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Unraveled

Another year wrapped up. If I had written this post a couple of days ago, it may have been a different, more hopeful post. But I put it off until tonight, so you get me at a discouraged point instead. My Southern upbringing wants me to offer an apology for this, but that doesn’t feel quite right. I am where I am, and that’s okay.

I wish I had a nice, tidy bow to tie everything up with, but the truth is that 2019 kicked my ass. I was going to figure out so many things and be in a better place, and I’m not sure that happened. Sure, I’ve learned some things and worked really hard and made some progress. But I still don’t know what I want to do. Even the things I thought might be interesting at the first of the year have lost some appeal. At this point, I’m just applying for jobs that pay more because if I’m going to do something boring that I have no passion for, at the very least it can be one job that pays all the bills and lets me plan for a good retirement to look forward to. And as for changing my luck in love? Ahahahaha. I’m more convinced than ever that some people just don’t get to be loved, and I’m probably one of them. Loving other people isn’t the hard part. It’s finding someone who loves me back that’s tricky. Do these people even exist? If so, where are they? I’m clearly haven’t thought to look there.

I did meet my original goal of reading 100 books, so I have that going for me.

Actually, that’s not all I have to show for the year. It may have run me over, but I fought back. Relentlessly. I kept going out with people and letting myself feel things despite the 100% failure rate of all my dating/interest efforts. I applied for a better job within my department even though it has demonstrated time and again how little it values what I bring to the table (and continued to demonstrate this by not even extending me an interview). I have embraced the role of the greater fool who keeps showing up and doing all the things, hoping against hope that someday I will be able to say that all this effort has not been in vain.

Someday.

I still have hope. So I’m going to go to sleep (eventually – I had a lot of coffee today) and wake up and start again…again. Maybe I’ll find what I’m hoping for soon.

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I’ve been needing an extra dose of both kindness and grace (both in remembering to give them and also in wanting to receive them) lately, so it makes sense that these five items stuck out to me over the last few weeks.

  1. I often find both in Haruki Murakami’s work. This musing over how he writes women was intriguing to me. Favorite quote – “The narrator of ‘Sleep’ was the first woman in fiction I could truly recognize as a person.”
  2. I can’t verify the journalistic prowess of Daily Live Online, but even if this story is totally parabolic, it still makes a nice point.
  3. THE BABIES IN THE MR. ROGERS SWEATERS. I just don’t have enough hearts to love this as completely as it deserves.
  4. An interpretation of the Mary and Martha story that doesn’t make me want to punch Jesus in the throat (sorry, Jesus, but…you’re familiar with me. You know.).
  5. I love Jenny Lawson so much. So proud (is it weird to be proud of someone you’ve never actually met?) of how she handled this.

Tell me kindness stories. What have you noticed this week?

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Sometimes I start longhand.

Andi Cumbo-Floyd’s second volume of Love Letters to Writers comes out on November 19, and I’ve had the privilege of reading an advance copy. I’m also reading/listening to Lauren Graham’s Talking as Fast as I Can and not participating in NaNoWriMo this month but living vicariously through others who are. So I’m doing a lot of reading and thinking about writing but not actually doing a lot of writing (well, not the creative kind that I like to do, anyway).

As reading about writing usually does, though, today’s selections have ganged up on me to remind me of why I miss NaNoWriMo when I don’t participate. It’s not the goal itself (although that’s a fun challenge) but rather the daily practice.

I balked at the write-every-day rule for a long time because I had a rigid idea of what that looked like.But what these two books and the reminder of what a month of intense word count goals can do for my writing have conspired to teach me is that writing every day is more about consistency than anything else.

I could use some more consistency in my creative writing practice.

I’m not going to try to start late and catch up for NaNoWriMo (although that would be entertaining). Instead, I’m going to set a measurable goal, just like we do every Monday in Andi’s online writing group, of setting a time aside for creative writing every day for the rest of the year. Lauren Graham outlines Don Roos’s Kitchen Timer method for doing so, and I’m going to borrow some of that structure to help with the goal.

  1. Every Sunday night, I am setting specific times to write every day and putting them on my calendar, just like any other appointment. I am also going to keep in mind that 15 minutes is longer than I’ve written most days this year, so if that’s the time I have some days, that’s the time I have, and that’s okay.
  2. During each writing appointment, I have exactly two things open. A current creative project I’m working on and my journal.
  3. The rules:
    * No internet
    * No music with words
    * No sudden spurt of cleaning or organizing
  4. Spend every minute set aside writing. If I get stuck on the project, I can switch to the journal.
  5. When time is up, it’s up. This is the part that I’ve skipped in the past, and I think that was a mistake. It felt good to go on in the moment when I was on a roll, but it also helped me justify skipping the next day (or two or three). Then I got out of the habit of writing daily. But I’m going to honor the rest of my schedule by ending my appointment when it’s scheduled to end.
  6. Monitor progress, but don’t let it prevent future progress. If I miss a day, I need to not dwell on it. If I only write 15 minutes a day for two weeks, I need to take the “only” out of that sentence. I tend to take myself less seriously as a writer if I don’t feel like I’ve spent enough time on it (whatever that means to me at the time). The truth is, though, that many authors have written whole books in the 15 minutes a day that all their children were asleep at once. There’s no reason that time frame can’t also work for me.

If you were to thumb through my handwritten journal, you’d find a motley array of scribbles – blog ideas, story outlines, bad poetry (all my poetry is bad at first), floor plan sketches, recipe ideas, daydreams about how my ideal job would look, etc. Knowing it’s there as an option takes away some of the resistance to a set writing time that I often feel.

I think that fighting that resistance is going to be key. Keeping my writing appointment every day can answer that annoying voice that tells me I don’t care enough about writing to make it a priority. Overcoming that voice (with the occasional assistance of CBD gummies and a qualified professional) can help me fight the anxiety that stifles the creativity I need to work toward developing more focus on my projects.

Definitely looking forward to that.

I have posted these sentiments before (some of them, a direct copy and paste). Unfortunately, here is one more occasion where it’s necessary to say it again. The tl;dr of the article – UNT’s assistant general counsel, as part of a presentation entitled “When Hate Comes to Campus,” used her platform as a representative of the university speaking on freedom of speech to drop the n-word in her statements.

*sigh*

First, this is an excellent example of how we talk (and talk and talk and omg the talking) about how we are such an inclusive campus, but then things like this happen. How many of our students, staff, and faculty are actually surprised by it? And will there be consequences for this behavior? And if not, will anyone find that surprising?

I hope that there are consequences (specifically, I hope she at least has the good sense to resign or, if she refuses to do so, the university fires her). I know she can self-censor, because she seemed to have no problem doing so in other parts of her presentation. Contrary to what Sewell states, it is indeed possible to talk about the First Amendment without saying horrible things and using hateful language.

Observe:

The First Amendment, truncated for our purposes (but you can read the whole thing here if you want) states, “Congress shall make no law…abridging the freedom of speech.”

That is the entirety of what the First Amendment in the Bill of Rights guarantees you as a citizen regarding freedom of speech.  With very few exceptions, you can say what you want to say, and it is not against the law.

It protects you from being arrested for speaking your mind.  That would be a violation of your rights.

It protects you from being imprisoned for what you say.  That would be a violation of your rights.

It protects you from legal ramifications.  I suppose, of course, that a person or company could sue you, but, provided that what you said cannot be proven to be libel or slander (examples of those exceptions I mentioned), they would not win unless you have a stunningly incompetent lawyer, because for them to win such a case would be a violation of your rights.

Now let’s discuss some things from which it does not protect you.

It does not protect you from people disagreeing with you and saying so.  That’s just other people exercising their freedom of speech. When preachers show up on the streets lining our campus and people gather and respond in protest of the hateful things they say, that is freedom of speech in action.

It does not protect you from criticism.  Again, that’s just other people having the same rights as you do. See above.

It does not protect you from a professor dismissing you from class when you say something disrespectful or otherwise inappropriate, and the professor gets to decide what is appropriate and what is not, because professors are the ones who are responsible for what happens in their classrooms.

It should not be used to protect a professor or staff member – at any level, to be sure, but particularly those who hold positions of power and thus are inherently tasked with the ethical responsibility of setting the best example – who allows or fosters speech that dehumanizes students or coworkers, because they should be held responsible for what happens on their watch, particularly the things that come out of their own personal mouths.

The Constitution of the United States does not protect you from being reprimanded, suspended, or even fired when you say something that opposes the values of your employer, especially if you are dumb enough to say it at work, in a highly public forum (for example, from behind a podium during a university-sanctioned event), or while being recorded and/or reported.  That you have “never said it in public before” (I…just…omg…so when do you say it, Sewell? What are they teaching in law school, because clearly it’s not how to avoid shoving your foot completely down your throat, which I would think would be a pretty big part of any legal career) is not a defense (also…maybe don’t defend the terrible things you say. At all. Not even a little bit. Maybe just concede that you made a mistake. That’s step one.).

At any rate, having the organization denounce your behavior (at minimum) or fire you when you say things that are in direct opposition to the values the organization claims to hold is not a violation of your rights.  That is your employer being true to the values to which they have committed, regardless of what it might cost them. That is your employer exhibiting integrity, and their response to your behavior is called a consequence, not a violation of your rights.

That is what I want to see from UNT.

Edited to add the university’s official statement made this afternoon:

As many of you are likely aware, UNT System Assistant General Counsel Caitlin Sewell used a racial epithet on Nov. 7 during the “When Hate Comes to Campus” panel discussion on the UNT Campus in Denton. As leaders of the University of North Texas System and the University of North Texas, we are very aware of the impact Ms. Sewell’s comments have had on our community, and we approach the situation with regret and determination.

We strongly believe in a culture that embraces, and vehemently defends, inclusion. While Ms. Sewell was trying to make a point about First Amendment speech, the references used are never condoned in our community, which prides itself on our diversity and caring nature.  

This morning, Ms. Sewell submitted her resignation effective immediately.

In the coming days and weeks, it is our intention to engage in a dialogue with student and campus leaders regarding ways we can continue to foster a culture of diversity that is UNT. In the meantime, UNT counseling resources are available for all students, faculty, and staff.

Lesa Roe
UNT System Chancellor       

Neal Smatresk
UNT President

Day 8 – Reboot

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Who’s super excited about my Costco haul? *crickets* Just me? Yeah.

So listen.

I’ve hit a bit of a wall with this series. That’s how these things go sometimes. And instead of just quitting, as I’m prone to do, I’m going to adapt. This year, I have learned that a big part of what we often think of as luck is really just knowing when to be flexible and when to stick to a plan.

I am great at the latter. Until it’s not so great anymore. I need more work with the flexibility part. So I’m gonna work on it this month.

I’m throwing out my weekly plan.

If you could see my face right now you’d know how much relief I feel just typing that.

Blogging is a good place for me to flex my flexibility muscles. I post sporadically because overall, I’m not really trying to accomplish anything with a deadline here. When those of us in my online writing group discuss blogging and why we do it, my answer is usually something like, “It gives me a chance to make sure I’m separating my voice and what I’m thinking from the voices of the characters I’m writing.”

It’s also something a former therapist recommended as potentially helpful, particularly on days when face-to-face socializing isn’t something that seems possible. It’s a hybrid. I can say what I want and get occasional feedback, but I can also leave the moment I need to do so. I can reach out but from behind a protective barrier.

So I’m still going to write about making my own luck, but I’m going to wing it. Because sometimes, that’s when luck shows up.

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My plans are often quite colorful

It’s hard to feel lucky when my food choices only make me feel like napping. Making good choices that fuel my body and that I actually enjoy eating is an important component of my overall well being.

One thing I’m pretty successful at doing is bringing food to work with me most days. I have my meal planning system to thank for this. Even when I don’t do it exactly as I mapped it out in another 31 days series three years ago, I still use most of the tools I have put in place to make sure that I am eating well.

One of the main points of my meal planning series was that a system that does not fit practically into your own life is not going to work, no matter how beautifully it works for anyone else. Many of us have at least a minor chasm between our ideal and our real. So there are opportunities to tweak it. As for me and my house, we employ a lot of shortcuts:

  • While I believe in my heart that dried beans, soaked and slow cooked to perfection, are far superior, I also believe in keeping canned beans for days when I have no slow-cooked beans but want to add them to a meal.
  • While I understand that chicken is not hard to make, I also understand that a rotisserie chicken from the deli or even canned chicken is even easier.
  • While I get the concept of buying a larger size for economy’s sake, I only buy milk in pints, because I only occasionally use it in sauces, and the larger size is in no way economical if I have to pour most of it down the drain after it’s gone sour.

I also know that my life is busy. Ultimately, I might feel luckier/more at peace if I had more time to breathe and slow cook those beans or a whole weekend afternoon to meal prep for the week. That’s the ideal. But the reality is that right now I have two jobs and a fairly active social life, and I like all of it (or at least I like the payoff of doing all of it), so I’m not really looking to ditch large portions of my schedule at this moment. So I also need quick options that I can assemble from start to finish in 20 minutes or less so that I don’t drive through Taco Cabana every night:

  •  Fruit, cheese, crackers, raw veggies, and maybe salami or prosciutto for an impromptu antipasti plate
  • Eggs for a quick frittata or a protein addition on top of rice, pasta, or potatoes
  • A selection of frozen vegetables – no chopping, quick steam
  • Frozen meal-in-a-bag (Bertolli’s is my favorite)

What are some of the ways you get the fuel you need to make it through your day?

 

I’m writing about practical ways of creating luck this month.

Day 6 – Lucky at Home

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I will use anything as a centerpiece.

In my 31 Days outline, I have this day marked as “Domestic,” which makes me laugh, because I am no one to be giving domestic advice. I mean, I was raised to know a lot of things about how to keep a household running really well (seriously – you could eat off my mom’s floors when we were growing up), so I can share that. But in the interest of honesty? Half my kitchen is on my dining table right now. I’ve been going through cabinets and getting rid of things, and it has been s.l.o.w. Also, I haven’t swept in three weeks. A dust bunny in front of my TV mocks me every time I sit down, and I do not care. So if you came here for tips on keeping a house perfect, you are going to be disappointed.

What I can give you this week is how I run my home so that it supports my life. Because that’s the important thing, right?

(some days I’m glad my mother does not have the internet)

Specifically, this week will be mostly about how I stay reasonably well fed and keep my home neat enough that I can find things. I occasionally even create little spots that make home seem more inviting or cozy. When I do these three things, other areas in my life seem to fall into place more easily.

If you are reading this and have gotten this far in life, you probably have these skills down to some extent. If you are like me, though, there are weeks that are better than others. Maybe you’ll find something here that can help, or maybe you have something to offer to help. Either way, we’re going to explore how a life of luck can start at home.

 

I’m writing for 31 days about creating luck. 

 

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A somewhat jarring but often necessary start to the workday

Being on time is problematic. I’m good at time management once I’m at a place but getting there in a timely fashion is always a challenge – a challenge I usually don’t win. This is confusing to people who experience me as focused and efficient – it doesn’t seem to fit. Their reasoning is understandable. But getting there and being there are two different animals

Especially in the morning. No matter how early I set my alarm (which I usually don’t need to actually wake up the first time because I wake up before it goes off) or how many alarms I set (see above), the actual act of getting out of bed is hardly ever as easy as I expect it to be. Mornings when this early wake-up is 5 minutes are good, though. I can usually get through my morning routine generally as planned and make it out the door at a reasonable time.

The wake-up is a wild animal, though. Easily spooked and quick to lash out if it perceives threat, either real or imaginary.

If I wake up more than 15 minutes early, it’s usually in a panic. My brain somehow knows that time is wrong and immediately registers consciousness as a defense mechanism. It takes a while just to escape being practically immobilized by my consuming concern about what Very Important Thing I must be forgetting. So I either have a panic attack or shut down and fall back to sleep (which really? Just a lazy panic attack. It doesn’t always look the same), and it takes a few very annoying alarms to jolt me to action.

At this current moment, I recognize, as I’m sitting safely and cozily in my favorite coffee shop in the daylight as a light rain falls outside, that I’m never actually  forgetting a very important thing. But my brain seldom seems to grasp that in the morning. It can’t. Anxiety won’t let it. Anxiety’s job is to keep me ever vigilant about the myriad of ways I could (and probably am going to) ruin everything. Anxiety is a liar but it sounds so reasonable when it speaks that it’s hard to remember what it really is. And it knows I’m not a morning person, so that’s when it likes to attack.

Anxiety is an asshole. And it’s the very worst kind of asshole – the kind that tells you that the horrible things it says are for your own good or because it knows what’s best for you. But it doesn’t know what’s best for me. It’s lying.

In the evening, anxiety is more social. I’m not just failing at my to-do list. I’m also a failure at relationships. Why else would everyone leave? If I dare to declare to anxiety that their choices are not about me at all, anxiety is quick to reply, “But wouldn’t they be – at least a little bit – if you were worth considering?” This anxiety is the meanest liar of all.

So social occasions, especially ones that are relatively new to me or are unique, standalone events, almost always start with convincing myself that it matters to anyone there whether or not I show up. Does my presence actually add anything to the situation? I honestly don’t know. This is one of the reasons it’s best if I go to events with another person. If someone is depending on me to accompany them, it’s so much easier to roll my eyes at anxiety and dismiss its taunts.

I have a few friends who recognize the times I show up late after I’ve gone a few rounds with anxiety. I may look calm but I am often still buzzing right below the surface. I’m always exhausted but I won. I may be compensating with cheerleader mode where I flit through and get right to my seat or desk or say something that I hope doesn’t sound super rehearsed (it is).

On particularly bad days, the residual tunnel vision may still be in place, making eye contact and small talk excruciating. The gift these friends give me is a few moments. Just enough of a pause to give my eyes time to drag up to theirs where I can see that they’re not mad or disappointed. They really are happy to see me. This feels good, and I’m grateful for it.

It makes me feel lucky.

 

I’m writing about making my own luck for 31 days. See the master list here.

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So it’s not really Friday. I get that. But it’s the post that was meant for Friday, so here we are. One goal of a 31-day series is to get back in the habit of writing every day (or, rather, writing something other than for work). It’s a process.

To finish out the week of talking about tools I use to help me keep my life on track, I want to mention apps that I use to keep up with goal progression. I love making resolutions, but for most of my life, I would make them and then promptly forget about them. I think a lot of people have that experience. When I started tracking my goals, though, I had more success. Here are five of my favorite ways to track my goals:

  1. Club Pilates app – I know. Again I’m talking about it. I just love it. And now that I have a new phone that actually supports the app, I can track a lot of my health goals as well as schedule and keep track of my classes. Every smartphone comes with a health app, though, so even if you don’t go to Club Pilates, you can still have an easy way to track just about any health goal you have.
  2. Goodreads – I started with a goal of 100 books for the year. Then I extended it to 120. No matter how small or big your reading goal, though, you can track it with Goodreads. I also get a lot of recommendations from friends on this site/app.
  3. Spreadsheet – Looking at a long-term goal can be daunting. It’s important to break down resolutions into smaller goals. To this end, I keep a monthly spreadsheet that tracks daily progress toward goals. I broke my five resolutions into ten smaller goals, and I set a monthly goal for each. Then I tally each day that I reach part of the goal. For those of you who like to bullet journal, this can be not only helpful but cathartic.
  4. Fetch – I’m not sure how long Fetch has been around, but I love it. If you can’t tell, point systems really work for me. For the last few years, I have wanted to cook more at home and make better food choices. But if I don’t have groceries at my house, it’s not happening. Fetch rewards me for buying groceries. I’ve been using it for three weeks and just like magic, I have food in my house. I’m also more than 75% toward my first $10 reward. I do enjoy free things, and free things that help me meet my goals? Double bonus.
  5. Art journal – Different people use art journaling for different reasons. When one of your goals is to pursue creative expression more often, however, it can be a way of showing the progress of that goal. My art journal is a collection of collages, found and blackout poetry, stained-glass-style doodles, and song lyrics I want to set to a melody at some point (yes! I’m excited about it, too.). I have a pretty broad range for what I consider creative pursuits, but I track most of them by art journaling about them.

Do you make goals? If so, how do you keep track of your progress?

 

I’m talking about making my own luck this month.

Day 3 – Rituals

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I don’t make good choices if my phone is near, so I have an old school alarm clock.

I am not a morning person. I don’t fall asleep easily before 1:00 a.m., no matter how busy the day has been. This means I don’t wake up super early. I don’t seem to need as much sleep as other people do (I do pretty well on 6 hours a night), but I’m not sure if this is really a thing (requiring less sleep than other humans) or if I’m secretly exhausted and just don’t know any better.

Unfortunately, I have a job that requires me to be awake and at least a little productive by 8:30 a.m., so I’ve had to learn to fake it as a person who functions in the morning at least enough to show up to said job fully dressed and vertical.

The best way to fake it is to have a morning ritual that prepares me physically and mentally for the day.

There are a lot of suggestions on the intrawebs for making mornings go more smoothly. There’s even one that suggests that such suggestions can bring me joy. That seems a lofty goal for an a.m. time that starts with a number smaller than 11, but I appreciate the optimism.

My weekday morning ritual is designed to get me moving, motivated, and out the door. I start with about 10 minutes of stretching. I try to clear my mind of anything but how the muscles feel and how I’m breathing during this time. At this point, I am usually still in bed, so I look for a reason to get up. I try to think of the thing I’m most looking forward to that day. Once I’m up, I can get ready pretty quickly. I shower in the mornings, even if I showered the night before, because it wakes me up. I fill up my water bottle and grab my lunch before I leave.

How quickly I get out the door in the mornings is partially dependent on the success of my bedtime routine. It takes longer to grab a lunch, for example, that I have not yet packaged into portable containers. Showers are quicker if I washed my hair the night before. If the last load of laundry is still in the dryer, I will have to wait until it tumbles a bit to knock the wrinkles out of that skirt I inevitably need in order to get dressed.

Having patterns and routines helps me manage a busy schedule. It also provides a safe shore to swim toward if I wake up badly or if I can’t seem to get to sleep on time.

What do you need to get your day started or wind down?

 

I’m writing about creating my own luck this month. See the anchor post here.