I’ve had the draft document for this post open with nothing but a title for three days. That seems ominous.
Do I even have plans this summer? Or is it just something I have to get through until the weather is nice enough to wear my boots again?
I know why I’m hesitant. It makes sense. Summer is the busiest time at my job, so while everyone else is making plans to go on vacation, have fun outings, embrace all the summer programs that their community has to offer, and just generally live their best lives, I’m going to be super busy most days and, subsequently, too worn out by the time evening comes around to want to do any of those things.
I’m also checking in on my parents more, which means at least every other weekend will be spent working on things at the farm, hanging out with my new bird friends (see above), and helping Mom and Dad plan and navigate whatever the next phase will bring.
I’m not really looking for more plans.
In fact, what would make my summer better is to find things to take off my plate. That seems unlikely, though.
I don’t want to suck at my job or abandon my family. I also don’t want to drop off the face of the earth with friends or miss out on the things that bring me the most joy.
But it’s just a lot, and I probably need to use some of that PTO I have stored up.
So my bucket list this summer is more of to-not-do list. And it’s just two things:
- Find 5-10 random days to take off. I’m leaning toward 5 right now, but if things start getting nuttier, it’s gonna need to be closer to 10.
- DON’T. TELL. ANYONE. As soon as I say, “I’m really looking forward to taking a couple of days off next week,” people like to respond with “Ooh, we could do something!”
Which is great. Truly. I adore the place of love and excitement that comes from. I’m glad people still want to hang out with me even when I’m not my very best self, which seems to be all the time these days.
But the moment I start making plans on my day off…I no longer have the day off. Sure, I may get to sleep in or have more leisure time, and I guess that’s better than nothing. But once I make a plan with someone else, that whole day is now centered around making sure I don’t get too involved in a project or task – or even a spontaneous outing, if that’s where the day’s whims take me – that I forget or show up late to the plans I made. And I’m very bad at turning down things that sound fun with people I love simply because I need to rest. While I strive to be better at this, I recognize that I’m not there yet, so I’m removing the temptation altogether by not letting anyone think I’m available when I’m not.
Whew.
Saying I’m not available when I have the day off is uncomfortable for me. I have struggled with being honest about what I need for most of my adult life. Peeling off the people-pleasing layers I clung to during childhood is hard, and this one is particularly thick.
It’s work worth doing, though.
M. Suzanne Terry 
You are so right to prioritize your personal time (and thus mental freedom and emotional health, which are part of that!), and in case it needs to be said, **completely within your rights to keep that stuff to yourself**. I hope you know that already; it sounds like you do, but I want to validate that out loud just in case. 🙂
And I’m SO with you on how hard it is to say no to fun things or beloved people. So here’s one of them saying, “You’re looking at this the right way!” Good job on figuring out what to expect, knowing your limits, and stating all of this out loud (so to speak). Go for it!
Wishing you a summer with reasonable weather, reliable climate control (where appropriate), and as smooth sailing as possible. And of course, more bird friends. 8^D
Thank you, friend. I did need to hear it. It’s one of those things I know to be true in my head (and something I constantly remind my staff about) but I’ve been so trained to suck it up and give my all to everything that it doesn’t really feel true for me yet. I’m working on it.
Thank you for your kindness and your friendship. I appreciate you!