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What I’m Into – February 2014

March 3, 2014 by Suzanne

Image

February was a fun trip to meet dear ones from the Internet in person, a gathering, and weird weather.

It was affirmation, anxiety, a bit of melancholy, and a grounded feeling that I’ve been missing lately.  Welcome back, old friend.

I attended the IF: Gathering in Austin, and I stayed with Story Sessions sisters at a house in Dripping Springs. The conference was good and nerve-wracking and triggery and crowded and inspiring and loud.  The stay at the house was relaxing and lovely and easy (for the most part). And Nicole and Jennifer gave me shells and found poetry (don’t judge their gift by the quality of the picture above).

February weather is on crack.  I mean, I know I am in Texas, so I guess I am used to it.  But it was icy the first half of the month and 60-70 degrees the second half.  And today it’s “icy” again.

Here’s what I was into this February:

To write:

I am on schedule with my goal to write 100 blog posts this year.  I totally count posts that I guest-write for other places.

One of my poems was featured on the Story Sessions site – How It Begins and Ends

Possibly the most important thing I will do this year – guest praying as part of Osheta Moore’s Standing our Ground…in Prayer series

I am also on schedule with Fishbowl word count.  It might actually get finished this year!

To read:

I read about poetry and food this month.  More accurately, I read books that made me want to go to places.

My favorite poetry was Mary Oliver’s A Thousand Mornings.  It makes me want to go back to Cape Cod.

I finished Plum: Gratifying Vegan Dishes from Seattle’s Plum Bistro.  There’s not much chance that I will ever make any of the gorgeous dishes in this book, but if I decided to, there’s plenty of detail in the recipes.  There is a great chance, however, that I will make a point to visit the Plum Bistro the next time I’m in Seattle to taste the gorgeous dishes in this book.

My favorite thing that I read in February was probably Style Me Vintage: A Guide to Hosting Perfect Vintage Events.  When and if, at long last, I finally get married, the bachelorette party will be a Speakeasy.  I already have the playlist started and half the menu planned (and by “half the menu,” I do mean the beverage portion).

To watch:

This month, I learned what everyone was raving about.  Downton Abbey and Sherlock.  I love Downton Abbey, but I need to own Sherlock and watch it forty-two times and maybe write some fanfiction.

I also started watching The Following.  My boss suggested it, and I agreed to give it a try, because I love me some Kevin Bacon.  I don’t know if I can recommend it, because you guys – this show freaks me out.  It’s so damn creepy.  I wouldn’t wish the emotional and mental torment this show has put me through on anyone.  I am also attracted to the serial killer on the show, and I am a little uncomfortable with that. If you watched Dexter or Breaking Bad, you can probably handle it.  I’m just not used to this sort of thing. But it’s so good, so I just can’t quit it.

To hear:

Because I’m super excited about the Veronica Mars movie, and I’m currently reading Welcome to the Monkey House (Vonnegut), it just seems fitting that February would be full of The Dandy Warhols.

Also, Stephanie Trick on piano makes me miss my piano:

And I have basically been listening to every version and spoof of Let It Go I can find.  Here are my favorite three:

To taste:

So, on the way home from Dripping Springs,  Adela and I stopped at Rolling in Thyme and Dough.  Weird name.  GLORIOUS BREAKFAST SANDWICH. Egg and cheese on a croissant….with pesto.  Also, it’s just a cute place.  It would not be unreasonable for you to travel from wherever you are just so you can enjoy this sandwich.

This pales in comparison to the Breakfast Sandwich of Glory, but I have also been on a chicken salad kick.  I normally despise mayonnaise, but occasionally, I just have to have chicken salad.  My favorite – rotisserie chicken (because I totally cheat and get my chicken already roasted at the Kroger), Vegannaise, red grapes, celery, and pecans on rye.

I’m linking up with Leigh Kramer – go over and see what everyone is into!

Posted in Books, Food, What I'm Into, Writing | 2 Comments »

What I Would Do Differently

February 27, 2014 by Suzanne

This post is an answer to a prompt from today’s Story Sessions write-in.  The prompt was “What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

My initial response was –

*snort*  Nothing.  I do what I want.

Then I immediately thought of three things. Well, that was humbling.

1.  I would wear sleeveless shirts so that I could feel both rain and sun on the skin of my shoulders.

I know that I am the only person judging the appearance of my upper arms.  Let me rephrase – I am the only person judging the appearance of my upper arms whose opinion I care about at all.  I’m sure there are catty acquaintances who would have snide things to say behind my back. But I am the only person whose judgment of my arms stops me.  One day, I just need to put on a sleeveless shirt or dress and walk out the door without grabbing a cardigan or checking the mirror.  If I did, I might never wear sleeves again.

2. I would date inappropriate men.

I would date men whom I would have otherwise dismissed because they didn’t exactly fit The List or because I would feel too much need to justify dating them to concerned friends. This is an area where the judgment from others sings loudly.

I like men who love words more than they love hammers, drills, or guns.  They wouldn’t fit as well into my family, but they would fit better with me.

I occasionally like men who are outside the bounds of a 10-year radius in age from me.  Some are younger (still legal, just to be clear), and one or two have been older.  I seem to talk myself out of saying yes to them or pursuing them, though, because I just don’t want to be bothered by the bullshit stigma it might place on me.

I occasionally like men who are outside the bounds of my religion.  I don’t know how this would work for me long-term, but  I do know that it has worked and is working for others.  I know that it would bring challenges, but I also know that challenge is relationship’s middle name. Some days, I feel outside the bounds of my religion, and even on those days, I still work with me, so I’m not convinced that it would be the end of the world that some friends seem to think that it would be to date someone who lives there.

I like charming men. There.  I said it.  Charm is an art, and I like it.  Throw all the verses about how deceitful it is and the warnings about smarmy (not the same word as charming – can we just recognize that?  Perhaps there’s a reason?) fellows at me that you want to throw. I still like it. I like not having to babysit a guy at social occasions, and that makes charm super attractive. Liking it and being bamboozled by it are not the same thing.

3. I would edit the words that come out of my mouth less strictly.

I have a well-trained inner editor.  Sometimes, she goes on vacation, but most of the time, she is one hell of a watchdog.  I am grateful for her.  In fact, I wish more people had one, because it’s okay (read: preferable) for every thought that we think not to spring off our tongues.

But sometimes, my editor is a workaholic.  I’ll hear someone else say something and think, Yes. That’s what I actually wanted to say. I envy them a little, but mostly I’m just glad that it got voiced.  And mostly, I’m sad that I didn’t have the courage to be the one who voiced it.

How about you?  What would you do differently if you knew that you wouldn’t be judged?

Posted in Story Sessions | Leave a Comment »

Standing our Ground

February 27, 2014 by Suzanne

I’m guest-praying at Osheta Moore’s Shalom in the City today.  Today, we say “we don’t know,” and “help.”  Please come join us.

Also, read these things:

White Christians: Please Stop Denying Your Privilege

‘I Am Still Called by the God I Serve to Walk This Out’ – A conversation with Lucia McBath, mother of Jordan Davis

Posted in Church | Leave a Comment »

Sarah Laughed

February 26, 2014 by Suzanne

“I will make you a great nation.  Sarah will bear you a son!”

The Visitor always did like to make an entrance.

None of the standards –

No, “How have you been?”

Or, “Friend, that was a long journey!”

Only a big announcement would do.

She heard while she was minding the supper dishes.

And Sarah laughed.

 

The Visitor was perplexed.

“Why is Sarah laughing? What – does she think I can’t?!”

Abraham, sweet man, tried

To act like it was nothing

To deflect the sound coming from the other room

“Probably just thinking about something funny that happened today.”

She stood in the kitchen, listening to men make plans,

And Sarah laughed.

 

Wouldn’t this have made more sense, Sarah wondered,

To have told me this Himself?

Abraham’s a good husband,

But there’s only so much even a good husband can do to bring a child.

I guess I should be flattered, she thought.

They’re throwing me a surprise party.

In my womb.

And Sarah laughed.

 

She remembered elusive promises and hopes stirred.

How long had the story been told?

Around tables and fires, shrouded in wonder and awe.

Descendants outnumbering the sand.

It need only start with one.

But the one was nowhere to be found.

She had been told of His perfect timing,

So Sarah laughed.

 

She remembered elusive sleep and garments rent.

How many tears had she shed?

Surrounded by a sea of children, but always on the other side of the door.

Skinned knee unbandaged, wedding unattended, grandchildren unheld.

Age showing her what it was capable of

As the bleeding stopped, and the book closed.

She had already cried,

So Sarah laughed.

 

Is this how promises are fulfilled?

To wait until all hope, desire, and ability are gone?

To finally bring her what she always wanted

But only after it was too late for her to enjoy it fully?

Just to make Himself look more special than everyone already knew He was.

Maybe what she wanted to do was punch Him

But she couldn’t

So Sarah laughed.

Posted in Poetry | 4 Comments »

Standing Our Ground in Prayer

February 25, 2014 by Suzanne

I will be guest-posting/guest-praying on Osheta Moore’s blog on Thursday, so I will be back to remind you then, but I don’t want you to miss the rest of this series.  So I’m letting you know today, because today is when it starts.

This might be the most important thing I am a part of this year.  Not that it’s a competition.  But if it were, this might win.

 

Posted in Church | Leave a Comment »

How It Begins and Ends – Guest Post

February 19, 2014 by Suzanne

(Originally written during the 40 Days of Poetry and featured on the Story Sessions blog)

[Possible trigger alert: inexplicit rape theme]

I

It begins…

And it is summer sunrise
A new day with dew-kissed air
And the juicy promise of the first peach of the season.
When the weather is warm, not hot
Breezy, not gusty.

There is heat,
And there is sunshine.

The gaze holds…

And it is rain –
The lovely kind that’s cool, not cold
Or warm, not clammy.
And you have no place to be but dancing in the puddle,
Curls plastered to your face
In a way that’s cute, not messy
Quirky, not weird.

There is laughter,
And there is thunder.

You go out…

And he orders your coffee before you arrive
Because he knows how you like it –
Strong, but smooth,
Sweet, but not fluffy,
Hot, not cold.
And you know that you’re a song he hears –
His favorite one
That he plays over and over.

There is melody,
And there is harmony.

II

He calls one day…

And he is sad, not happy
Worried, not carefree.
And he says, “I just got raped by that test.”
And the words are brown and rotting fruit,
Thrown to the ground by a careless wind.

You want to listen,
But you’re baffled and speechless
On the outside

On the inside, however,
You’re hissing…

No.
No, you did not.

No, you weren’t invaded
To your depths
To your soul

Despite your pleas
Despite your no
Despite your fists
And elbows
And knees.

Despite throwing everything you could think to throw
But still being marked
Helpless, not powerful
And weak, not strong.

You failed because you failed.

Not because something was inflicted upon you that you
Did not deserve
Did not ask for
Could not have foreseen or prevented

III

Or maybe the hiss slips out
Makes its way
Across the line of your lips
Across the line between you
Receiver to ear
Without a face to keep it company.

And it’s his turn to be baffled
And he says, “Where the fuck did that come from?”

And you know he’s hurt, not angry
And confused, not insensitive
(not intentionally, anyway)

YOU KNOW.

But you can’t hear what you know right now over the blaring trumpet solo the patriarchy is playing in your head.

All you can do is spit out…

It comes from
Be a good girl
And mind your manners
And nice girls don’t say things like that
And ladies don’t wear things like that

It comes from
You’re such a goody-goody
You’re such a slut
You’re such a tease
And how talented you must be to be all three.

It comes from
I know what’s best for you
You don’t know what you want
You know you want it
You knew what you were doing when you
Said that
Did that
Were that.

It comes from all the lies that you have ever been told
That you are second in command
Yet responsible for all
And utterly powerless to do anything
Except watch it all fall on top of you.

And no one will help you
Because we all think the whole mess is just one big joke.

IV

So it ends…

And it doesn’t occur to either of you
That there is a response that exists
Between baffled and furious
A way that reaches
Beyond livid and bewildered
Because in that moment, there isn’t.
Because when something fragile shatters
The instinct is
To stand very still
Or to sweep it all away.

No one thinks
To walk barefoot through it.

Posted in Poetry, Story Sessions | Leave a Comment »

Beauty – February Update

February 18, 2014 by Suzanne

My OneWord365 for this year is beauty, and this month, I have been a little detached from it.  I haven’t ignored it, but for the most part, I have let others handle it and have said “yes and amen” (or the 21st century equivalent of doing so – i.e., sharing via social media).

I don’t necessarily think this is a bad thing.  It’s part of the process.  The additions to my Pinterest Beauty Board this month have been powerful stuff.  Here are some highlights:

– This fantastic Gabourney Sidibe picture and quote

– Stacie Stine’s post about UNT’s Cinderella Project (with pictures featuring two of my beautiful RAs and one of my beautiful residents…excuse me while I have a proud aunt moment…and get this piece of dust out of my eye…)

– Ritz’s post about your worth being a constant, not something that ebbs and flows with what people (even you) consider “better.”

– Pam Hogeweide’s love letter to her body

I meant to read some books this month.  That didn’t happen.  But they are close to the top of the to-read-next pile, so maybe next month.

Two personal moments of beauty stick out to me:

Image

This is me in front of the charming painted window of Blue River Books in Oklahoma.  My friend Jaan took this picture and emailed it to me with the caption “Cute.” I am fighting the urge to argue with that caption. I am fighting the urge to pick the picture apart or deflect your attention from me to the window (look how charming!).  I am fighting it, and I am going to win, because one thing I want to learn about beauty this year is how to find it in the place I already am. I no longer want to insist that something be finished or perfect before I can see beauty there.  I want to see beauty in the present and in the process.  So I am posting at least one picture of myself a month.  I am going to put my face (and in most cases, also my body) on it and label it “beauty.”

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I attended the IF: Gathering in Austin a couple of weeks ago and stayed with some Story Sessions sisters at a ranch house in Dripping Springs. Mary greeted us on the way in. Although I am not making it to church as often as I’d like (funny how 3-4 years of not attending services regularly weaves its way into your routine), I am already sensing a change in my spirit.  in previous years, I would have driven by the statue with a “That’s…nice.” This year, though. This year is different. With one look at Mary, the peace of community and covering (you know, the nice prayer-y kind, not the do-what-we-say-or-else kind) set into my bones. This peace pervaded the entire weekend for me – through the triggery worship (my issue, not theirs, to be clear) and conflict and epiphanies.  The one who brought the Prince of Peace into the world kept bringing him into my weekend.  I am new to this, so I’m not sure if that’s how icons are even supposed to work, but I am so thankful.

I’m linking up with Amy Young – join us over there to see how others’ one-word journeys are going!

Posted in Beauty | 8 Comments »

I Choose Them

February 17, 2014 by Suzanne

Disclaimer: Yes, this was inspired by a real-life conversation.  If you were there, you know it, because I wasn’t subtle.  Nothing here will identify you, nor will it offend you, because it’s so much nicer than what I said to your face.  All others, if this post offends you because you feel that, in some theoretical way, it could be directed at you, maybe take it up with Jesus. Maybe talk to him (or a licensed professional, if you prefer) about why it could have been directed at you.

If you say something racist within earshot of me, I consider it my business.  I will confront you.  Even if you weren’t talking to me at the time. Even if I don’t know you. I will do my best not to embarrass you, because shame is a lousy motivator, but I will address it.

I will confront you, just like I expect you to confront me when necessary, because I am not perfect and need to be confronted sometimes.

It’s not that I think I’m better than you.  This is not image management; I’m not trying to look smart or culturally sensitive.  I’m not even really trying to teach you something, although in the best case scenario, we would both come away from the experience having learned from it.

It’s just that it is my business.

Racist speech inevitably draws a line, dividing the whole of humanity in two. It breaks the natural design of the universe. Our differences are meant to empower us and to give us voice. Racist speech corrupts this design and turns difference into a silencer. Your racist remarks draw a line and force me and everyone else around you to choose which side of the line we’re going to stand on. And lest the word “force” sounds like it’s some great burden, the truth is that my having a choice in this situation in the first place is a privilege afforded to me by my lily white skin.  The easy choice is to stay quiet and pretend that it doesn’t concern me, or to say that there’s nothing I can do, or to hide under the cloak of “no one needs me to speak on his or her behalf.”

But as a friend recently reminded me, I don’t have to make the easy choice.  So I choose to use my privilege in a different way.

When you draw that line in the sand between us and them, I choose them.

If you are a complete stranger, I choose them.

If you are my very own flesh and blood, I choose them.

If you are randomly wandering through my building at work, I choose them.

If you occupy any rung of the ladder at my workplace(s), even rungs that are far above me, I choose them.

If we are friends despite our having nothing in common, I choose them.

If we are friends because we have so much in common, I choose them.

If you are trying to get my attention because you want to date me, please note that this is the exact wrong kind of attention to get from me.  I choose them.

If I have shown interest in dating you, don’t expect my crush to silence my response, because I choose them.

Even if telling you that you’re wrong will cost me our relationship, I will still choose them.  If that’s going to break the deal, I’m going to go ahead and let it break (for a little while at least). My hope is that eventually you will cross over the line with me. My hope is that one day the line will be destroyed and diversity will be a place of celebration, not competition.

But if you draw that line in the sand, I will choose them.

 

Posted in Hope, Rants, Revolution | 4 Comments »

Stop

February 12, 2014 by Suzanne

This post was born in tonight’s Story Sessions Write-In. The question was “Where is he calling you to risk right now?”

My call to risk is not initially a do.

It’s a stop.

Maybe yours is, too. Feel free to fill in the bracketed space with things to lay aside that are specific to your need.

Stop [teaching more classes than you have time to teach.]

Stop [taking more classes than you have time to take.]

Stop bringing the job home with you. [Do not check the desk blog on the weekends.  Do.  Not.]

Stop [answering when part-timers phone or text on your day off.] You can’t control their urge to doubt themselves, but you can control your urge to reward their doubt.

Stop saying yes to everything that sounds like it might…

…maybe…

…could be a part of the big picture, for your big picture is so, so big, and the day is so, so short. Learn what yes sounds like when it is whispered to your spirit instead of manipulating it to sound true when it is spoken aloud.

Stop insisting on keeping traditions that you no longer have enough help to keep. Today is not the same as yesterday.  The good news is that it is also not the same as tomorrow.

Stop talking about how angry you are that you don’t have time.  Use that energy to create time instead.

Stop.  Abide.

And then get ready to embrace.

Posted in Story Sessions | 2 Comments »

What I’m Into – January 2014

February 4, 2014 by Suzanne

This month January was fast.  I just don’t know where it went.

The semester started, and then it just took off.  I only have the one class this semester, so it seems like a year goes by between teaching days.

I made resolutions and chose my one word.

I started Story 101, and you’re going to hear a lot about that.  Yes.  Even more than you already have.  It seems that every other post is from a prompt from the class.  If you haven’t taken it, go ahead and follow the hyperlink above, because the spring session starts soon, and you don’t want to miss out!

Here are some other things I’m into:

To write:

I had the honor of guest posting as part of Preston Yancey’s series on what women want from the church.  That was scary and also fun.

I worked on some of my WIP, but not as much as I planned.  Other than the guest post (which I actually wrote in December), it’s been a bit of a blah writing month.

To read:

It has also been a light reading month.  I have been reading books on writing for the ecourse, and so far, May Sarton’s Journal of a Solitude has been my favorite.

To watch:

Ah, the reason that writing and reading have gone the way of the VCR this month…

My habits clearly think we’re still on holiday, because I’ve been watching way more TV than I usually do.  I got several seasons of Friends from Michelle and Steve for Christmas, so I have been reliving happy times.  That scene in The One With The Blackout where Ross gets attacked by the cat while the group is inside singing Top of the World?  I still laugh just as hard now as when I first saw it.  That’s just good TV. And nostalgia has not changed my unpopular position – I just don’t give a flying fig about Ross and Rachel’s relationship.  I know I’m supposed to care deeply, but I do not.

Parks and Recreation – I don’t want to talk about it.  I just want to let it know that I saw what it did. *stern face*

Community – I’ll talk about that. Nathan Fillion, how are you so adorable? Okay, that’s pretty much all I had to say on the subject.

As far as movies go, I went to see Frozen again, and this time I took my sister.  I love this movie.  I’m pretty critical of Disney, and I still have a couple of it-might-have-been-nice-ifs, but overall, I love it.  I even have a post planned to discuss the depths of my love for this movie, and that doesn’t happen very often.  It’s rare that I am able to invest in characters so quickly.

To hear:

I really love this song:

It makes me miss tango.  I’ve been feeling dance-y lately and listening to a lot of this-would-be-a-good-tango-song songs.

To taste:

Most of my meals lately have been odd combinations of frozen holiday leftovers. The most memorable was the taco roast-kale-Parmesan quesadillas.

I also made a pretty fantastic batch of Burgundy Beef after I had a glass of a disappointing wine.  It certainly redeemed itself in the dish.

My favorite thing I made all month, though,were my vanilla coconut waffles.  I could eat these every morning for the rest of my life.

So that’s my month.  I’m linking up with Leigh Kramer, so hop on over there to see what everyone else is into!

Posted in Books, Food, Story Sessions, TV, What I'm Into, Writing | 3 Comments »

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