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Day 4 – Decluttering Games

October 5, 2026 by Suzanne

A common characteristic of neurodivergent brains is that we switch attention easily and often. Some call it a short attention span. Some call it easily bored. Some call it multitasking (or if you’re me, rapid-succession unitasking).

Whatever you call this phenomenon, it can make menial tasks a challenge to complete (there is another beast called executive dysfunction that makes things hard to even start, but we’ll save that for another day). Most days, I don’t have a problem getting started on a cleaning project, but my follow-through often gets sidetracked by another task.

One thing I have found helpful in addressing this issue is to gamify decluttering/cleaning. I actually use this with most of the routine things that need to be habits (such as drinking water, remembering to eat, getting exercise, etc.), but it works especially well when it comes to housework, or anything that has clear start and finish points. When I turn decluttering into a game, it gives my attention span the challenge it needs to stay interested long enough to complete the given task.

Here are a few of my favorite games for keeping house.

Finch App

I loooove the Finch app. You have a character (specifically, a birb – mine’s name is Bandit). You can decorate its home and dress it up. You can send it on adventures. You earn the items you need to do all these things by completing goals, which you can customize. For example, some of my goals are:

  • Clean or tidy for ten minutes (x6 per day)
  • Drink 16 oz. of water (x5 per day)
  • Exercise for 3 minutes (x10 per day)

There are several more, and I change them based on the goals I am focusing on at the time.

In addition to getting to send Bandit on adventures and buy her cute clothes, I also use Finch to track my longer-term progress. For example, I track the number of days each month that I complete my 6 units of cleaning. If my history shows I cleaned for 15 or more days in a given month, I give myself a little pat on the back and possibly a small treat. Like, maybe I get a sausage biscuit instead of making breakfast one Saturday. Sometimes, though, just seeing progress is reward enough.

Decluttering Surges 

My brain likes brief bouts of intensity, and this game scratches that itch.  For a set period of time (a day, a week, but not more than a month, or I get bored and distracted), I perform a specific task once per a subset of that time. Sometimes there’s a preset task, sometimes there’s a preset time limit. The constraints are what make the game.

For example, on Saturdays when I am at home all day and have a lot of cleaning to do, I challenge myself to get up and tidy or clean at the end of each hour. For example, when the clock reads 1:50, I put down my book or put aside my writing or press pause on the show I’m watching, and see how much I can get done before the clock turns to 2:00. It’s a race against myself. It not only results in my home being a lot cleaner at the end of the day but also reminds me to get up and move occasionally.

Another example is the challenge I did when I noticed piles were getting out of control. For one month, I tasked myself with getting rid of one bag or box of stuff (or one item, if it was too big to fit in a bag or box) per day. It was simple but effective.

Spot Cleaning 

Sometimes stuff accumulates. Or it looks dusty. Or something is wrong that will just take a few minutes to put right. Sometimes my decluttering surges focus on one small area.

Take the shelf pictured above. It is designated as a space for mementos and knick knacks, but a couple of weeks ago, I noticed that it had also become a dumping ground for items that I was using in the area and just didn’t put away. A hammer and some nails, a hold sticker from the library, a coffee mug, etc.

So I set a 5-minute timer on my phone and got to work:

  • I removed everything from the shelf.
  • I dusted the shelf and each item that belongs there as I put them back.
  • I took the other items and put them up where they belong.
  • With the time I had left, I also dusted the shelf above it that holds the TV and moved the Christmas mouse figurine that was lingering next to it to my Christmas storage box (better late than never, I guess).

So in five minutes, I accomplished twice as much as I intended to. I won!

Spot cleaning is especially useful for those areas of my home that overwhelm me. I spot-clean my office a lot. It’s a small space that, unlike the rest of the apartment, I don’t use every day. It’s easy for it to become a dumping ground, and it doesn’t take long for it to look like it belongs on an episode of Hoarders. Such a sight makes me want to shut the door and run away. But I just got released to work from home three days a week, so it has to be functional. In the past month, I’ve made it my mission to spot-clean at least one shelf, one surface, or one square foot of floor per day, and the difference that has made in just a few short weeks is astounding.

It may seem silly to have to turn common chores into games just to get them done. But all I hear from that sentence is that they’re getting done, and any method that makes that happen consistently will always be welcome in my home.

I’m writing about keeping house for 31 days. Click here to see the topic list!

Posted in 31 Days, Cozy, Fun, Getting It Together, Mental Health, Resolutions | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment »

Day 3 – October 2026 TBR

October 3, 2026 by Suzanne

At any given moment, my book collection is either the most organized part of my home or the most out of control. There are just so, so many of them. I love being surrounded by books, but if I’m not careful, I’m tripping over them just as often as I’m reading them.

All my bookshelves have a specific purpose. For example, most of my nonfiction belongs on the large metal bookshelf in the office. Library books and other borrowed books share a shelf with music collection in my bedroom so that they don’t get mixed in with the books I own. Fiction, memoir, cookbooks, short stories, and poetry – all my beloved genres have a specific place they belong.

The challenge is getting the books to where they belong, especially when they’re new. While I’m really going for a home library that is full of anticipated books, some of which I recognize I may never read, the decision to keep a book is not automatic. I have monthly subscriptions at a couple of independent bookstores (specifically, Deep Vellum in Dallas and Fantastic Strangelings through Nowhere in San Antonio), and I frequent library book sales and yard sales where I 100% judge books by their covers, so it’s anyone’s guess as to what I will actually bring home. I always seem to be obtaining books, and not all of them are ultimately meant to remain in my personal collection.

Of course, this means that they’re already in my home before I vet them and decide they need a permanent place there. The shelf by my reading chair in the living room is devoted to this purpose. It houses new-to-me books that I’m not sure I’m keeping yet. It also keeps the books that I’m planning to read next stacked in a neat little pile for my convenience.

This month’s TBR is loosely inspired by that shelf.

Aside from my book club reads, many of the books listed below are hanging out on this shelf – in limbo, awaiting a decision on their final destination. Hopefully, my reading this month can make a dent in deciding which ones to keep and which ones to pass on to someone else.

[Disclaimer – I am a Bookshop.org affiliate – I get a cut of the sales from most of the links below.]

Book Clubs

Cozy(ish) October Vibes

Cozy horror is an odd category. I’m drawn to it. In fact, it may be quickly becoming one of my favorite genres. 

Most genre-ists define it with elements of gentle supernatural components, low stakes, lovable/misunderstood monsters/creatures, and maybe a quirky, small-town environment with a smattering of snarky talking animals. It is likely to heavily feature a coffee shop, bakery, or niche store that caters to a granny hobby.

I do love books that fall into that definition of cozy horror, and my definition certainly includes them, but it is also broader than that.

I define the genre as horror…but make it funny. Many of the descriptions of the books I place in this category contain phrases like “darkly humorous” or “charmingly gruesome.” The ending may not be happy in the traditional, sunshine-y sense, but it will probably be satisfying, and that’s just as good.

October’s an especially great month for cozy horror. Or dragons. Or both.

Reading Challenges

I’m not actively working toward my reading challenges that I have left, I’m finding at least one prompt that fits almost every book I finish. So I have another one that lacks one more prompt and a few more that I anticipate chipping away at this month.

  • Kingdom of Ash by Sarah J. Maas – Not only to finish this series and put it behind me but also to finish up the Overeducated Women With Cats challenge with the prompt “set in a fully invented world.”
  • “A book about books” is the October prompt for Read Your Bookshelf. I have so many; it shouldn’t be hard to find one. Possibly even on that shelf of to-be-curated books.
  • The Hacienda by Isabel Cañas – Originally planned for January/February, this satisfies the prompts “a diacritical mark on the cover” and “gothic fiction written in the last 10 years.” Gothic fiction often intersects with cozy horror, so it’s at least theme adjacent.

Where do your books live in your home?

I’m writing about keeping house for 31 days. Click here to see the topic list!

Posted in 31 Days, Books, Bookshops, Cozy, Resolutions | 1 Comment »

Friday Five – Microtasks

October 2, 2026 by Suzanne

Day 2 of Keeping House is a list of small things that can make my house look like I cleaned a lot.

The main reason that cleaning and tidying get away from me at home is time. There never seems to be enough of it for everything I want to do. On busy days, I just want to come home and stare at the wall. I don’t have the bandwidth for anything else once I’m finally finished for the day. But even at the end of less busy days, I want to spend the energy I have left doing creative things or reading or maybe seeing a friend I haven’t seen in a while.

Housework is often at the bottom of the priority list. After all, I’m usually the only person it affects, and most days, I just don’t care about it nearly as much as my raising would indicate I should. It’s the easiest thing on the to-do list to brush off. After just a little while, though, that brushing off really adds up, and I suddenly and desperately want a quick fix that significantly improves the overall state of my home.

Enter the microtask.

These are things I can do with a short amount of time (10 minutes or less) without using every single scrap of my leftover energy that still make a noticeable difference:

  • Laundry – start a load, move it to the dryer, or even put it away. Any of these smaller tasks can be accomplished in less than 5 minutes (well, maybe a little more on the third step if there’s a lot to be folded, but it’s still relatively quick).
  • Clear off a flat surface. Even big surfaces don’t ever take as long to clear as I think they will. For example, my dining table gets cluttered fast, and I put off clearing it because I think it will take too long (and thus psych myself out). When I actually clear it, though, I’m always surprised by how quickly I can do it.
  • Do a cup sweep. Are there coffee/tea cups lingering throughout the apartment? (Answer: Yes. Perpetually) Move them to the kitchen.
  • Speaking of the kitchen, wash all the dishes in the sink and put them away. What if there aren’t any dishes in the sink, you ask? Then it is truly a miracle day, and the microtask becomes a hearty pat on the back for a job already well done. Thanks, Past Suzanne!
  • Take out the recycling or trash. Somehow, there is always at least one box or bag that needs to go out, or several small bits that I can consolidate into one. 

Completing these microtasks isn’t going to fool anyone into thinking I have my domestic life together. But it does serve two important purposes – they get something done, and they remind me of how easy it is to get something done. 

And that, too, can really add up.

I’m writing about keeping house for the next 31 days. Click here to see the list.

Posted in 31 Days, Cozy, Friday Five, Home, Resolutions | 1 Comment »

31 Days of Keeping House

October 1, 2026 by Suzanne

When I chose cozy for my theme this year, my home was one of the main focal points of that goal. What I quickly discovered is that the cozy elements were already there – the comfy linens, the coffee and tea nook, the fairy lights, a little reading nest in every major room, etc. Unfortunately, they were often hidden behind clutter or overshadowed by household chores waiting to be done.

Before I could have a home that I (or the occasional someone else) could experience as cozy, the issues blocking all my carefully curated comfort zones had to be addressed. I’ve spent a lot of time doing that this year.

This month, I’m talking about keeping house. Not the pristine clean of my childhood, where you could eat off the kitchen floor with no adverse consequences (other than my mother yelling at you not to mess up her clean floor). But a reasonable level of clean. What most people would consider clean. The tidy kind of clean that instantly calms me when I walk through the door.

To be clear, I am not naturally good at this. I’m prone to stacks and piles and items left wherever they landed when I got distracted by another task. I have books and journals not only piled precariously high on the table by my reading chair but also stacked on the arms of the chair itself. I often have dirty coffee and tea mugs scattered everywhere. I have a chair in my bedroom that I usually cannot sit in because it’s full of discarded clothing. I organize files for an hour only to realize that, instead of organizing, what I have actually done is create 4,321 more piles of paper.

Even so, I deserve to have a home that feels cozy and peaceful. Even if keeping house doesn’t come naturally to me, I can still maintain such a home with a few handy tricks and routines.

This is not a do-this-for-a-month series. This is a talk-about-and-plan-it-for-a-month series. This is too daunting a project for me or anyone who identifies with my struggles to be successful in just 31 days. Also, we can’t just do it for a month and call it quits. Unfortunately, no kind of cleaning, tidying, or decluttering is a one-and-done deal. It’s a lifestyle. Apparently. This is an offensive fact about adulthood and physics, and I stay mad about it.

I am writing this series because focusing on cozy this year has worked. I have become a little better at cleaning and tidying this year, and I want to celebrate that a little bit. 

I also want to share the things I’ve learned in case it does not come naturally for you either. There are the things I’ve done throughout the year to reduce the overall clutter in my home and make it a cozier place to live. For the things that seem to have become routines, I will include how often I have to do them to maintain what I originally accomplished. 

While I myself am far from being an expert, there are those whose wisdom on the subject I consume voraciously, and I have several favorites. I find their books, websites, and other resources delightful. It turns out, I absolutely love reading about cleaning and tidying. People who really nerd out about it both fascinate and charm me. I will drop links in posts where their signature advice is mentioned.

Taking care of a home is often seen as fundamental to being a functioning adult. On this particular critierion…I’m alright (most days). I suspect that a lot of people can relate to that. That’s my main target audience for this series. Let’s learn together! 

I also would love for people who are good at keeping a clean, decluttered home pretty consistently to read and chime in. Teach us your ways!

You can subscribe to follow along day by day, or just come back occasionally to this post, which I will update as a table of contents as each day goes live. As with any general, prescriptive advice – take what you need and leave the rest.

[And yes, all the pictures in the series are of my actual home.]

A little sneak peek of the first week:

Posted in 31 Days, Cozy, Getting It Together, Home, Mental Health, Resolutions, Roots | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments »

Friday Five – Forcing Fall

September 25, 2026 by Suzanne

Alright. It’s time for fall. I’m tired of waiting. And by that, I do mean that I am wearing my boots and making soup and sipping hot apple juice (specifcally, Simply Apple or Sprouts brand) out of a tea mug in the evenings (my childhood’s answer to the predicament that we don’t have real cider here) and not waiting for it at all. Once again, I am bringing in autumn by sheer force of will. You’re welcome.

I have a fun (I hope) series coming up in October about keeping house. I hope that you will enjoy reading it as much as I’m enjoying writing it. I may not have enough content to last the whole month, but a daily post throughout October is currently the goal. 

I’ve also started my final curriculum for the year. I am ready to recognize that planning four curricula in one year was a bit unhinged. “Cozy” has been good. “Write a song and upload something to Bandcamp” was good (and a portion of it took a delightful turn that I didn’t predict, i.e., the upload being a wonderful group project). “Learn to play organ” was…ambitious and not at all feasible in the short timeline I gave it (what do you mean, my piano skills don’t completely translate?! Rude but ok). I’m still working on it, but I am appropriately humbled. 

As productive as these curricula have helped me to be, though…I’m so tired. I feel like each project is its own part-time job. And they’ve overlapped a lot, which makes it feel like even more work. So I’m trying to be more reasonable (which I despise) and gentler with myself (which I begrudgingly admit would be a good thing that makes being reasonable acceptable). 

Anyway…the fourth curriculum started later than planned and is going to extend into next year. My basic objective is to get my writing life back on track. I want to finish two projects – the aforementioned blog series in October and a second draft of my Fishbowl manuscript. But I also want to have a writing life that feels good and productive and creative and nourishing to me. One that is actually reasonable (ugh) for my current life and not just my imaginary life where I have no other responsibilities…like a job.

[Frankly, any one of the four curricula would have been more than enough progression for one year. But I’m already excited about the writing curriculum, and I’m not giving up on the organ (just relaxing about it), so we press on, and they will both just take as long as they take, and I’m also going to work on being okay with that.]

So that’s how life has been going. 

Here are some good reads from the last couple of weeks:

  • I enjoyed this reminder. “Seasonal living, to me, is about getting curious about those cues again and finding out what might happen when we let our food, light exposure, daily rhythms, and even our approach to rest change a little with the world around us.” Reading this sentence (and the whole piece) was like taking a long, deep breath.
  • I love Andi’s piece about learning to take up the space and time she needs, even outside the margins of her writing life. Great advice for all of us, especially those whose brains work differently than this world expects them to.
  • I adore Kate Bowler so much. I need this shirt.
  • I agree – The quiet life is the most underrated path to success! 
  • You are officially on notice – This is not only a Mamdani fan account but also an Abdul El-Sayed fan account. I just really appreciate people who listen and get shit done, and I would love to see what El-Sayed could do for our country.

I hope you have a great weekend, friends!

Posted in Alive, Andilit, Cozy, Friday Five, Getting It Together, Quiet, Resolutions, Seasons | Tagged , , | Leave a Comment »

Friday Five – Happy Sad Cool

September 4, 2026 by Suzanne

Happy September! It’s totally in the 90s today. Temperature, not time. Although my 90s self fit right in with the way students dress these days. I expect to hear the faint sounds of Pearl Jam from their headphones when I walk by some of them. I approve.

Anyway, my skin doesn’t immediately feel like it will melt right off when I walk outside. Numerically, it’s a small difference, but it makes a big difference in my soul.

This week has been a roller coaster of emotion and happenings. A few notable notes for your Friday:

  • I’m very excited to announce the release of bio data fields, the first (hopefully of many) album from our collaboration Star Kiss Zen. Happy Bandcamp Friday!
  • I really love this piece on motherhood (and daughterhood) by Erin Williams – a critical analysis of the mother and the monster.
  • Another week of losses (I’m concerned that these posts are becoming the “Who Died This Week” chronicles. Do not like.). Gloria Steinem. What an impact she had on the world. So many of the freedoms we take for granted today are, at least in part, a result of her advocacy and influence. I shall celebrate her life by using my credit card that is solely in my name, and driving my car that is solely in my name, and living in my apartment with a lease that I wasn’t legally required to have cosigned by a man. In other words, I celebrate her life every day.
  • Wendell Berry also died this week. I really love his poetry and his essays on conservation and sense of place. I learned a lot about him from this article as well. Many people know “The Peace of Wild Things”, but some of my favorite pieces of his are the ones where he captured a snapshot of life, such as “They Sit Together on the Porch.”
  • To end on a lighter (but still serious, as I am very serious about such things) note, the Modern Mrs. Darcy team shares their favorite back-to-school supplies.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend!

Posted in Friday Five, Lament, Music, Nostalgia, Seasons, What I'm Into | Leave a Comment »

September 2026 TBR

September 3, 2026 by Suzanne

I know it’s still hot outside, but September is always when something noticeably changes in the air (even if it’s not the temperature). School is already underway, and students are settling into their schedules. We are starting to make hopeful plans that may involve the outdoors as soon as the weather gets itself together. This is the beginning of peak cozy season. 

This is also the season when the reading plans I made at the start of the year begin to derail a little/even more than they have already. 

At this point, I have usually finished at least one reading challenge already, and I’m feeling smug about that. So the rest of them? Good luck to them. I will still try (ish) and probably finish at least one or two more, especially if I experience a hyperfocus period or two, but I stop making real promises to any of them in the fall. This month, I’ll probably read books planned for some of the prompts listed on previous TBRs. And the books I have listed below are likely to fit into at least one unfinished prompt, so that counts. But the intense drive I had months ago to pick the very best books that will fit each of the prompts? That’s pretty much gone at this point.

For fall, I tend to focus on themes.

In addition to my cozy and book club selections, this month’s theme is mystery. I’ve got a few series I’m working through or re-reading, so I’ll probably continue those, and I’ve listed a couple extra down below. 

[Disclaimer – I am a Bookshop.org affiliate – I get a cut of the sales from most of the links below.]

Book Clubs

Cozy/Library Returns

Part of my cozy curriculum this month is reducing the number of books I have checked out of the library. I will not tell you how many I have checked out. Suffice it to say that you would not be wrong to judge me for it, so go ahead. By the end of the month, I want to return at least half of them, which will result in a respectable number of checkouts

Mystery Month

I’m planning to read the next book in the Three Pines, Thursday Murder Club, and some other series on my list. I’m also looking at tackling these in the upcoming weeks:

This plan may seem ambitious, but there’s method to the madness. I did the math on my overall reading goal (i.e., 200 books total) for this year last night. To meet the goal by December 31, I need to finish a book a day, minus 26 days. 

So…23-24 a month?

That’s fine. Everything’s fine. Totally doable. 

I mean, if I don’t meet it, I don’t meet it. That is, in fact, fine. I also get more relaxed (some might call it “reasonable,” but that feels like negative energy to me) about my overall goal as the year progresses.

What are you reading these days?

Posted in Books, Reading Challenges, Resolutions, Seasons | Tagged , , , | Leave a Comment »

Friday Five – Collective Mourning

August 28, 2026 by Suzanne

It’s been a sad week overall. Beloved icons have died. The death toll keeps rising due to flooding in Nepal, Tibet, and China. The summer blues have been particularly brutal this month, but I am proud of myself for doing a few things other than just working and for finding a little joy along the way.

  • One sweet thing that happened this week is the Simplified Fall Launch. Simplified has the perfect planner for next year, and I snagged one. It’s bookbound, saving me the frustration of dealing with spiral nonsense. It’s organized by calendar year, not academic year, which is how I organize my goals and thus my life. AND! It’s BERRY STRIPE, which is my all-time favorite Simplified pattern! I’m so happy about this.
  • Connor Storrie (Ilya on Heated Rivalry, for those not yet invested) now has a buzz cut instead of everyone’s beloved curls, and a large part of the fandom is in mourning. I have spent way too much time reading commentary on this man’s hair, and while I sincerely hope he is blatantly ignoring this chaos and just living his life and keeping his peace, I really needed the levity of caring about a celebrity’s locks this week. It reminded me of the HairYay!/HairNay! debates on the Michael Rosenbaum Message Board in the early days of Smallville fandom (MR played Lex Luthor, but I forgive you for not knowing that). In absolutely unsurprising news to any friends lingering from my earlier fandom days, I tend to fall on the same side of the debate as Out’s Ariel Messman-Rucker – Connor is a thoroughly attractive young man even with (dare I say – especially with) the shorn look. *cough*HairNay!forlife*cough*
  • I appreciate these notes on slowing down. I need this reminder sometimes, but it is hard to find things that make much of a difference that make sense for me. So much of the advice on slow living involves some sort of complete overhaul of how you live, and that’s not practical right now. I mean, someday I’m probably gonna make my own jam on the regular (it is on my goal list for my 50s, after all), but that day is not today (yes, I know it’s easy and delicious, but you know what’s easier and just as tasty? Buying already-made jam at the farmer’s market where I’m also buying other things and supporting local farms in the process). I like how this piece sticks to things like, “Maybe don’t schedule something social every single night of the week after you’ve already been social all day, every day” (I’m paraphrasing). Noted.
  • Very sad about Tim Curry’s death. I appreciate this compilation of tributes to him and his astounding body of work. What an iconic creative genius. 
  • And our Dolly Parton has passed. Jesus and I are in a bit of a fight about it. I know I’m curating my social media right, because all week, my feed has been flooded with memories and memorials of her kindness, grace, love, and her unwavering, fierce acceptance and protection of all. She is mourned by family, friends, co-conspirators, fellow musicians, fans, patriots, the American Library Association, and anyone who has ever needed to see a little hope in the world. Donate books and support/protect the vulnerable (with more than prayer – cash and tangible assistance – faith without works is dead, if you need a little help from James 2:26 to summon the strength, fellow believers). Maybe listen to her voice, bake yourself a little treat, and put it over ice cream this weekend. May we all live our lives even half as well as Dolly did.

I hope you have a restful weekend!

Posted in Fandom, Food, Friday Five, Mental Health, Nostalgia, Seasons | Tagged , , , | Leave a Comment »

Friday Five – First Week of Classes!

August 21, 2026 by Suzanne

The last few weeks have been hella busy. I need some serious downtime. I’m looking forward to a bookish weekend (and hopefully getting my wi-fi in my apartment fixed soon – it’s a whole saga). 

Notable things from the intrawebs in the past few weeks:

  • If you are looking for some reading that feels like summer, Modern Mrs. Darcy has suggestions! 
  • This is one of the best explanations of queerness I’ve ever read – from Dr. Devon Price.
  • In her online community and her book Burn the Haystack, Dr. Jennie Young helps readers identify rhetorical patterns in online dating profiles that are red flags or indicative of future problems. She recently got the question: “What if the red flags are already in your house?” I love her thoughtful answer.
  • I’ve been on a specific culinary kick lately – bean dishes you can eat with a spoon or scoop with a piece of crusty bread (my preference). One of my favorites is broccoli/cheddar beans. It’s like the soup but chunkier. Easy? Check. Fast? Check. Healthier than most of the take-out I get? Check.
  • And finally – Archer & Olive’s fall collection is out. I need another journal like I need a second nose, but look how pretty. I especially like the Reading Season ones.

I hope you have a great weekend, friends!

Posted in Books, Cozy, Food, Friday Five, Work | Leave a Comment »

Southern Gentleman – Trope vs. Reality

August 9, 2026 by Suzanne

[Disclaimer: This post applies to a small subset of straight(ish) relationships. I recognize that it may not be applicable to most readers. It’s barely applicable to me, but it’s adjacent enough that I have strong opinions about it. Anyway, feel free to grab some popcorn or a cup of tea and enjoy the show.]

This video has been living rent-free in my head for a few days.

Go ahead and watch it. I’ll wait.

See what he did? How he acted? It’s got my whole dander up and my inner storm cloud rolling.

I was going to leave a comment on the post itself, but they’re having fun. I get it. People like daddies. They like to role play. They may even like to work out their daddy issues during said role play. I’m not going to kink shame.

And I love a southern gentleman. Someone who says, “Yes, ma’am.” Holds the door open or stands aside while I walk in first. Carries my stuff (extra points for this one, actually. I can trip over a speck of dust, so this is particularly helpful). Offers an elbow when we’re walking up stairs. I’m here for all these things.

But if you are a straight man who a) considers yourself a gentleman (southern or otherwise), and b) frequently laments that women no longer seem to be interested in that sort of thing – guys like this are the reason why. They remember they’re southern (and have all kinds of wild ideas about what that entails) but forget the gentleman part that is supposed to go along with it.

The man in this video may be southern, but he is not a gentleman. He seems to still want to go through the motions and be seen as one, though. He wants the credit without doing any of the work.

A true southern gentleman talks the talk and walks the walk.

He failed at both of these things.

First, a true southern gentleman would never, ever speak to a woman that way, like she is his ill-behaved child instead of a grown person and partner. The core motivation of true gentlemanly behavior is respect, not control. There was nothing respectful about his little speech. If a man I was dating talked to me like that, we would indeed be having a conversation about it, or I would be very pointedly opening my door again to get out and walk away.

Second, if he were truly a southern gentleman, she would not even have had the opportunity to open her own door, because he would have had the foresight to get there first. When that didn’t happen, his true colors came out pretty quickly, as he then proceeded to blame her for something he wanted but failed to accomplish.

Unacceptable.

I was raised to be a southern lady around true southern gentlemen. And I was taught that a southern lady does not wait out in the elements, sweating and sunburning, with her hair getting blown to kingdom come.

A southern lady does not wait for doors to be opened. Open doors wait for her. That’s what meeting the standard of southern gentleman looks like.

Certainly, there is room for grace. He may not always get to the door first, and she will open it herself. She will start up the stairs before he gets there. She may get so excited to see him that she rushes out the front door before he has a chance to come knock on it when he picks her up.

But as Footloose, my mom, and my memaw taught us, the correct response in that situation is “You look beautiful,” not “Have patience.”

The shriek I shrieked when he said that to her. Bold of him to stand that close, I’ll give him that.

Behavior like this is why the southern gentleman trope is one of my least favorite in fiction. It’s too easy for a man to act polite when his heart is really just a wasteland of misogynistic bullshit. And then people start thinking that’s the way it’s supposed to be in reality.

It is not.

Respect and kindness have to be at the core, or your “southern gentleman” persona is just a smokescreen for abuse.

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