Happy Halloween! This year’s costumes are Winnie the Pooh (featured at book club since I was not feeling well for the actual Halloween party I typically go to), and a version of the Mad Hatter for work today. I hope you are having a fun day!
Some things I enjoyed reading this week (and a bit of last week):
Abbott: Rainbows gotta go… Oak Lawn Methodist Church: …on our steps. “It’s important because silence is not neutral — silence in the face of harm always sides with the oppressor. At Oak Lawn UMC, we believe love belongs in public. Painting our steps in the colors of the rainbow is a visible witness to the gospel we preach: that every person is created in the image of God and worthy of safety, dignity, and belonging,” Love this.
Wearing my new boots and long sleeves today. It may be in the 80s still, but I am trying to bring in autumn through sheer force of will. Even if I have to keep the fan on in the office all day.
I love Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way, but I suck at morning pages. Nothing has made me want to quit writing altogether more than trying to churn out three pages of stream-of-consciousness every single day (yes, I’ve tweaked it and tried it all sorts of ways. It’s just not for me at this stage of my life. Maybe I’ll try again later when I don’t have to spend most of my mornings rushing to get to my job.). I do enjoy a writing exercise/prompt, though. I’m a bit late to Laini Taylor’s September 2024 challenge, but I’m trying them out over this month and next, and I’ll see how far I get. I tend to collect and use small journals as commonplace books, so I have all I need to get started. Maybe this will inspire me to finish my goal of writing 50,000 words this year.
“The wisdom of prayer is the genesis of all poetry, I think.” And “Time gets holier by the minute.” I love this gorgeous piece – When to call the witches by Joy Sullivan.
Matthew Bound’s chicken and dumplings. Y’all. I made these last week, and it really did take less than 30 minutes. I love my standard low-and-slow chicken and dumplings recipe, but this version is almost as good. I subbed water + an onion soup packet for the broth/stock, and I do not roll out my dumplings (I just pinch off bits of dough into some flour so they get lightly dusted and then fish them out and add them to the pot- if you do it this way, simmer for five-ish minutes more before you add the chicken to compensate for the chonkier dumplings this will make). I followed the recipe the same otherwise, right up to doing that same little dance he does in the video when I took my first bite. Also, I recently read his cookbook Keep It Simple, Y’all, and it is full of fantastic, easy recipes and would be a great gift for a new adult, or anyone who is new to cooking, or anyone who is in a rut, or anyone who likes quick meals…really, anyone.
Hello, and happy September! I read more in August than I read in June and July combined. I think this “I do what I want” approach is helping me get out of my mini-slump. So I’ll be continuing my list from last month and adding a few more.
Rise and Shine’s prompt for this month is “Reader’s Choice,” and I have a lot of great books I read last month to choose from.
Other Reading
These are mostly books I’ve checked out from the library. Some of them fulfill prompts from my reading challenges (and at least one of them will do quite nicely for 52 Book Club’s prompt “read in a “-ber” month), but most of them are just books I put on hold because someone said, “Hey, I bet you’d enjoy this.” I am happy to continue another month of reading for enjoyment. Here are more books I’ve added to the library pile:
The Book of Goose by Yiyun Li (52 Book Club – Lunar New Year Mini Challenge – I know, I’m a little behind, but in my defense, I didn’t know the mini-challenges existed until I scrolled down on StoryGraph and saw the prompts last month – “by an Asian author”)
If I’m going to stay at the same place, this is how I want it to improve.
If I wasn’t careful, this theme would lead me into a world of rabbit holes and contingency plans. I’m not opposed to either of those things, but I’m not sure I’m at a place to take on a whole year of them.
In other words, “if” isn’t quite ringing true for me. I want a word that captures the mystery of “if…” without the ellipses. Without boxing myself into its implied necessary action. I’m not opposed to taking action. I’m just wary of obligation.
So instead of “if” and all its intense expectations, I’m going to dive deep into wonder and all of its questions.
Merriam-Webster has several definitions of wonder that I love:
A cause of astonishment
The quality of exciting amazed admiration
Rapt attention or astonishment at something awesomely mysterious or new to one’s experience
To feel surprise
To feel curiosity or doubt
Marvel
Miracle
Yes, please. All of that. I want a year of being open to mystery. I want a life that leaves room for both curiosity and doubt. I want a year on which I can look back and marvel.
After all, I’m turning 50 this year. I want to be open to big things.
This is one of my favorite days of the year – the day that I make resolutions and set goals for the next 12 months. It seems contrary to the nature of wonder, however, to predetermine what is going to happen the whole year. So I’m going to jot down some wishes – things that might be fun or interesting – with just enough structure to be measurable in case they develop into actual goals but also enough room for interpretation to allow them to evolve or disintegrate as needed, depending on…*gestures broadly*
My wishes for 2025:
To read 180 books (per yesterday’s post).
To look for opportunities for wonder. I want to be charmed by the world. I want to recapture the delight in simple things and little kindnesses. I crave whimsy. And I don’t want it just for me – I want to share it.
To buy 50 books (one for each year I’ve been alive) in person from independent bookstores. Originally, this goal was to buy 5 books each at 10 different bookstores, but then I started listing bookstores I want to visit..and it’s more than 10. So still 50 total, but I’m going to spread the love a little more broadly.
To cook at least 50 meals. This past year was unusual, and there were whole months in which I did not cook at all. To be clear, that doesn’t mean I just ate takeout (although I did that more frequently than usual). A lot of the food I buy is premade and ready to assemble and eat as snacks or salads or sandwiches, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Fed is best. But I also miss cooking, and I feel better when I do so on a regular basis. I want to average at least one cooked meal a week (with a couple of weeks off during staff training or holidays).
To set and meet 50 small financial goals. I didn’t talk about the goal I set for my finances last year, because medical expenses are expensive and I didn’t have the confidence that I’d actually be able to make it. But I did. I saved a month’s salary in an emergency fund. And then I made the first payment on a medical bill (which is exactly what emergency funds are for, I guess). And I built my savings back up. And made another first payment on a different medical bill. And I have – for the third time – almost reached a month’s salary in savings again. This didn’t happen spontaneously, though. I did it by setting monthly financial goals for both my outgoing budget and my savings. This year, there are additional things I want to do that will help me (eventually) draft a retirement plan, so I’m going to work those goals in as well. I do not harbor delusions that I will be able to retire fully any time soon (if ever), but with a little preparation, I think I can see a lighter workload on the distant horizon.
To write 50,000 words. This may be one story, or it may be 100. I just want to get back into a regular writing practice.
To consistently meet daily goals on my Finch app. Most of my reminders to eat, or drink water, or do something creative (whether that be writing or knitting or music or whatever), or take a walk/stretch break, come through Finch. Neurospicy folk, gamify the daily activities everyone else thinks of as habits. This app has helped me so much.
To make a list of 50 fun things to do in the next 10 years. I already have a few ideas, but I am going to take the whole year to decide what makes the final cut. Something to look forward to!
This is a long and ambitious list, and I fully expect my intentions to wax and wane as the year throws whatever curve balls it’s got up its sleeve. After all, sometimes just surviving is the only accomplishment a person needs to achieve.
But these wishes give me hope and spark a little bit of the type of wonder that I desperately want this year.
[Prime reviewing/contemplating/reflecting space – a blanket and a cup of tea in front of twinkly lights]
How many times can I say this year has been a doozy without it becoming redundant? Welp, here’s one more time.
This year was a doozy.
I’ve tried reflecting and looking back for the past week, as is my custom. Most years – but particularly this year – I resonate with Kate Bowler’s feelings on reflection. I get stuck on certain things and forget so many others, even with the aid of my journal and planner (which in many ways is even more telling than my journal). The older I get, the more I realize that maybe the end of a year is too soon to reflect on it. I am usually still too close to it to ponder it with any real clarity.
But what I can do is look at the goals I set and see how I fared in measurable ways. So let’s dive in.
2024 Theme – Quiet
In many ways this year was very loud. But that especially drove home my need for carving out quiet time, and I had a small amount of success with that.
The intentional pursuit of quiet helped me to find space to heal both mentally and physically.
It also revealed how much work I still have to do in those areas. I didn’t always succeed at finding space, and my medical challenges this year made sure that it was really obvious when I didn’t. Getting quiet time is a lot of work, but it’s necessary and worth it.
Even when I’m “quiet,” I’m still anxious. It takes a lot of time I don’t always have to calm my brain enough to get the needed benefit from quiet moments.
Another challenge is that I don’t really have physical places to find quiet. My upstairs neighbors are loud and active, so even when I’m quiet, my environment still isn’t. And to go anywhere else is to inevitably have to socialize or be perceived or get distracted. Going forward, I need to find a way to really be at rest. I would prefer it to be an actual physical space, but earplugs have been a little helpful in the meantime.
I’m not quite done with quiet, nor do I think I’ll ever be. I have goals for the upcoming year that will help me continue to explore it.
Read 180 Books
I’m so close. I have read 175 so far. It’s possible to reach 180 by midnight tomorrow, but I don’t see myself forcing it just to meet my goal. I am enjoying looking at my Storygraph charts, and I may share one or two tomorrow when I talk about reading goals for 2025.
Even if I don’t finish any more books this year, aiming for this lofty goal still helped me read 20 more books than last year. I consider that a success!
Creative Education
All things creative pretty much tanked for me this year. I did have a few performances with beloved friends, and I have been able to be more active in choir this fall. But with the exception of a few brief inspired frenzies, my writing has been at a standstill.
I am not any further on The Artist’s Way than I was last year at this time, and I haven’t really cared about creative education at all. Looking back, I can admit this goal was a little unreasonable.
What has changed is that I would have felt really dejected about this pause in the past. But I don’t feel that way today. I am satisfied with how I’ve spent my time this year, even if that meant I didn’t heavily pursue a lot of the things I love. My attention was simply needed elsewhere, and I honored that. I am proud of myself for doing so.
Health Goals
I’m alive! I did it!
I survived cancer and cancer treatments, both of which tried to take me out.
As part of that survival, I also built some stronger, healthier skills that I hope to take into the new year. Also, I’ve learned to call them skills instead of habits, because apparently habit isn’t a thing my brain does. This was one of the helpful revelations that came out of therapy this year. For me, there’s no doing things without thinking about it. Even if I do something every day for a year, the moment I don’t remind myself (that is, actually set reminders or leave lists in a place I know I’ll see them), I drop it like I’ve never even heard about it. Everything has to be a conscious choice every time.
Which sounds exhausting (and it can be). But it’s also liberating. It frees me from trying to make progress the way other people do. Instead, I can focus on my goals in a way that actually works for me.
And it’s working beautifully so far.
So that’s the year. That’s 2024. Overall, I’m pretty satisfied with it.
I hope you are satisfied with your year, too. Feel free to brag on yourself a little in the comments.
I have a bone to pick with Substack (and other platforms that constantly harass you to pay for subscriptions to individual blogs). Or maybe my beef is with some of its users? My Substack doesn’t have a paywall (which is a good thing, since I haven’t posted since August), so I am not sure if they (the writers) can choose how paid posts go out. But my minor annoyance today is receiving an email from a person whose free content I subscribe to, only to get a few paragraphs into it and get the prompt “Like what you’re reading? Upgrade to a paid subscription to read the rest!”
No, thank you.
First of all, I realize maintaining a blog is a lot of work, and it is disheartening to work for free. I have been blogging since 2002-ish, and for about 8 years, I wrote blogs for companies as part of my copywriting job, so I totally understand wanting to get paid for it. And companies should absolutely pay their bloggers, because their writing enriches the company’s online presence and is thus instrumental in selling a lot of the products or services the company offers.
But unless the blogger is offering truly unique content that reads more like a chapter of a book I would buy than a blog post (which several of the bloggers I follow are, and I am happy to pay for as many of those subscriptions as my budget will allow), their blog is most likely just marketing. Artful marketing, to be sure, but marketing nonetheless. It is a useful tool to build an audience (or, brand, if you must call it that). But that’s still marketing, not final content to be purchased. Readers shouldn’t have to pay for companies or organizations (or – dare I say it – even authors) to advertise to them.
It also feels like not wanting to do the work of writing, editing, proofreading, and publishing a whole book but wanting to get paid for doing so anyway. After all, $6 a month = $72 a year. That’s two or three books I could have bought instead. And again, I get it. Just because you haven’t gone through all those specific steps, that doesn’t mean your content isn’t valuable. But regardless of what capitalism would have us believe, valuable doesn’t automatically equal a paycheck. Sometimes what’s most valuable is the ability to show readers the kind of literary citizen you are committed to being.
There is something to be said about generosity. A free blog is a generous thing to do. And even if it is money you’re after, let it be noted that I am more likely to buy the books of authors who are generous with their fans/audience than those who nickel-and-dime us at every opportunity.
Yes, there are blogs I pay for, because they offer high-quality content that either informs my own writing, helps me keep up with current events, or provides access to services I enjoy. Also – related rant – I am 100% on board with food bloggers putting their recipes behind a paywall for those who click “skip to recipe.” I’ve never gotten so many “tl;dr” or “just give us the good stuff and stop yapping” comments as I do when I post about food. They’re the reason new commenters to this blog have to be approved before I’ll allow the comment to post. No matter how you spin it or justify it, this attitude is just rude. You want Aunt Gale’s secret ingredient that she added to her hummingbird cake? That’ll be $5. Unless, of course, you want to act like you remember there’s a person behind that post and thus take a few minutes of your time to listen to the story of Aunt Gale first. If you can answer some key questions about the content, then thank you so much for your kind attention, internet stranger/friend who understands how reciprocal human communication works. Here is the recipe without charge, and I hope you enjoy the cake. But if all you want from me is a transactional exchange, then a transactional exchange you will get. If you come into my space acting like a demanding customer, please be advised that the small amount of time I am willing to set aside for putting up with that is expensive.
All this is to say…I get why some people charge for their content. I truly do. There are many spaces and situations where this is absolutely appropriate. But if I’m subscribed for free, I don’t want the upsell. I’ve already made my choice. Find a way to put mechanisms in place so that I don’t get all these emails junking up my inbox, teasing content that I can’t actually access without shelling out the dough.
It’s rainy and cool outside, and I’m enjoying a nice cup of tea. Hello, November. It’s wonderful to see you.
Here are some things I read that I found enjoyable. Hope you do, too.
A few tips on how not to freak out about the US election – tl;dr – focus on the present moment or next doable step, be the change you want to see, get involved at the local level, etc.
A refreshing take on rejection. My favorite quote – “Blurting out madness is still 100% my jam and it always will be.”
Are we too impatient to be intelligent? An offensive (to someone who loves efficiency as much as I do) and compelling argument for why faster isn’t often actually better.
A fantastic piece from Elif Shafak on being a writer in the age of angst. There are so many great takeaways, but let me leave you with this one – “Literature brings the periphery to the centre and rehumanizes those who have been dehumanized. This is why, storytellers are memory-keepers.”
“…because she didn’t know if it was better to be correct or fun, and why did it feel like she always had to choose between the two?” Alison Espach, The Wedding People
Almost halfway through the month, and this is the quote that is resonating with me most this morning. I feel this way in several areas of my life.
It comes through in my art. There is a tension between my training and my enjoyment. I outline and then write a rough draft and then edit…except that is more focus and work than I can commit to right now. So I keep writing but in ways that are more fun. I blog, I write bad poetry (and let it stay bad…for now), and I experiment with stream-of-consciousness journaling. I am a classically trained pianist, but I have found so much freedom in just sitting at the keyboard and playing around with whatever sounds, chords, and melodies come forth. I stick to just enough of my dance basics to be safe (turns out, the basics of dance are mostly about avoiding injury) when I fling myself about in a haphazard way in my living room. I love the foundation that my training has given me but I also love breaking out of it when I need to.
It comes through at my job. I don’t think I’m a good manager. I want the job to be fun for my team, but I spend so much of my day harping on corrections – mostly about basic stuff they should already know – that I feel more like a nag. A nice nag, but a nag nonetheless. I also find it exhausting and dehumanizing to be held responsible for the actions (or lack thereof) of other people with precarious levels of give-a-damn. I know it’s not a unique problem – this is just management in a nutshell – but it’s still gross. I’m still waiting for the big bucks that are supposed to make it worthwhile to hit the bank account. I need to learn how to be inspiring, but I just don’t know that I’m that person.
It’s coming through in my life in general right now. Life isn’t super fun these days. Or, it can be, but there is a high price for anything that lasts longer than an hour or uses a lot of energy. The “correct” thing is to rest and not overdo it, but it takes so little to overdo it that I’m not sure that’s even a reasonable expectation. Overdoing it and the ridiculously over-the-top physical consequences of doing so seem inevitable. This would be a great time to be independently wealthy so that I could spend my precious energy only on fun things.
One of the ways I’m slowing my roll this month is not being super picky about writing a post every single day. It will happen most days – just not every day. It’s especially nice to take a break on the weekends.
Where do you get caught up in the struggle between being correct and being fun? Or do you? Is it just me?
Welcome to August! The staff have been in training this week, and today was their big breakfast, so I went in early to cover the office so they all could go. I am glad I went in this morning, but after treatment, I was even happier to go home, have a leisurely lunch, run some errands, and check in with my stylist to tame these cute little tufts that are forming all over my head.
I’m at the point in my treatment where the end is in sight. So even though I still feel fatigued and itchy and constantly on the verge of infection (I’m assured I’m fine – it’s just part of the fatigue – but I’m taking a ridiculous amount of vitamins and treating it like a precursor to a cold anyway), I’m starting to notice again how much I’m missing out on by just not having the energy to do more than the bare minimum.
I don’t subscribe to a lot of paid Substack accounts, but Roxane Gay’s posts are well worth the small fee I pay each month for it. I get access to her book club discussions, and essays on things like learning to write again from a seasoned writer and educator. I feel like I’m learning to write again as well. I’ve been journaling, but it’s not the same as losing myself in fiction or poetry, and I’m pretty rusty. It’s been a bit of a slog, and I’m grateful to hear that this, too, is common and overcomeable (a word? I don’t think that’s a word. Welp, it is now).
Here are some other things I’ve enjoyed reading this week:.
It is so hard to find a therapist. I feel this post in my soul. Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barnes is one of my main go-to sources for practical advice when it comes to self-care and rest. She echoes a lot of my own struggles in this piece.
I love Joy the Baker’s team and their Let It Be Sunday posts, and this past Sunday’s edition was especially good. I particularly enjoyed the pieces on how to cope with the social exhaustion of work (and I have needed these tips this week with all the training) and tips on travel (which is something else I may be interested in as I come out of my treatment fog. Maybe. We’ll see. Got some ideas for my birthday next March.).
Mountain Ash Press is having a submissions contest. I don’t project having a manuscript that’s ready to submit by August 31 myself, but if you do, check it out and see if it’s a good fit!
I love the post from Modern Mrs. Darcy about one of my favorite mystery series. If I were to name a place in literature I’d like to visit, Three Pines would be at the top of my list. If you haven’t read any Inspector Gamache, here’s a good Louise Penny Starter Kit for you.
I hope that your week has been OK and that you have a good and restful weekend. Take care, friends!
This was a momentous week. This was the first week of the whole year that I had zero doctor’s appointments. Also no labs, no tests, no treatments, no “here is what this next thing is going to cost you” meetings. Nothing. It’s been nice. I could get used to this. I mean, I won’t, because soon I start radiation and will have a treatment every day. But it’s been good to have a break.
Inspiration has come from a lot of places this week. Enjoy!
I love this commencement speech that Reshma Saujani gave at Smith last year. Down with imposter syndrome!
This is terrifying and inspiring and bring it on (the menopause, to be clear. Some of the rest of it can just skip me right over, thanks.).
I love this piece by Shawn Smucker. We are dancing animals! So we go to independent bookstores like Nooks to commune with other dancing animals.
One of my favorite things that show up in my inbox is Susannah Conway’s newsletter. I started following for pics of her cat and the occasional backyard fox, but she also shares a lot of wisdom and a glimpse into the kind of life I’d like to lead someday. She has several online courses, one of which starts on Monday. Journal Your Life sounds perfect for establishing a journal practice if you don’t know where to start or if you just need a few pointers to make it joyful enough to stick even on don’t-wanna days.
Finally, this week I read You Can Talk to God LikeThat by Abby Norman, and it was exactly what I needed to hear right now. I met Abby online many years ago, and she’s been one of my favorite people for spiritual encouragement and wisdom ever since. I’m probably going to talk more about this book in its own post once I process my feelings a little more, but if you were raised to always praise and always be thankful and maybe stuff your anger/hurt/disappointment down under a blanket of false positivity, Abby is here to tell you that’s bullshit, and I heartily second that emotion.
M. Suzanne Terry 