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I’ve had the draft document for this post open with nothing but a title for three days. That seems ominous.

Do I even have plans this summer? Or is it just something I have to get through until the weather is nice enough to wear my boots again?

I know why I’m hesitant. It makes sense. Summer is the busiest time at my job, so while everyone else is making plans to go on vacation, have fun outings, embrace all the summer programs that their community has to offer, and just generally live their best lives, I’m going to be super busy most days and, subsequently, too worn out by the time evening comes around to want to do any of those things. 

I’m also checking in on my parents more, which means at least every other weekend will be spent working on things at the farm, hanging out with my new bird friends (see above), and helping Mom and Dad plan and navigate whatever the next phase will bring.

I’m not really looking for more plans. 

In fact, what would make my summer better is to find things to take off my plate. That seems unlikely, though.

I don’t want to suck at my job or abandon my family. I also don’t want to drop off the face of the earth with friends or miss out on the things that bring me the most joy.

But it’s just a lot, and I probably need to use some of that PTO I have stored up.

So my bucket list this summer is more of to-not-do list. And it’s just two things:

  1. Find 5-10 random days to take off. I’m leaning toward 5 right now, but if things start getting nuttier, it’s gonna need to be closer to 10.
  2. DON’T. TELL. ANYONE. As soon as I say, “I’m really looking forward to taking a couple of days off next week,” people like to respond with “Ooh, we could do something!”

    Which is great. Truly. I adore the place of love and excitement that comes from. I’m glad people still want to hang out with me even when I’m not my very best self, which seems to be all the time these days.

    But the moment I start making plans on my day off…I no longer have the day off. Sure, I may get to sleep in or have more leisure time, and I guess that’s better than nothing. But once I make a plan with someone else, that whole day is now centered around making sure I don’t get too involved in a project or task – or even a spontaneous outing, if that’s where the day’s whims take me – that I forget or show up late to the plans I made. And I’m very bad at turning down things that sound fun with people I love simply because I need to rest. While I strive to be better at this, I recognize that I’m not there yet, so I’m removing the temptation altogether by not letting anyone think I’m available when I’m not.

Whew.

Saying I’m not available when I have the day off is uncomfortable for me. I have struggled with being honest about what I need for most of my adult life. Peeling off the people-pleasing layers I clung to during childhood is hard, and this one is particularly thick. 

It’s work worth doing, though.

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I have a bone to pick with Substack (and other platforms that constantly harass you to pay for subscriptions to individual blogs). Or maybe my beef is with some of its users? My Substack doesn’t have a paywall (which is a good thing, since I haven’t posted since August), so I am not sure if they (the writers) can choose how paid posts go out. But my minor annoyance today is receiving an email from a person whose free content I subscribe to, only to get a few paragraphs into it and get the prompt “Like what you’re reading? Upgrade to a paid subscription to read the rest!”

No, thank you.

First of all, I realize maintaining a blog is a lot of work, and it is disheartening to work for free. I have been blogging since 2002-ish, and for about 8 years, I wrote blogs for companies as part of my copywriting job, so I totally understand wanting to get paid for it. And companies should absolutely pay their bloggers, because their writing enriches the company’s online presence and is thus instrumental in selling a lot of the products or services the company offers. 

But unless the blogger is offering truly unique content that reads more like a chapter of a book I would buy than a blog post (which several of the bloggers I follow are, and I am happy to pay for as many of those subscriptions as my budget will allow), their blog is most likely just marketing. Artful marketing, to be sure, but marketing nonetheless. It is a useful tool to build an audience (or, brand, if you must call it that). But that’s still marketing, not final content to be purchased. Readers shouldn’t have to pay for companies or organizations (or – dare I say it – even authors) to advertise to them. 

It also feels like not wanting to do the work of writing, editing, proofreading, and publishing a whole book but wanting to get paid for doing so anyway. After all, $6 a month = $72 a year. That’s two or three books I could have bought instead. And again, I get it. Just because you haven’t gone through all those specific steps, that doesn’t mean your content isn’t valuable. But regardless of what capitalism would have us believe, valuable doesn’t automatically equal a paycheck. Sometimes what’s most valuable is the ability to show readers the kind of literary citizen you are committed to being. 

There is something to be said about generosity. A free blog is a generous thing to do. And even if it is money you’re after, let it be noted that I am more likely to buy the books of authors who are generous with their fans/audience than those who nickel-and-dime us at every opportunity. 

Yes, there are blogs I pay for, because they offer high-quality content that either informs my own writing, helps me keep up with current events, or provides access to services I enjoy. Also – related rant – I am 100% on board with food bloggers putting their recipes behind a paywall for those who click “skip to recipe.” I’ve never gotten so many “tl;dr” or “just give us the good stuff and stop yapping” comments as I do when I post about food. They’re the reason new commenters to this blog have to be approved before I’ll allow the comment to post. No matter how you spin it or justify it, this attitude is just rude. You want Aunt Gale’s secret ingredient that she added to her hummingbird cake? That’ll be $5. Unless, of course, you want to act like you remember there’s a person behind that post and thus take a few minutes of your time to listen to the story of Aunt Gale first. If you can answer some key questions about the content, then thank you so much for your kind attention, internet stranger/friend who understands how reciprocal human communication works. Here is the recipe without charge, and I hope you enjoy the cake. But if all you want from me is a transactional exchange, then a transactional exchange you will get. If you come into my space acting like a demanding customer, please be advised that the small amount of time I am willing to set aside for putting up with that is expensive.

All this is to say…I get why some people charge for their content. I truly do. There are many spaces and situations where this is absolutely appropriate. But if I’m subscribed for free, I don’t want the upsell. I’ve already made my choice. Find a way to put mechanisms in place so that I don’t get all these emails junking up my inbox, teasing content that I can’t actually access without shelling out the dough.

 All I want for Christmas is fewer commercials. 

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“…because she didn’t know if it was better to be correct or fun, and why did it feel like she always had to choose between the two?”
Alison Espach, The Wedding People

Almost halfway through the month, and this is the quote that is resonating with me most this morning. I feel this way in several areas of my life.

It comes through in my art. There is a tension between my training and my enjoyment. I outline and then write a rough draft and then edit…except that is more focus and work than I can commit to right now. So I keep writing but in ways that are more fun. I blog, I write bad poetry (and let it stay bad…for now), and I experiment with stream-of-consciousness journaling. I am a classically trained pianist, but I have found so much freedom in just sitting at the keyboard and playing around with whatever sounds, chords, and melodies come forth. I stick to just enough of my dance basics to be safe (turns out, the basics of dance are mostly about avoiding injury) when I fling myself about in a haphazard way in my living room. I love the foundation that my training has given me but I also love breaking out of it when I need to.

It comes through at my job. I don’t think I’m a good manager. I want the job to be fun for my team, but I spend so much of my day harping on corrections – mostly about basic stuff they should already know – that I feel more like a nag. A nice nag, but a nag nonetheless. I also find it exhausting and dehumanizing to be held responsible for the actions (or lack thereof) of other people with precarious levels of give-a-damn. I know it’s not a unique problem – this is just management in a nutshell – but it’s still gross. I’m still waiting for the big bucks that are supposed to make it worthwhile to hit the bank account. I need to learn how to be inspiring, but I just don’t know that I’m that person.

It’s coming through in my life in general right now. Life isn’t super fun these days. Or, it can be, but there is a high price for anything that lasts longer than an hour or uses a lot of energy. The “correct” thing is to rest and not overdo it, but it takes so little to overdo it that I’m not sure that’s even a reasonable expectation. Overdoing it and the ridiculously over-the-top physical consequences of doing so seem inevitable. This would be a great time to be independently wealthy so that I could spend my precious energy only on fun things.

One of the ways I’m slowing my roll this month is not being super picky about writing a post every single day. It will happen most days – just not every day. It’s especially nice to take a break on the weekends.

Where do you get caught up in the struggle between being correct and being fun? Or do you? Is it just me?

Reflecting on my reading this month…

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I subscribe to quite a few blogs/newsletters, and that’s where a lot of my daytime reading goes. Here are my musings on three that stuck out to me this week. There were a couple others from Substack, but just as it was getting interesting, the prompt to become a paid subscriber popped up, so I’ll spare you those. I may have more to say about that later (not all bad…just…more).

  • Loving Your Inner Hobbit – Ask Polly (aka Heather Havrilesky). “The truth is, I think that most of us — even those of us who outwardly appear lazy or disorganized or prone to underachieving — hold ourselves to uncomfortably high standards. We’re plagued by guilt without consciously realizing it. We’re ashamed of our regular human urges. We feel like we’re letting ourselves down constantly, just by being human.” I have been feeling this a lot recently. I mean, I have overachiever tendencies all the time, but I’ve trained them to stay mostly dormant. Not right now, though. I have a lot of anxiety – mostly about work, but also about other things in my life that I feel like I’m missing the mark on. And as much as I would love to blame other people, the bulk of this stress really is just coming from inside the house. All the grace other people are extending to me seems to bounce right off this hard shell of expectations that I have for myself. I want to embrace my inner hobbit (that’s pretty much my whole personality, btw. Ultra homebody. I don’t know anyone who loves being at home as much as I do.); I just seem to have temporarily forgotten how.
  • Coffee Table Books – Ginger Horton (MMD Book Club). “Gift books and coffee table books—you know the ones, usually hardcover with loads of glossy photos or illustrations, probably picked up in that impulse section of your local bookstore, or even in a boutique or on vacation—provide some of my favorite reading experiences. And yet when a friend asks, ‘What are you reading?’ I’m prone to forget to mention that gorgeous volume on the nightstand that’s been flipped through many times or the little book of essays that sits in the breakfast nook.” This rings so true for me. Some of my favorite reading experiences are not the things I talk about the most. They’re not the books I read cover to cover and then mark as read on my reading tracker apps. They’re the design books in my living room that I thumb through when I need to see something pretty or the short humor essays I read (or re-read) when I need a quick laugh. As I get more shelves and reorganize my collection, that’s becoming more of what’s on my TV shelf – books that are best enjoyed in increments.
  • Bracing Yourself: How To Process Breast Cancer After Treatment Ends – Bezzy BC. “You won’t be told how to manage survivors’ guilt or how to respond to the continuous stream of messages that will no doubt flood every inbox you own. You won’t be prepared for the fake quick fixes your loved ones will tell you about because they heard it from a complete stranger in a grocery checkout line. You won’t be told how to feel when people you have contact with every single day drop off the face of the earth because your cancer diagnosis is too much for them.” Another thing I wasn’t told is that there’s this weird space between treatment and after treatment. I’ve rung the bell, signifying that the big three – chemo, surgery, radiation – are done. But I still have the port because I’m still getting immunotherapy treatments every three weeks, and I still have routine checkups and tests in the upcoming months to confirm that what we did actually worked. Is it really “after” if there are still appointments on the books? If I still feel the lingering symptoms from radiation and chemo (or maybe even surgery)? Part of processing involves knowing exactly where I stand, and I’m not really sure how to do that. The ground under me feels pretty shaky right now.

I am staring down the last few hours of work and then I am looking forward to a restful weekend.

Hope your weekend is everything you want it to be!

And I hope you’re enjoying my reading reflections this month.

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“Striving is fine, as long as it’s tempered by the realization that, in an entropic universe, the final outcome is out of your control. If you don’t waste your energy on variables you cannot influence, you can focus much more effectively on those you can. When you are wisely ambitious, you do everything you can to succeed, but you are not attached to the outcome—so that if you fail, you will be maximally resilient, able to get up, dust yourself off, and get back in the fray. That, to use a loaded term, is enlightened self-interest.”
Dan Harris, 10% Happier

I’ve never considered myself an ambitious person. I mean, I have goals, and I do everything I can to meet them. But I have learned that there are many things that have to fall into place for most of the outcomes I seek to actually happen, and a lot of these things aren’t necessarily within my control.

I can apply for the job, nail the interview, have all the qualifications…and still not get hired.

I can write a good rough draft and then edit it into really beautiful prose, but I can’t make anyone want to read it (or any publisher want to publish it).

I can be thoughtful, giving, kind – really, just a top-notch, sensational delight of a human being – and that person who catches my eye can still not be interested in dating me.

I can do everything right and still not get what I want.

I can do everything to the best of my ability (which often is above average) and still fail.

It took me a long time to learn that failing does not equal being a failure.

Failing is an inevitable part of the process. In fact, just about anyone who has ever worked toward anything worth having will tell you, failing happens a lot more often than succeeding.

But once I learned that I don’t need to waste time wallowing when I fail – wondering what’s wrong with me or overanalyzing what I could have done to change the outcome (answer – probably nothing, as many outcomes are 0% within my personal control) – I found that I could move on and try again a lot more easily. Turns out, trying again (even a lot of times) is not as big of a deal when I’m not bogged down by thoughts of inadequacy (e.g., I didn’t get what I want, therefore I suck) or personal offense (e.g., I didn’t get what I want, therefore they suck).

My personal goals are all based on what I can accomplish completely on my own. At work, we are implementing a “new” system that I hope will actually restructure the way we frame and evaluate our goals there, too.

I’m sharing reflections on my reading this year.

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It’s National Book Lover’s Day, so I encourage you to celebrate accordingly. It’s also the first day of Mean Green Move-In at UNT, so I am looking forward to going home to celebrate as well. Tomorrow is another busy day so the celebration may be cut short with an earlier bedtime.

Five things that grabbed my attention this week:

  • I think I’d be a great book butler. Maybe that will be my next career.
  • Joy the Baker is featured in Houstonia magazine. I love her and I love that she’s in Texas now. As a lifelong resident, I welcome her as one of our own. 
  • It is easy to find arguments online for food being either strictly for fuel or for health or for pleasure. Why not all three? I love this long read that reminds me of the importance of fueling my body by eating the things it’s craving and thus probably needs to replenish missing nutrients and to do the things I’m asking it to do.
  • I really appreciate everyone who has helped me feel like a human this year. I am also loving the Olympics but there are too many things I want to say about them to fit in this post. Just…Simone Biles, Jordan Chiles, Stephen Nedoroscik, Ilona Maher…love them.
  • And finally, in political news, I’m still extra liberal and not impressed with this middle-of-the-road, “at least we’re not the other guy” nonsense. The thing that stuck out to me most this week was Harris’s response to the protesters at her rally. “If you want Donald Trump to win, then say that. Otherwise, I’m speaking.” Since she knows these particular protesters would not be likely to vote for Trump either, this comment seems designed to shush and shame, which is an interesting approach to asking for someone’s vote. I’m not sure it’s the best campaign strategy to win over those of us for whom continuing the current administration’s stance on Israel/Gaza is a dealbreaker. We gave Biden/Harris a chance for these past four years and they have proven that once they’re in office they don’t care what we think. So many of us need to see change before we vote for her again. If she doesn’t want Donald Trump to win, maybe it would be better to listen to liberals whose votes she doesn’t already have than to settle for a quippy sound bite.

    Edited to add: More of this. Also, just…more. But this was a better response than before.

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Welcome to August! The staff have been in training this week, and today was their big breakfast, so I went in early to cover the office so they all could go. I am glad I went in this morning, but after treatment, I was even happier to go home, have a leisurely lunch, run some errands, and check in with my stylist to tame these cute little tufts that are forming all over my head. 

I’m at the point in my treatment where the end is in sight. So even though I still feel fatigued and itchy and constantly on the verge of infection (I’m assured I’m fine – it’s just part of the fatigue – but I’m taking a ridiculous amount of vitamins and treating it like a precursor to a cold anyway), I’m starting to notice again how much I’m missing out on by just not having the energy to do more than the bare minimum. 

I don’t subscribe to a lot of paid Substack accounts, but Roxane Gay’s posts are well worth the small fee I pay each month for it. I get access to her book club discussions, and essays on things like learning to write again from a seasoned writer and educator. I feel like I’m learning to write again as well. I’ve been journaling, but it’s not the same as losing myself in fiction or poetry, and I’m pretty rusty. It’s been a bit of a slog, and I’m grateful to hear that this, too, is common and overcomeable (a word? I don’t think that’s a word. Welp, it is now).

Here are some other things I’ve enjoyed reading this week:. 

  • It is so hard to find a therapist. I feel this post in my soul. Dr. Chanequa Walker-Barnes is one of my main go-to sources for practical advice when it comes to self-care and rest. She echoes a lot of my own struggles in this piece.
  • I love Joy the Baker’s team and their Let It Be Sunday posts, and this past Sunday’s edition was especially good. I particularly enjoyed the pieces on how to cope with the social exhaustion of work (and I have needed these tips this week with all the training) and tips on travel (which is something else I may be interested in as I come out of my treatment fog. Maybe. We’ll see. Got some ideas for my birthday next March.). 
  • Mountain Ash Press is having a submissions contest. I don’t project having a manuscript that’s ready to submit by August 31 myself, but if you do, check it out and see if it’s a good fit!
  • The longlist for the Booker Prize is out!
  • I love the post from Modern Mrs. Darcy about one of my favorite mystery series. If I were to name a place in literature I’d like to visit, Three Pines would be at the top of my list. If you haven’t read any Inspector Gamache, here’s a good Louise Penny Starter Kit for you.

I hope that your week has been OK and that you have a good and restful weekend. Take care, friends!

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I love a good reading challenge spreadsheet. Especially when it starts having more highlighted areas than blank areas.

August is our busiest month at work. It might seem like this would curtail my reading habits, but it usually accelerates them instead. Once I finally leave work, I don’t want to go anywhere else or do anything else or see anyone else. I just want to go home, take a shower, put on something comfy, and read. Or sometimes stare blankly at the wall. But mostly read.

Here’s what’s up next on the TBR.

Book Clubs

Reading Challenges

July was a good reading month for me. I finished Libro.fm’s Audiobook Champion Challenge (by reading 50+ hours – 60.5, to be exact – via audio), and I am about ⅔ of the way through the National Book Foundation’s Summer Reading Adventure. These short challenges really help out with my reading goals for the year. Noted. 

Summer Challenges

It’s going to take a lot of reading to finish the 52 Book Club’s Summer Reading Challenge. I’ve decided I’ll be happy if I finish it by the end of September. I’ve barely begun the books for this challenge that I planned for July. But here is the last group:

  • Team pursuits (featuring a group of friends) – A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles
  • Cross-country (title or theme related to the word endurance) – Night by Elie Wiesel
  • Handball (author shares the last name of an Olympian) – The Book Eaters by Sunyi Dean (same last name as Tom Dean, swimmer for Great Britain)
  • Football/soccer (a double letter in the word title) – The Wedding People by Alison Espach
  • At least four Olympic ring colors on the cover – Memphis by Tara M. Stringfellow
  • Author who hasn’t released a book in the last four years – Toujours Provence by Peter Mayle
  • Memoir/biography about an Olympian – 26 Marathons by Meb Keflezighi with Scott Douglas
  • Volleyball (set in a country that wins a 2024 Olympic gold in Volleyball) – We won’t know which country this is until later this month or early next month, so I’ll keep you posted!

I’ve enjoyed everything so far that I’ve read for the MMD Minimalist Challenge. When I finish all the books on this list, I’ll post an update!

I am loving StoryGraph so far. The app hasn’t had records of a few of the more obscure books I’ve read, but the graphics alone (they have pie charts!) that help you see what you have read and what you are likely to enjoy are excellent. I am participating in their onboarding challenge that is designed to help readers learn several of the app’s features, and here’s what I’m reading for that challenge:

  • Read a book from the five-star section of one of your similar readers – The House in the Cerulean Sea by TJ Klune (finished)
  • From StoryGraph’s list of “out of your comfort zone” – Emotional Inheritance by Galit Atlas, PhD – this was the book they listed that was closest to the prompt. Others? Not so much. I would be interested in seeing how the StoryGraph algorithm generates this list. I mean, to be fair, not much is out of my literary comfort zone. But still.
  • Reading challenge random number game – One thing I really enjoy about this app is that you can track the reading challenge(s) you’re participating in. It allows you to search for challenges, and this game asks you to pick a number, go to the genre in the list that corresponds to that number, and read a book that meets a prompt in that challenge. Sounds complicated, but I picked 5, which corresponded to “Book Clubs, Podcasts, and Publications” section, which includes the Penguin 100 Must-Read Classic Books challenge, so I’m reading Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë. 
  • Read a book from your to-read pile that starts with the first letter of your name – Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat by Samin Nosrat
  • Read a book you discovered via the Buddy Reads or readalongs page – Cheating a little with this one, as there were no books listed that I “discovered” here (I’d at least heard of all of them), but I am enjoying reading Quiet by Susan Cain with a few other people.
  • Read a book from your Up-Next suggestions – Before the Coffee Gets Cold by Toshikazu Kawaguchi

2024 Challenges

Next up on the list for my year-long challenges:

10% Happier by Dan Harris 

  • Read at least ten minutes of an audiobook every day for a month (Libro fm)

Wandering Stars by Tommy Orange

  • Nominated for the Booker Prize (52 Book Club)
  • Listen to an audiobook by an indigenous author (Libro.fm)

The Poet X by Elizabeth Acevedo

  • Listen to a banned book (Libro.fm)

Gay the Pray Away by Natalie Naudus

  • Read an audiobook discussed on the Libro.fm podcast (Libro.fm)

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

  • An author “everyone” has read except you (52 Book Club)

The Duke and I by Julia Quinn

  • A book that’s been adapted into a movie or TV show (Nowhere

And if that wasn’t a lot already, I’m also finishing up a couple of books that are due at the library this week:

I hope you get a chance to get out of the heat (or rain, or social obligations, etc.) and read some fantastic books this month!

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This week was a lot. First week back to work after surgery, and it went pretty well. We had two Freshman Orientation sessions this week, so our team was running around everywhere between tabling, talking to parents, giving tours, and answering the phone that kept ringing off the hook. And next week’s schedule looks the same.

So this weekend is all about relaxing! I’m gonna DoorDash some dinner tonight (and maybe breakfast tomorrow, too) and read to my heart’s content. Well, read until I fall asleep. I am not sure there are enough hours ever to fully reach my heart’s content when it comes to reading.

Links for this week:

  • I finally broke down and started a GoFundMe for my medical expenses after learning how much I would have to pay out of pocket for my upcoming radiation treatments. But this is the last major phase of treatment – it’s all just ongoing prevention and checkups after that!
  • I’m very excited for my friend Andi who recently signed a contract with a publisher for all her books! I also really like her YouTube channel.
  • Lessons in Chemistry is one of my favorite books I’ve read in the last few years. Easily top five. This interview with author Bonnie Garmus makes me love it even more. Success really is the best revenge.
  • Welp, I did it. I subscribed to Archer and Olive, and I just got the notification that my June box was delivered. So I have that to look forward to later this evening!
  • Finally, I love the Quiet Life community Susan Cain has created, and one of the neatest things they do is the community art project.

I hope you have a great weekend!

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May 2024 TBR

Welcome to May! The last month for a while when temperatures in Texas are likely to be anywhere near reasonable. The end of the semester. The beginning of summer (including summer training). Surgery toward the end of the month. 

Lots of things going on, but maybe also plenty of time to read. Here’s what I’m planning on this month.

Book Clubs

  • Real Americans by Rachel Khong – I know I haven’t been including my subscriptions, but when it’s both Nowhere’s Fantastic Strangelings pick AND Roxane Gay’s pick for the month, I probably want to go ahead and read it. Also will meet the standard for 52 Book Club’s prompt “A sticker on the cover” and Nowhere’s “A Nowhere Book Club pick.”
  • Mad Honey by Jodi Picoult and Jennifer Finney Boylan – Not sure I’ll get around to re-reading it, but it is seared into my brain, so I’m excited to talk about it with friends again! If you haven’t read it, definitely pick it up.
  • The Measure by Nikki Erlick – Another possible re-read, especially as I’m slated to lead the discussion. This was one of my favorite books that I read last year.
  • Dinosaurs by Lydia Millet – A story of hope amidst a sea of existential dread. Same, Dinosaurs.
  • When Women Were Dragons by Kelly Barnhill – Historical fiction for Rise & Shine group, a “fiery feminist fantasy.” Sounds like something I would love.
  • Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll – I’m participating in my first readalong through the Audrey app. This should be fun.

Reading Challenges

The Pole by J.M. Coetzee

Funny Story by Emily Henry 

  • Choose an audiobook solely based on your favorite narrator (narrated by Julia Whelan) – Libro fm

Scorched Grace by Margot Douaihy

  • Read an audiobook set in your favorite city (New Orleans) – also Libro.fm

The Book Charmer by Karen Hawkins

  • A book with magical realism (POPSUGAR)

Library Reads

These need to go back to the library soon, so on to May’s TBR they go!

There are several books I’m finishing from previous months, and I’m on a Phryne Fisher kick with my audio selections, so a few of those will likely make an appearance this month, too.

I hope you get some time to read something you love this month!

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