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Delicious, delicious treat

January 29, 2013 by Suzanne

For lunch, I was not satisfied with the meager offerings of soup that I had in the fridge.  Instead, I pulled out my Pampered Chef Cocotte – observe the cuteness:

And I made some baked eggs.  With some of the roasted veggie soup that I made Sunday.

Whoa.  Whoa.

That was delicious.  I was skeptical, because soup is, well…soupy.  But aside from taking a little longer to bake than normal (usually it only takes 30 minutes; today it took 40), it set up quite nicely.

The extra ten minutes put a little rush on my lunch hour, so I didn’t have time to get a picture of the finished product, but trust me – it was as adorable as it was tasty.

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Wanting does not equal willing (or able)

January 18, 2013 by Suzanne

So I joyously signed up for a 5K in February.  The Hot Chocolate Run.  Sounds easy and delicious, right?

Not when you haven’t run for over a year.

I can do half a mile, which isn’t bad for how terribly not-in-shape I am.  That half a mile is not going to magically turn into a little over three miles in three weeks, though.

So I’ve learned an expensive lesson on why not saying yes to things I’m not sure that I want (or can) do is a good goal for the year, because I can’t get that money back.

Also?  I’m running that race next year.  Because I can do half a mile, and that’s exciting enough to keep going.

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Construction is not constructive

January 16, 2013 by Suzanne

I get that constructions sites are loud.  I really do.  I don’t expect that the construction next to my apartment will never be heard.  I even understand that it will get REALLY loud and that this cannot be helped.  You know, because of physics.

But would it kill the construction workers to be a little considerate?  Is it too much to ask that they take into account that people live there?

Is it really so much to ask that they keep their stuff (e.g., their trucks, supplies, etc.) on their construction site and not in the middle of the street (or, more importantly, in my preferred parking space on said street)?

Is it really so much to ask that they give us notice when they are going to shut down the street?

Do they have to yell at someone across the site, who probably can’t hear them anyway (see: OMG THE NOISE) at 7:00 in the damn morning?  Haven’t they heard of texting?  You can put those things on vibrate, you know.

And most of all, how difficult would it really be to hire about five times as many people so that they can get shit done and go the hell away faster, thus avoiding the apparent need to spend a whole year completely ruining my previously peaceful (read: the whole reason I moved there in the first place) neighborhood with their noise?

One of these days, I am going to flip out when one of them asks me to move my car.  I will exhibit extreme levels of batshit crazy, because that is precisely where their existence next to my home has driven me.  They will stare at me incredulously, but I will not care, and it will not slow down the crazy.

Sometimes, I fantasize that one of them gets hurt.  Not badly, of course, but enough to bleed a bit and maybe require stitches.  I would call 911 for them, but I would giggle, too.  Because karma is a funny bitch, and that’s what you get for being inconsiderate.

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Resolved, 2013

January 2, 2013 by Suzanne

I have been dragging my feet on what my New Year’s Resolutions will be, which is unusual for me. I usually have a pretty good idea of what I want my goals for the next year to be by early December. Every time I have thought about it, though, it has stressed me out. I’m already so busy; when do I have time to do anything new? It was a rough semester, moving to the daytime desk position and teaching four classes instead of my usual three. My workload this spring isn’t going to be any lighter. All previous attempts to compose a list of resolutions so far have resulted in stress baking (you’re welcome, family) and the first three seasons of Smallville (you’re welcome, eyes). I want to continue to learn and progress in some way, though, so I sat down this afternoon to barrel through and come up with something to guide me.

And the word that kept coming to mind was “Stop.”

This year, I resolve to…

1. Stop being such a jerk.

The world was so mean last year. I know it was an election year, but I think it went beyond that. We as a culture seem to have all regressed to junior high, when we didn’t understand the difference between discussing an issue and attacking/belittling the person who disagrees with us on that issue. I would like to say that I rose above that trend, but I can think of a few instances where I gave into the temptation to be a little nastier than I needed to be to get my point across. My old debate coach would have been proud of my performance, but I am not. I don’t want to be a person who goes into discussions assuming that others only disagree with me because they are less informed. And even if, during the course of the conversation, it becomes clear that that is the case, I still don’t have to be an ass about it. At the end of this year, I want to look back and be more satisfied with how I deal with conflicts and disagreements than I am now.

2. Stop participating in Facebook drama.

I took a mini-vacation from Facebook drama in November when I was participating in NaNoWriMo so that I could focus more on writing. I didn’t miss it as much as I thought I would. In fact, even with the 50,000-word deadline staring me down, November was the calmest, most peaceful month of my year. So in December, I decided to intervene in heated discussions only when a voice of reason was needed. Heh. Yeah, that’s so not how Facebook drama works. In person, it works beautifully, but on Facebook, it’s like pouring gasoline on a lit candle in a hayloft. People seem to use Facebook to say things that they’re thinking but would never say out loud in person, because they’re too shy or reasonable. To them, Facebook is their safe place to say whatever they want (I strongly disagree, but that’s a whole other post). So here they are, in the middle of their glorious rant, and then some fool (i.e., me) steps in and tries to get them to dial it back. They, however, do not want to dial it back, and suggesting that they do so pretty much equals volunteering to be their new target. So I’m going to revert back to my Facebook behavior of yore, when it was a happy place where I connected with old friends whom I haven’t seen in a decade, liked all their pictures of their kids/food/cats, and when I had time, tended to my farm.

3. Stop the compulsion to fill up every moment.

I noticed something disturbing in these last two weeks that I was on holiday from work. I’ve lost the ability to sit still. I might have taken a break from my jobs, but I haven’t slowed down. I’ve been multitasking constantly, even if it was as simple as watching a TV show while I ate a meal. I can’t remember a single time in the last two weeks when I just relaxed, and I bet that has a lot to do with why I’m so stressed out. I value efficiency, but this is ridiculous. I want to get back to the place where I can be calm regardless of how busy my schedule is, and the way to do that is by taking time each day to slow down for a few minutes. I don’t even remember what that looks like, so more on this later as I rediscover it.

4. Stop saying, “Yes,” just because I can’t think of a good reason to say, “No.”

Another thing that has contributed to my stressful busyness is that I’ve started agreeing to things only to find myself, on the day of the event, saying, “Why on earth did I say that I’d do this? I don’t want to do this!” And when I reflect back, the only reason that I can come up with is that I didn’t have a good reason not to, and I didn’t want to leave them hanging with a maybe. As committed as I am to avoiding maybe (i.e., the most useless, impolite RSVP ever), I would like to work on adopting the viewpoint that “I don’t want to” is a good enough reason to decline.

5. Stop making excuses.

The main reason that I have had difficulty coming up with resolutions this year is that I’m tired of making goals that I don’t meet. Every year, I set reading, writing, fitness, wellness, organization, and financial goals, and every year, I fall short of them. As much joy as I get from the process of pursuing these goals, a part of me can’t help but feel unsuccessful, and that part of me feels the need to justify why they weren’t fully met. But I’m not going to do that anymore, because the truth is that I make time to do the things that are really important to me. My reading/writing nook in my apartment is always tidy, even when the rest of the place looks like a tornado hit it, and keeping it that way is not even something that I set out to do. It stays that way, because I want it to stay that way, so I make it happen. I keep up with inputting grades, because I don’t like having the constant nag of knowing there’s still work to be done hovering over my weekend, so I make sure I get it done before the weekend begins. And yes, I would like to be in better shape and take better care of myself and keep the rest of the house tidy and clean and handle my finances a little better, and it’s not a question of time, because somewhere, someone busier than I am is accomplishing those things. I’m not going to set specific expectations, though, until I better understand what my priorities are, because clearly, they don’t involve any of those things, or I would be doing them already.

So I’m going to stop making excuses to myself and to others about why I can’t seem to achieve these things that I consistently identify as goals, trusting that when they become important enough to me, I will do what I need to do in order to be successful at them. Meanwhile, I’m going to start a year of observation. I’m going to keep a calendar of how I spend my free time, and I expect that it will reveal what my priorities have become, since they’re obviously not the things that I want them to be. I suspect that you can look forward to some extreme navel-gazing posts concerning the issue throughout the year.

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In preparation for the new

December 12, 2012 by Suzanne

From Jim Palmer’s prompt:

1) What old and self-sabotaging story about yourself are you carrying around in life that you need to bury once and for all?

That I’m lazy.  That I need to defend myself when others jokingly call me lazy (in the sarcastic you’re-the-least-lazy-person-I-know way, because I actually work all the time, and my friends see this even when I don’t).  That I’m a failure, career-wise and financially, because I’m lazy.  That my house is messy because I’m lazy.  That I’m lazy and deserve all the negative consequences that I perceive as being a direct result of being lazy.

2) What new possibility is it time for you to begin courageously creating in your life, starting today?

Two things:

a) That I’m a writer.  I think that finishing NaNoWriMo gave me a jump start to this.  It proved to me that even working two jobs, I can do this.   I know that I can, because I did.  I mean, I haven’t revised/cut/edited, which is the harder work for me, but churning out 50,000 words in 30 days is nothing to sneeze at.

b) That I can have a home that is welcoming to others, and that it’s not the overwhelming task that I sometimes make it out to be.  I’ll say more on this at a later date.  I’m going to let it stew for a while.

3) You are not limited to the person you have become. Imagine a new way of being you that you get to create, which deeply resonates with your heart, soul, and spirit. Describe that person in writing.

She loves what she does for a living – not just the people she works with or the occasional task – but really loves the work itself.  She travels, even if there’s no one to go with her.  She’s not afraid to go alone.  She’s not afraid, period.  She relishes solitude when it is given to her.  She buys fair and locally when at all possible.  She is loved deeply and specifically by a special person whom she loves deeply and specifically as well.

4) The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result. Where is it in your life that you need to do things differently, and explore a new way of thinking or being?

Online dating.  I just need to stop.  There may be a good match for me out there on the intrawebs, but mostly, there are just trolls.  It affects my opinion of available men of a certain age, which may not be accurate or fair.  After all, I’m an available woman of a certain age, and I’m fantastic.  It’s not outside the realm of possibility that the same could be true of men.

Missing deadlines for calls for papers or writing contests.  It’s hard to get published if you never submit anything.

Buying more than three bananas at a time.  I just don’t eat them that quickly, and I say that I will make banana muffins if they get too ripe, but I will not.

5) Share one of the above items with others. In other words, share with a friend the story you’ve decided to bury, or share the new possibility you are creating for your life. Write a post about where you plan to do things differently in life, or new ways you are exploring what it means to be you.

Does this count?  Check.

Also, my goal for December and January is to work on an existing story and have two people read it.  So Maggie and Stefanie – expect emails by the end of January with a hefty attachment.

6) Do something symbolic to represent the significance of today as a new starting line in your life. Walk that bridge. Bury something in the ground. Cast something into the waters. Watch that balloon float into the sky. Create a collage that artistically expresses the significance of today for you. Get a tattoo that holds significance. Whatever it may be for you, do something that is physical or sensory oriented that connects you to the meaning of today for you.

I added more candy canes (oddly enough, my favorite Christmas candy) to my tree.  I’m physically adding more fun and sweetness to something that’s already beautiful, which I’d realize if I took the time to step back and look at it.

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NaNoWriMo novel is finished! Well, 50,000 words of it is finished.

November 30, 2012 by Suzanne

I’ve learned something about myself in writing this story.  I’m not one of those people that can write a novel based on a true story.  I’m good at fiction; I’m good at nonfiction.  I am not good at any sort of hybrid.  It comes out…well, like this did.  Awkward, repetitive prose that has bits of humor stashed in it, but overall, it’s just trying too hard.  It’s too hard for me to meld the two.  I need facts and I need fiction, and never the twain shall meet.

I also need to stop using cliches.  I used them so often that my narrator called another character out on it.  I’m meta-chastising myself.

I’ve also learned that I can do this.  Even with the two jobs and 50-60 hour work week, I can do this.  I don’t have to quit one of my jobs to make writing work.  I mean, I might not ever get paid to write, but at least I will love it.  I have done it for free all my life, so what is the loss really if I continue to do it for free?  I can write and have two jobs until writing replaces one or both of them.  I can actually do this!

I’ve been reminded that my worst days writing are better than my best days teaching.

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An end-of-semester memo to my students

November 26, 2012 by Suzanne

Greetings.

I am sure that you are all concerned about when grades and attendance will be posted online.  The due date for these postings is Monday, December 17.  That’s right – the Monday after finals week.  That’s when all of that is technically due.

But here’s what I’m going to do for you, because I’m so nice:

I will have attendance posted by your class time next week.  That way, you will know for certain whether you are exempt from the final or not.  You will have an actual print-out from me that says that you are exempt or that says that I will have the pleasure of seeing you again the following week for the final exam, along with instructions on how to prepare for said exam.

I will have your grades posted by the end of finals week.  I realize that this is a long time to wait for them, but the good news is that you don’t have to wait.  You can figure out what your grade is on your very own, with no additional input from me whatsoever.  Take the grades that I’ve handed back to you (as of this week, that will be six grades total – three individual speeches and three group speeches).  Add these grades together, and divide by six (or, the total number of grades).  This gives you up-to-date information on where you stand in the class.  Do not email me to ask me what your grades are.  I don’t email grades because I cannot verify privacy via email, and because I believe that if you really cared, you would keep up with them.  If you have failed to do so, congratulations – you’ve learned a life lesson (i.e., keep up with your grades).  And you thought you were only here to learn public speaking.  Bonus for you!

In the past, students have felt the need to express their disagreement with my time schedule regarding these issues, and I certainly recognize your right to express yourself.  Before you do, however, do me a favor.  Ask yourself how many assignments you have handed in a week before they were due to me.  Is that answer “zero” (hint:  it is)?  If so, perhaps this should be a sign unto you that the more realistic perspective to adopt is one of gratitude (or even mere acceptance – I’m happy with acceptance) that I’m getting it done early, rather than annoyance that I don’t have it done already.

Bonus helpful hint:  That figuring-out-your-own-grade thing?  You can probably do that in your other classes, too.  A visit to the section in the syllabus where the grading scale is located and some elementary math skills (or a friend with those skills) should be all you need.

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Four More Years

November 7, 2012 by Suzanne

I’m so happy right now, I can’t even stand it.  I’d sleep, but I’m too excited.  This is better than four years ago.

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Not this

October 30, 2012 by Suzanne

I was sick yesterday, so I stayed home and mostly slept and watched TV and read (when I could stand it).  I returned this morning to work, still sniffly but at least vertical.  My first hour of work has been what I typically get on Monday morning – a bombardment of neediness.  Work orders that need to be filed.  Paperwork that needs to be proofread or completed.  Everyone who was told over the weekend, “Come back on Monday morning when the full-time clerk is here,” needing me to do what they really needed to be done over the weekend the first time they asked.  And the classroom isn’t any better.  If I have to answer one more question that is clearly outlined on the assignment sheet, “going postal” may have to be renamed “going educational.”  Part of me thinks, “Come on.  They’re just 18…19…20.  Remember how you were at 18…19…20?”  But a louder part of me thinks, “Yes.  I do remember.  That’s why the neediness is annoying – because I didn’t do that.  I read the instructions and followed them and only asked questions after trying numerous times to fix it or figure it out on my own.”  Except for that one time when I called a professor in his office to get a grade instead of walking across campus to get it in class.  Dr. Critelli, I am so, so sorry.  Thank you for being kind enough to answer my question and not fail me.

I’ve never had an answer to “What do you see yourself doing in five or ten years?”  When I was in my early twenties, it freaked me out when I didn’t have an answer, because you’re supposed to know, or at least that’s what everyone tells you.  In my later twenties/early thirties, it stopped freaking me out, because while I still didn’t really know what I wanted to be when I grew up, I enjoyed teaching well enough, so I was happy to stay there.  But not having an answer to this question has its drawbacks, because sooner or later, well enough isn’t good enough.  I’m no longer frustrated by people who ask me to make long-term goals.  I get it now.  They weren’t trying to pressure me; they just wanted more for me than being 37 years old with an advanced degree and lots of experience, but still teaching the same class part-time I’ve been teaching for fifteen years and working another job for which I am ridiculously overqualified.

I finally have an answer to the question, though. What do I see myself doing in five years?  Not this.  I am thankful for this, but it’s not a forever plan.  I’ve never been ambitious, and I can’t really say that I am now (at least not where work is concerned), but having jobs for which I don’t think that I’m well-suited is driving me to find something for which I am well-suited.  And that gives the neediness a whole new look.  Now, they’re motivation.

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Dear Me

October 26, 2012 by Suzanne

“It’s the last Friday writing prompt before NaNoWriMo! Today’s challenge: write a letter to your mid-NaNo self…then save it somewhere you can read it during November.”

Dear self,

You’re halfway through! Good job! You are on schedule. You are the best writer on the planet. You are fun and smart. You’re the most awesome person ever to live.

[If you are not halfway through, you are still awesome, but know that I’m judging you a little. I mean, not enough to discourage you, but *stern look*]

At this point, you might be tempted to slack off a bit. I know you’re on schedule (you ARE on schedule, aren’t you?), but that’s no reason to get cocky. Here’s a list of twenty things that can wait until December:

1. Trying out that new olive/prosciutto sourdough loaf with the fifteen million steps.
2. Reorganizing your closet.
3. Reorganizing the kitchen.
4. Reorganizing…period.
5. Christmas shopping.
6. Shoe shopping.
7. Grocery shopping in a specialty store or farmer’s market that is more than a twenty-minute drive from home.
8. Trying your hand at making cheese.
9. Monday night margaritas, because you and I both know that you won’t “just drop in and have one.” That’s an all-night event.
10. Calling everyone you’ve been telling, “We should get together sometime.” Sometime has waited this long; it can wait a few more weeks.
11. Learning to sew.
12. Making curtains, skirts, pajama pants, etc., in order to practice your new sewing skills (which you do not have yet anyway – see #11).
13. Starting a new knitting project.
14. Finishing one of the knitting projects that you’ve already started.
15. Hosting a theme dinner/party, unless the theme is Frantically-Caffeinating-to-Finish-NaNoWriMo.
16. Baking a pie.
17. Reading what you’ve written so far. November is for writing. January is for editing. Is it January? No? Then keep writing and quit reminiscing.
18. Completely changing the premise of your novel, since you blatantly ignored #17. It’s a first draft, and a rushed one at that. It’s supposed to be bad.
19. Getting involved in Facebook drama. In fact, that’s just something to avoid in general. Let’s remember in December how nice it was to take a break from that for a month and prolong the magic, okay?
20. Anything on Pinterest that you’ve not already tried to make/do.

Oh, no. I’m just giving you ideas.

Well, don’t do them. Eye on the prize! Press on! Something-super-inspirational!

And bask in the knowledge that you actually have a better excuse for not going out than “…but I’m watching Dr. Who on the Netflix.” Actually, that’s a pretty good excuse. No one at the bar is more interesting than David Tennant.

…

Do not go watch Dr. Who right now. Write!

Love,
You

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