M. Suzanne Terry

When I was teaching, I would often give a speech at the end of each term to recap how far the students had come that semester. This was one of my favorite days (and not just because it was the last day). When you teach public speaking, most students come into the class with a lot of fear and doubt about their ability to do well. By the end of the semester, though, many of these same students are good (and some, even excellent) speakers despite their fear, and it’s important to make note of that.

In this speech, I also told them the key things I hoped they took away from the class. If I had earned their trust enough for it to be effective to do so, I would then end with a bit of advice for their future.

I don’t have a class full of students anymore, but I do still work in semesters. And if you’re reading this, I hope you trust me at least a little bit (if not – why are you reading? Just stop. Save yourself the misery.).

So I have some advice. Not for college students, though. For their parents or for people who one day will be parents of young adults.

Let them take care of their own business.

I know it’s hard. I’m not even a parent, but when one of my friends’ kids – doesn’t matter how old the kid is or even if they’re not technically a kid anymore – talks about a difficulty they’re having, my gut reaction is “Whom do I call?! Just give me a name, and I am on it. This shall not stand!” I can appreciate that if you multiply by about a million, this is probably how the parents of these young adults are feeling when everything doesn’t go 100% their way.

Ok. That is a valid emotion. Acknowledge that feeling…and then let them take care of their own business. By the time they are adults, it’s good for them to know how to be. And unfortunately, the only way they are going to learn this lesson is with practice.

I would recommend starting when they’re in high school. This is what my mom did, and to this day I still regard it as easily one of the top five life lessons I have ever learned.

When I was competing in UIL, my high school principal made a decision about my eligibility to go on a trip that I didn’t agree with. I was devastated in the way that only a 17-year-old who is used to being every teacher’s pet and golden child can be devastated. I ranted to my mom, who was friends with him, begging her to call him and get him to change his mind. But she didn’t.

What she did instead was look into my melodramatic, tear-stained face and say, “I understand your point of view, but this is your conflict, and you need to handle it.” She then asked more questions and gave me some advice about points I should consider making.

I talked to the principal the next day on my own. I initiated the meeting and presented my case, and he listened. I realize that not everyone in that position would have paid attention to a teenager with no real power, and while I would hope it would have gone the same for another student, I can’t be certain of that. But he did listen, and I thanked him for his time and left feeling confident and proud that I had made my opinion known.

The best part? I got all the credit. The next time he saw my mom he told her, “I’m really impressed with her. She is mature beyond her years.” And Mom just said, “That’s so good to hear. Thank you for telling me,” like it was the first time she was hearing anything about it. And while I didn’t get what I wanted in that situation – I really wasn’t eligible to go on that trip; it was the right decision to make – I did get a pretty kickass reference from him later for something more important.

Please let your young or almost adults have these experiences. They’re so valuable.

Now, I know that if the principal had ignored or disrespected me, my mama bear absolutely would have called him – at home, intentionally during supper time – and he would have rued the day he made that bad choice. She is…formidable. So I’m not suggesting that you completely give up advocating for your kid. But there are also those – like the people in my office – who look for ways to say yes whenever it fair to do so and offer other support when it is not. It is our delight to help this adulting lesson go as smoothly as possible.

At some point, your habit of stepping in from the beginning or even at the first sign of disagreement needs to stop being the default reaction. If you could see the proud faces of the students who come to our office on their own or the sheer volume of excited exclamation points in replies from those who email us when they succeed in what they contacted us to accomplish, I’m confident you would want that for your kid, too.