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Day 6 – Find Color

December 9, 2020 by Suzanne

“Color is my day-long obsession, joy, and torment” – Claude Monet

I bought myself this painting on my 34th birthday. It’s super simple, and I’m not sure how well you can tell here, but the colors are bold and bright, and the flowers that look like etching are actually embroidery that the artist painted over. I had been eyeing it at my favorite local coffee shop at the time (RIP, Art 6) for a while, and when I went in for my celebratory fluffy drink, on a whim, I looked at the price. I expected it to be out of my price range but it wasn’t. So instead of just picking up an And She Snickers with an extra shot of espresso, I picked up a painting, too.

I brought it home and hung it immediately.

I have never considered myself a particularly visual person, but being a bit more isolated than usual for most of this year, I have been noticing how much my mood is helped by little pops of color. The most colorful room in my apartment is my office/library, and it also seems to be the room where I am the happiest. One might assume this is because I am surrounded by books, and while it’s true that that is very much what I imagine Heaven must be like, the abundance of color also has something to do with it.

(ignore the mess – observe the cuteness)

When someone asks what my favorite color is, I never have a real answer. I will say something like, “Today, it’s red,” because I like the way the shirt they’re wearing gives their skin a warm glow. Or I’ll point to something multi-colored and say, “Probably one of those.” I like all the colors, and while I have distinct preferences about where I like some colors (e.g., no yellow near my face, please – it makes me look like I’m dying), there’s no color that I absolutely detest. I find bright and deep, bold colors especially invigorating.

Especially joyful.

I’m writing about chasing joy for the 31 days of December. Click here to see the whole list.

Posted in 31 Days, Beauty, Joy | Leave a Comment »

Day 5 – Make Something

December 8, 2020 by Suzanne

“Beauty is whatever gives joy.” – Edna St. Vincent Millay

I have been a knitter for years, but it has taken on a life of its own during this pandemic. My knitting has become like my writing in that I have several projects started (at least one for each room of the apartment, because God forbid I actually move them with me when I change spaces). I am about a third of the way through a blanket for a friend and almost halfway through a box sweater that matches the cozy aesthetic I long to cultivate.

The glorious and hideous thing you see above is a patchwork blanket I’ve been making by knitting remnants of yarn and then piecing them together. It was just going to be a lap throw, but I significantly underestimated the sheer volume of yarn that I had that was too much to throw away but not enough to really make anything. So it just keeps growing. I wore it around my shoulders during my morning check-in with my supervisor who then insisted that it needed to make an appearance at the staff meeting later that day. It’s now the official home office blanket.

Creating something almost always brings me joy. Even if it doesn’t turn out as I planned, the creative process itself energizes me. While it’s not necessarily a cure-all for my frequent funks, it does seem to help me come up for air a bit. I guess that’s what joy is supposed to do. It’s a little light to see by.

I’m writing about chasing joy for the 31 days of December. Click here to see the whole list.

Posted in 31 Days, Beauty, Joy | 1 Comment »

Day 4 – Play With Animals

December 4, 2020 by Suzanne

“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.” – Colette

I had a hard time narrowing down pictures for these posts. I have so many animal friends, and we loooooove each other. If they could read, I would give each one of them a shoutout. As they cannot, please just give your animals a pet from me and tell them that I love them.

One of the best joys of visiting the farm is seeing Lola and Jake.

Lola moved to the farm about a decade ago. She was living with friends in Denton, but she kept getting out and they were afraid they’d turn around to wrangle the toddler and she’d turn up missing (or worse). So this best girl came home with me one holiday and fell in love with the farm and Mom and Dad and never left (good thing this was the plan because she refused to get back in the car). Growing up, we were not allowed to bring pets inside. Today, Lola has her own bed indoors and gets her own personal egg cooked to her taste. She goes outside every time Mom does (which is often when the weather is warm), and I like knowing that Lola is watching out for her.

This fall, Jake joined the family. He showed up as a stray, but it’s clear that he’s been around people. Usually when this happens, Dad will call around to the neighbors to see if anyone is missing a dog. When I asked what the neighbors said when he called, his non-answer was “I named him Jake.” He then proceeded to laugh so hard he started wheezing as he told me that he chose the name because Jake from State Farm wears khakis…and the dog has khaki spots. (My dad is super cute) I did finally confirm that he had called the closest neighbors and found out that Jake had been to visit them, too, but they couldn’t find anyone who was missing him. So I’m only about 89% certain that my parents haven’t stolen someone else’s dog, but too late – he lives there now. He does not have frequent indoor privileges – Lola needs a break every once in a while – but he loves his backyard and his own special bed on top of (not inside it – the little weirdo) the dog house.

Spending time with animal friends is calming. I am allergic, and I just don’t care. I can take a Claritin. The mood boost and the joy they bring is worth a few sneezes.

I’m writing about chasing joy for the 31 days of December. Click here to see the whole list.

Posted in 31 Days, Joy | Leave a Comment »

Day 3 – Go Outside

December 3, 2020 by Suzanne

“Let the beauty of sunrise keep your heart warm.” – Lailah Gifty Akita

This is my favorite place in the world to watch the sunrise. The west Texas sky is so broad and vast. I imagine the sky is like that everywhere, but on the Texas plains, you can see actually see it.

I was home to check in on the folks at Thanksgiving. After a few weeks of more intense isolation than usual and an intense COVID-19 test (negative), I got to see Mom and Dad in 3D. We ate a lot of good food, watched a lot of westerns and football, and spent some time outside.

I grew up in a house next to 100+ acres of farmland and a small canyon behind it. We didn’t explore much without Dad close by (wild hogs are not to be trifled with), but we would venture down often enough to know our way around.

I am fond of the indoors. I like air conditioning and being able to sit without my hair constantly blowing into my face and breathing air relatively free of allergens. I am hyper-sensitive to touch and sound and there’s a lot of both outside. Playing outside is good for children, though, so we spent a lot of our childhood in the backyard. Sometimes, Mom would actually lock us out (which is something you can do when you have a huge back window where you can see everything and you live in the middle of nowhere with dogs that are happy to alert you if anything or anyone approaches).

I staged my silent protest by sneaking a book out and reading it on the swing.

Tactile and auditory irritants aside, sometimes I miss being able to walk outside and automatically be in nature in my backyard. To watch a sunrise in peace. To listen to the windchimes sing. To stare at the moon and stars without having to maneuver around buildings.

Any time I need a little touch of joy, I go find some sky.

I’m writing about chasing joy for the 31 days of December. Click here to see the whole list.

Posted in 31 Days, Joy | Leave a Comment »

Day Two – Books

December 1, 2020 by Suzanne

“A book, too, can be a star, a living fire to lighten the darkness, leading out into the expanding universe.” – Madeleine L’Engle

I hope it’s no surprise by this point that I love to read. I easily spend 10-15 hours a week doing so. People often ask how I manage to read so many books. That’s how. There’s no trick. Just time.

Well, ok. There are a couple of tricks. I listen to audiobooks when I’m driving or when I’m doing something with my hands that doesn’t require a lot of concentration, such as knitting or folding laundry. I didn’t used to like audiobooks, but this year, I have really embraced them. I didn’t really enjoy being read to before, but now I find it soothing. I also read poetry quite a bit, and while I read poems more slowly than prose, the volumes tend to be shorter with fewer words on the page, so technically I finish these books more quickly.

I make a lofty goal to read a certain number of books every year, and while I rarely reach that particular number, just having it in mind inspires me to read more each year than I did the year before. So far this year, I’ve read 81 books (that I’ve remembered to track on Goodreads), so I would need to read 39 this month to reach my goal of 120. Not likely. But with three mostly free weekends and two weeks off from my full-time job, I should be able to top my final total from last year (103) if I try.

Books are more than an escape. They open me up to new ideas and possibilities, which is particularly useful when my world is feeling small. They serve as warning, camaraderie, challenge, solidarity, empathy, and fun. They spark interest in obscure topics and show me the kind of writer I want (or sometimes don’t want) to be. They give me a peek into others’ lives and ways so that my view of the world doesn’t have to be limited to my own little corner of it.

They bring me joy.

Starting this month and through 2021, I am going to add at least one book a month to my TBR pile that has the word “joy” in the title. A book does not have to have the word in the title to be about chasing joy, of course, but this gives me a place to start. My first selection is a re-read of C.S. Lewis’s Surprised by Joy. It’s been a decade (maybe two?) since I first read it, so it will be interesting to see how my perspective has changed. I remember loving it.

I’m writing about chasing joy for the 31 days of December. Click here to see the whole list.

Posted in 31 Days, Books, Joy | 2 Comments »

31 Days of Joy – An Overview

December 1, 2020 by Suzanne

“Because in trying to articulate what, perhaps, joy is, it has occurred to me that among other things—the trees and the mushrooms have shown me this—joy is the mostly invisible, the underground union between us, you and me, which is, among other things, the great fact of our life and the lives of everyone and thing we love going away. If we sink a spoon into that fact, into the duff between us, we will find it teeming. It will look like all the books ever written. It will look like all the nerves in a body. We might call it sorrow, but we might call it a union, one that, once we notice it, once we bring it into the light, might become flower and food. Might be joy.” From The Book of Delights by Ross Gay

I choose a word for every year. This is the word I focus on for that year and look for ways to embody the word more or pay better attention to how it shows up in my life. Sometimes, the word of the year brings a lot of insight and I get a lot out of it (the year of wild). Sometimes, the word seems almost like a practical joke (*ahem* 2020’s “alive,” although even it has had its moments).

I almost always know what my word for the upcoming year is going to be by October or November, and this year is no exception. And, as per my usual, as soon as I know, I start noticing it when it shows up and thinking about it. But when I kept hearing “joy” this year, I felt disappointed. I am not feeling much joy these days. When something is challenging, though, I tend to take that as confirmation that it’s probably a thought or action worth pursuing, so I’m going to give it a chance.

I’m going to pursue joy.

What I have learned so far is that joy is indeed something I have to intentionally seek in order to find it. It’s not my first go-to. It’s not even my tenth go-to. I see patterns and connections really easily, so my gut reaction is typically “Let’s make a list of all the obstacles that could come up so that we’re prepared to deal with them” rather than “Oh happy opportunity!”

My hopeful suspicion is that joy is possible in both. From what I’ve seen and read (because of course I have) so far, it seems that joy doesn’t require the absence of hardship but rather can live right alongside it. So that’s good news.

To get a jumpstart on the year, I’m going to be posting 31 days of joy – how I find it, what it looks like to me, etc. I’ll keep a table of contents below for reference as I post each new ponderance, but I hope you’ll follow along and offer any insights you have to share. Enjoy!

Day 1 – Overview
Day 2 – Read Books
Day 3 – Go Outside
Day 4 – Play With Animals
Day 5 – Make Something
Day 6 – Find Color
Day 7 – Dance
Day 8 – Seek and Find
Day 9 – Make Comfort Food
Day 10 – Share Friday Fives
Day 11 – Rest
Day 12 – Anticipate

Posted in 31 Days, Joy, Resolutions | 2 Comments »

December Things

November 24, 2020 by Suzanne

The tree is officially up and plugged in. And that’s it. No decorations yet. Just twinkly lights. Happy.

Our small group on Monday night talks about the lesson for the next Sunday, so my appetite for Advent has been whetted. Although Advent is one of my favorite seasons, December is not usually my favorite month. It’s usually too busy. That is not the case this year, though. Events are either canceled or virtual, and I think most people have (more than usual) an attitude of just making it through to the other side.

Students have already started leaving for break, since UNT classes are going completely online for the rest of the semester. They’re welcome to stay here, but they also have the option to go home and stay with their families for the holiday season, and many have chosen to do so. Can’t say that I blame them.

This December, I have a little more time. Rather than add extra things to it (with the exception of a blog series – more on that next week), though, I’m going to focus on savoring things I enjoy.

Cozy mysteries (just re-read Publishable by Death by A. C. F. Bookens this weekend, and it was just as much fun the second time around).

The above-mentioned twinkly lights. Just staring into them. Also candlelight is nice. More sparkly-lit rooms, please.

Soups and toasted sandwiches.

Baked goods of just about any kind. Sweet, savory – I love (most of) them all.

Dancing. Stretching. Dancing again.

Playing old records while sipping warm beverages.

Practicing hope. Practicing love. Practicing joy.

Posted in Beauty, Books, Dance, Food, Joy, Music, Seasons, What I'm Into | Leave a Comment »

Friday Five – The Benefits of Isolation

November 12, 2020 by Suzanne

Books and mascots and dressing up for the intrawebs

That may be the most introvert-y title I’ve ever written.

In a lot of ways, this pandemic/work/socialize-from-home situation has been rough. My mental health is not its best self ever. Or, rather, it has been more work to take care of it. I don’t think prolonged isolation is good for anyone, and I’ve definitely had challenges that I expected as well as those I did not. I have needed to take many more precautions and call on more support than usual in order to function.

Other distinct pockets of my life have (dare I say it?) flourished. After the initial shock wore off (this is the theme, really), I have been able to adapt in several ways that sort of flow together but also are each their own separate issue:

  1. Reading – For a few months, I wasn’t able to concentrate to read at all. But now that I have at least an extra hour per night to add to my regular reading time that I was spending just driving from work and then to-and-from whatever meeting I had on that particular evening, I am reading about 100 pages a day. My reading goal took a hit from those missing months, but I may still read more books than I read last year.
  2. Productivity – Working from home makes me super efficient. Having more control over my work setting allows me to get through emails much more quickly, and I don’t feel rushed on phone calls. I miss my coworkers, of course, but my productivity (and thus my motivation) is thriving. We are closing one of our buildings at the end of the semester, and I was able to give significant help in getting those students moved over, and this would have been a lot harder/more stressful in the office.
  3. Sense of self – It’s been interesting to see the habits that have dropped off and stayed gone and the ones that I have either continued or picked up. I was surprised to see the things that I do, say, wear, etc., to make others more comfortable and things I do, say, wear, etc., to show up as who I really am. It will be interesting to see how (or if) I adjust back to old habits that I find stifling once I’m out in the public again most days.
  4. Consistency – Each month, I make myself a chart that has goals I want to focus on that month. It’s usually a mix of habits I want to build and the things I know I need to stay grounded and at peace. If you’ve been around here a while, you know my goals tend to be…lofty. But I’ve been meeting them better than usual. In fact, the last time I was this consistent with eating well, dancing, playing the keyboard, exercising, etc., was in my early to mid-twenties when I was performing regularly. While I’m not performing right now (well, not a lot – I do have a piece in the virtual SPIDERDEAD show tomorrow night), I am excited about how well I’ve been staying on track with things that are important to me.
  5. Creativity – All the others kinda lead in to this one. When I have the time (and the ability) to focus on what I want in life, my creativity thrives. I have so many project ideas, and I’ve been consistently writing toward my NaNoWriMo project. I also have a 31 days blog series coming up in December that I hope you will enjoy. I look forward to getting to collaborate with people again, but for now this will do.

I hope you are finding some moments of joy or clarity or focus or whatever you are needing right now.

Posted in 31 Days, Alive, Core, Dance, Fiction, Friday Five, Mental Health, Music, NaNoWriMo, Resolutions, Spiderweb, Work, Writing | Leave a Comment »

September TBR

September 4, 2020 by Suzanne

Part of the “currently reading” pile that isn’t strictly current

I often say that I read four or five books at a time, and that’s true. I usually have at least one fiction, one nonfiction, one audiobook, one ebook, and one book that falls into the category of “light reading” for when all the others I’m reading are too intense for my current mood (a common occurrence with me as I often choose things that lean a little heavy).

I also have a lot of books I’ve started and not finished. I eventually do finish them, but sometimes it literally takes years. So this month, I’m going to go back through my trusty Goodreads list that says I’m currently reading 40+ books (lol no) and try to finish the ones I still care about finishing and let the ones I don’t go.

The priority for my monthly reading agenda is always what I’m reading for book clubs:

The Wives by Tarryn Fisher (finished)
Dreaming the Eagle by Manda Scott
“Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?” and Other Conversations About Race by Bevery Daniel Tatum, PhD
How To Be an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi

I usually finish book club selections, but not always. Some months are really slow reading months for me.

Several books due back at the library soon (many part of that started-but-not-quite-finished Goodreads list):

When We Left Cuba by Chanel Cleeton
The Downstairs Girl by Stacey Lee
Big Summer by Jennifer Weiner
Climbing the Mango Trees by Madhur Jaffrey

So…suffice it to say I’m not going to run out of books to choose from. 

What are you reading, or what have you read lately that you recommend?

Posted in Books | 3 Comments »

How To Help Someone Else Unbreak Their Heart: Accept That You Probably Can’t

August 23, 2020 by Suzanne

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Coffee for two is my favorite (and most elusive) kind of coffee.

I’ve been posting snippets of a story project entitled “How To Unbreak Your Heart” on my writer page on Facebook. This has brought up thoughts about how people respond to those who are hurting. We’re not always great at it. We may say too much that’s not helpful, forcing someone who is already dealing with loneliness and the exhausting grief that comes with it to decide whether to make sure that we know our intention is appreciated while feeling utterly misunderstood or to be honest and risk being more misunderstood and rejected as a result. Or we, knowing that trying to say the right thing is such a fucking minefield, avoid it altogether and just hope everything turns out okay (you know, after they get past the extra alone feeling that comes with apparently having no one to talk to about it).

I don’t have all the answers. I don’t even have most of them. But I may have one.

When someone you care about is heartbroken, it’s natural to want to ease that for them. One way people have tried to do this for me is by telling me their own harried love stories of doing everything wrong and still getting the relationship, or stories of people who found love despite the odds against them. I’m certain it was meant to help me understand that such things are also possible for me.

It did not do this. Not in that particular moment.

You see, once upon a time, I loved a boy. He liked me just fine and for a moment thought maybe I was a possibility but chose someone else instead. I was dealing with it and would be doing okay(ish), but then I would see one of his posts about how happy she made him, and then I’d have a fresh wound to tend to. As someone who loved him, I loved seeing him happy. As someone who loved me, I hated that it was with someone else.

I felt really bad about feeling that way for a long time. I felt like a bad friend because I couldn’t just get over it. I felt like a failure when I followed friends’ advice to stop following him on social media – to stop seeing all his posts about how happy he was with someone else – in order to heal. I felt like more of a failure when doing so didn’t help me heal any faster. We lost touch, and I still regret the role I played in that. I still miss the great friendship we could have had.

Anyway, when I hear these stories, especially when I’m deep in the throes of loneliness, that’s what comes up for me. I imagine similar memories surface for other people who have been rejected a lot, too.

Does that mean I don’t want to hear about my friends’ happiness? Of course not. I love it when they share the great things going on in their lives, and I especially love seeing people who have experienced romantic deserts similar to my own finally find someone they adore who has the good sense to adore them, too. I’m thrilled for them. I even seek these stories out if I have just gotten back from a boring date or ended the fifth lackluster, going-nowhere online flirtation of the month as a reminder that trying to meet someone doesn’t always end up being a complete waste of time. And you better believe I’ll be posting some stories of my own should such a miraculous happenstance ever occur for me.

No matter how happy I am for friends who fall in love, though, these stories bring up other feelings, too. I can’t help but wonder how many broken hearts or dashed hopes their blissful union left in its wake. I’ll likely wonder the same even if in the future I post such things. People don’t always tell you when you hurt them, and it’s not the happy couple’s fault or something they could have even avoided, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. The pain still exists, and bombarding someone who confesses that they are having a rough time of it with stories of other people who got the love that they, too, deserve, is not an encouragement. It’s a cruelty.

I know it’s hard to know how to respond to this particular type of grief. There are so many ways to get it wrong and seemingly few ways to get it right. As a person with a lot of experience playing the role of the not-chosen in these scenarios, I have some tips to minimize the likelihood of messing it up.

Pay attention. Listen to what they say and acknowledge their feelings. Pain is uncomfortable, but my best, most trusted friends are the ones who accept my pain as valid without trying to minimize it or cheer me up. My friends can sit in some pain. It’s really quite extraordinary and really shows me how much they not only love me but respect me. Because on top of the pain, your friend may feel embarrassed or foolish about the situation and thus may think they don’t have a right to feel the way they do. But their pain isn’t wrong, and affirming that can be so helpful. When hurtful things happen, it’s reasonable and healthy to feel hurt. What’s not reasonable or healthy is trying to convince them they shouldn’t.

Stop with the advice. Just stop. First, your friend probably already has an ongoing feed in their head of “If I’d just done or said this, maybe things would have turned out differently.” None of those things are actually true (i.e., when someone loves you, it takes a lot to kill that love, and when they don’t, it’s not something they can be talked into), and the last thing they need at that moment is a parrot of their asshole inner critic. If you truly think you have some insight that you really must share, jot it down and tuck it away for later when they can receive it and thus actually benefit from it. The midst of their pain is not the time or place.

Second, I don’t care how smart you are – you can’t fix it.

Let me repeat.

You. Cannot. Fix. It.

The problem at hand is that they wanted and hoped to be with someone who chose not to be with them. Unless you are in the unique position of not only being that someone but also having the capacity and will to love and choose them back, there’s not a damn thing you can do to resolve the problem. So quit acting like you can. The only thing your attempts to do so are likely to accomplish when they’re already feeling raw and vulnerable is to reinforce their suspicions that there’s something so wrong with them that they have to fix it in order to be lovable.

Encourage them to trust what they need to do next. This is so hard, especially when you think you know better. Odds are that you don’t, though. Different people heal differently. You may need to bounce back from rejection by trying something (or someone) new, but they may need to embrace the wallow for a bit. Some people need to cut all ties because when their hopes for a relationship die, trying to settle for anything less seems unbearable. Some people need to keep in touch, because the thought of losing the person they love not only as a partner but also as a friend seems unbearable. Don’t tell them to do something just because it’s what works for you.

This was long and rambly but it helped me a little to write it out. Hope there’s something here that can help you, too.

Posted in Alive, Getting It Together, Writing | 1 Comment »

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