Work | M. Suzanne Terry

Archive for the ‘Work’ Category

Rest and Regroup

Posted in Getting It Together, Work, Writing on June 11, 2014| 1 Comment »

A quick look at my calendar tells me that this is supposed to be Week Five of my Getting It Together project. I am not doing Week Five this week. I have not finished the kitchen yet. Halfway through Week Five, I am still working on Week Four, and of all the weeks, this is the one that I want to finish completely before moving on.

There are reasons for this delay that I could not have foreseen at the onset of the project. The main reason is that I suddenly took on a summer class that started last week. That eats up two nights a week and many hours of prep time that I didn’t have scheduled before. The second reason is that I have been uncharacteristically hyper-social the last few weeks. I am used to seeing people and having people over, but I had plans every single night last week. I don’t actually remember the last evening I spent at home, which means it’s been at least a couple of weeks. I love time with friends, but I need a certain measure of solitude like I need air.

These are the reasons that I am exhausted. This is not an acceptable state for summer. It is not acceptable to me that my system is so shot that I slept through three alarms this morning, despite having gone to bed earlier than usual. I’ve been sleeping through alarms a lot lately, but I usually wake up at my regular schedule on my own. That didn’t happen today. What did happen today was a moderate anxiety attack (meaning that thankfully, it was more just hyperventilating with the subsequent lightheadedness and nausea than the usual oh-god-oh-god-my-heart-is-exploding) and a spontaneous hour and a half vacation from the morning at the desk when I finally woke up and realized it was 9:00 a.m., and I wasn’t there yet.

This is a warning sign, and I’m taking it seriously.

The summer is for resting and regrouping. Yes, I have this big project planned, but it’s planned over twelve weeks. So it’s a leisurely project, and I’m glad. A big part of getting it together is self-care. I can’t get it together if I can’t recognize when I need to take a little time off for leisure.

So this is me admitting that I need a couple of days of leisure in my life right now.

Yesterday, I got coverage for the some desk time, thinking that I could use the time off to catch up and be on the original schedule of the project and get a lot of writing done. I planned to use the time off to work extra hard for five days straight and get ahead of schedule. I had a ridiculous to-do list. I’m not sure it allowed for sleep.

But leisure is priority right now. Starting tonight, I’m giving myself a five-day weekend. I’m using three days vacation from the day job. I’m not canceling class tomorrow night, but that might be the only thing I do tomorrow.

Friday is a total rest day. I am making no plans (for those of you who have just tuned in, this is a Big Deal). I will do only what I want to do. I might read; I might write; I might even do some dishes or laundry. I might go to the library or to a coffee shop. I might spend the whole day on the Internet (although I’m not convinced that counts as rest). Or I might sleep in, watch TV, eat lunch, take a nap, watch more TV, stare out the window a while, and then go back to bed. I am erasing all expectations for Friday.

Saturday through Monday are my regrouping days. I am a scheduled person, but for the schedule to work, I also have to remember that I am an introverted person, so let’s see if we can dial down the anxiety by not having something out-of-house scheduled for every single night (self, are you listening?!). I still have a to-do list, but unlike the list I just tossed in the garbage, it’s actually sane. It includes things like this:

Finish Week Four; post recap.
Rework project schedule; post plan for next step.
Update writing calendar through the end of August.
Update budget.
Plan meals for next few weeks – especially lunches. Make grocery lists for each week.
Go to church Sunday.
Go drink wine with Supper Club Sunday night.

It is a list of tasks that will smooth things out and make life after the break easier. Easier is good. Easier is necessary.

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What I’m Into – May 2014

Posted in Books, Food, Getting It Together, What I'm Into, Work, Writing on May 31, 2014| Leave a Comment »

I love this May. May is usually crazy and full of transition. And this one was, too, to an extent. But the weather has been unseasonably cool and gorgeous:

And my day job is Summer Housing (i.e., working with college students) instead of Summer Conferences (i.e., working with minors…who…I’m sure it’s different when they’re your own…but working with other people’s children makes me never want to find out). So I had a fantastic May and a fantastic start to summer.

How May makes me feel. This cat understands me.

Here’s what I’m into this month:

To write:

I started my Getting it Together series on the blog. I am enjoying the food. I am tolerating the cleaning. My entryway is giving me fits. I hope the rest of the rooms aren’t this much of a struggle.

My favorite post that I wrote this month was Badger. It was good to talk about it, and I think I was fair enough. It’s hard to be fair when you’re telling your side of the story.

To read:

Summer (and perhaps my Getting It Together project) have me dreaming up food ideas and being drawn to ideas that others have dreamed up. So I read cookbooks and foodie memoirs and foodie fiction even more than usual.

There are not many books that I read and then need to go immediately and buy because I can’t stand the thought of being without it. A Homemade Life by Molly Wizenberg is one such book. This is my favorite book that I’ve read this year. It’s a treasure. And arugula salad with dark chocolate bits? Pretty much the best idea ever.

I also read Keepers by Kathy Brennan and Caroline Campion. Most of the book is meat-intensive, which I am not, but I will end up buying it for the sauces alone. I’m a sucker for a sauce.

To watch:

I have continued my obsession with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and I will probably end up buying it by the end of the summer. Such great characters. Such amazing one-liners.

I have also watched Chocolat four times. Because chocolate. And France. And Johnny Depp. I will probably watch it four more times before I return it to the library. Because I checked out the book, so I’ll need to watch it again after I finish the book. NEED.

To hear:

I’ve been writing and scheduling posts for What Not to Say, so I’ve been listening to my WNTS station on Spotify. Maybe not safe for work, depending on your workplace.

To eat:

May has been DELICIOUS. As part of my Getting It Together series, I’m going through some of Mom’s recipes, so May has tasted like my childhood. There was cavatini (which is basically pasta, sauce, ground beef, pepperoni, and cheese, all in one glorious dish), chicken salad, and sausage balls. I’ve also made a couple of loaves of beer bread, which makes fantastic toast for breakfast. Food at my house has been so good that I haven’t even wanted to go out, which is unusual for me, but it was a nice change.

We’re gathering at Leigh Kramer’s blog to talk about what we’re into – join us!

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Summer Begins

Posted in Seasons, Work on May 10, 2014| Leave a Comment »

My summer began today.

The weather has been telling me it’s summer for about a week now. But today is move-in day for Summer Housing, so this is the first day my mind can wrap itself around summer.

I am moving to my other building this summer. This makes me happy for several reasons.

Reason #1: Every time I walk into Santa Fe, I hear Christian Bale singing in my head:

Reason #2: Summer Housing means I get to continue working with college students instead of working with the often younger patrons of Summer Conferences. I might make a cameo appearance at some of the bigger conferences, but most of my summer will be spent working my regular job. I get to fit this summer instead of feeling like a fish out of water. Happy.

Reason #3: We have a new friend in the Santa Fe lobby.

We haven’t decided on a name yet. Josephine, maybe. Or Smokey (because of the fireplace. Obviously.).

Reason #4: It’s so cool over here, temperature-wise. It’s pretty cool in my other building, too. But summer tundra, here I come!

Reason #5: Debbie and I have the summer to spruce up the Santa Fe desk and to see what it needs so that it can be more functional in the fall than it has been.

I don’t say this very often, but YAY FOR SUMMER!!!

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Awful…for a minute…

Posted in Rants, Work on April 8, 2014| Leave a Comment »

Can I be awful for a minute? I mean, just tacky and graceless and snotty?

Good. Because I’m gonna.

I tell my students that, contrary to popular belief, there is such a thing as a stupid question. I then go on to explain that any question that someone has not only already answered but also answered in writing falls under this category.

Because don’t be lazy. Also, try to listen.

As the semester winds down, though, I want to add a couple of things to this category.

1. Any question to which you could easily find the answer yourself is a dumb question. Especially if you look at me, see that I’m busy doing something, and decide to interrupt and ask me anyway. For example, don’t ask me what time it is. That is my pet peeve question. I cannot think of a situation where I can be trusted to answer this question politely. You can look at your phone just as easily as I can. Also, there’s probably a clock on the wall. Just turn your head.

You will get a look from me. I’m not sure I can help it. It might be involuntary. It might look something like this:

(Actually, that’s more my “stop being funny – I’m trying to look angry here!” look)

It will be the look that says, “Look how accessible this information is to you without any assistance from me whatsoever. Don’t you feel foolish?” I will give you a look, then I will slowly and deliberately turn my head to look at the clock or to look at the phone IN YOUR HAND while I put down what I’m doing and pick up my own phone. Then I will sigh. Then, finally, I will answer. This process will take at least five times longer than it would have taken you to figure it out yourself.

Overreaction? Maybe. Tacky? Sure. But not nearly as much as what I’m thinking about you in my head.

Because don’t be lazy.

2. Any question that forces me into small talk.

This is something that not many people know about me. I like greeting people. I like making eye contact, saying, “hello,” and wishing them a good day as they go off to class. I like doing my part to help set the tone for a pleasant day. I also enjoy welcoming the residents home and asking how their day went. It’s pretty much my favorite part of my day job.

You know what’s not my favorite?

Small talk.

When I say, “Good morning,” I mean it. When I ask how someone’s day is, I really want to know. It’s fine if they only want to mutter “okay” as they shuffle past. That’s their prerogative. But if they want to have a real conversation, I’m for it.

What I am not for is answering mindless questions about what I think of the weather 4,000 times a day. If you ever encounter anyone behind a desk, do us all a favor. Don’t talk about the weather. Be the one fantastic person in our day who doesn’t make us have that terribly boring “conversation.”

I mean, I will answer it. It’s not your fault that everyone in the history of the building has asked the same question. I will be nice about it. Usually. Unless it’s hot. Then I have feelings, and you will get to hear them, because hey – you asked. But if your goal is to be nice, you’ve failed.

3. Any question that isn’t a real question but is designed to “teach” me something through manipulation and general asshattery (i.e., condescension disguised as pleasantry).

“How are you today?”
“I’m okay. How are you?”
“Just okay? Why not GREAT?!”

“Why don’t you smile more often?”

“Good morning!”
“How are you today?”
“I’m good.”
“Are you sure? You don’t look it.”

You clearly don’t know me very well, so let me explain some things.

1. I have an MA in Communication. I know how to communicate, and I do it just fine. I do not need you to teach me how to act, and it’s rude of you to try to do so.
2. I am 39 years old. If you have ever encountered a grown ass woman before, you should know how to interact with one (hint – the conversations above? Not the way to go.).
3. I’m particular. I have reasonable expectations, but it takes a lot to impress me. And to get the reaction you are wanting, you have to impress me, not just meet the general expectation.
4. I am analytical. I am precise and honest. If I’m not “great,” I don’t say that I am. And as I am at work and NOT on a beach sipping an umbrella drink handed to me by a delightful cabana boy (who can smile or not, just as long as he keeps the drinks coming), I’m probably not going to be “great” when you see me. I’m okay. I like my job reasonably well, I’m glad to have it, and I choose to be here. But it’s still a job, not happy fun time.

People have different personalities. We aren’t all Polyannas. And thank God for that. We wouldn’t be able to breathe from all the syrup flying through the air.

I smile, but it’s usually pretty subdued, particularly compared to the bubbly stereotype you seem to want me to be. And it’s going to stay subdued until I have something to get bubbly about.

Or unless my boss requires it, but I don’t see that happening.

But if you are a random person trying to tell me how to act at MY desk in MY building? That will bring out the anti-bubbly. That’s a good way to get me to go from “okay” to “pissed off” in no time.

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Silence

Posted in Story Sessions, Work, Writing on February 2, 2014| Leave a Comment »

This week in Story 101, we practiced silence. This week was a crazy week at work.

This week, I sucked at silence. Well, sort of.

I tried to stay away from Facebook during work this week. I gave myself ten minutes in the morning to answer questions on the group that I admin for work, to wish people a happy birthdays, and to answer direct messages. I was going to spend ten minutes and then log off.

Then an announcement needed to be made on the group page. New residents requested to be added and then came to the front desk, perplexed that it hadn’t happened immediately (because doesn’t EVERYONE live and die by their Facebook notifications?). Then our supper club meeting on Sunday had to be overhauled. Then etc. Then I just kept logging back in to do one more thing.

I tried to stay off Facebook during work. I failed. I did this log-in-log-out business for two days. Then I just gave up logging out.

But at home, that was a different story.

At home, it was quiet. Finally quiet. Blissfully quiet.

I did not log in to tend to work or anything else. Because I don’t work (for the job that pays rent) at home, and I don’t work (for the job that pays rent) for free.

At home, I do what I love. And this week of silence gave what I love the space to rest and breathe.

Even at home, my writing time, no matter how faithful I am to stick to it, is usually a rush-in,go go go,

don’t pause to ponder

just write write write

And even then, there’s not time to get everything I planned to do in the time I had to do it.

This week, with silence, I had time to ponder. And I loved it.

The problem with silence is that when I get it – even a little of it – I start to crave it. All the time.

And the normal stresses of being an introvert in an extrovert job are multiplied by ten billion.

There’s no silence there.

It’s loud loud loud loud loud.

People talking at and over each other. Not to communicate. Not really. Just to hear their own voices. And I know they aren’t hearing anyone but themselves, because their responses are comically non sequitur.

It could be an SNL skit. I try not to laugh – which I really want to do, because it’s absurd and hilarious, even if they don’t mean for it to be – because sudden bursts of laughter from the previously silent desk clerk will provoke a whole new set of chatter as they try to figure out what’s so funny without ever stopping to listen for the answer.

Oh, wow. That would be even funnier.

Talking talking talking talking talking. So much blah blah blah

And I feel blah (blah blah).

And I get it. I do. It’s mesmerizing to hear your voice. To learn its sound. To hear words that come out that might be your ideas or might be a variation of someone else’s ideas but are out there. You put them out there. You gave them your voice. And it’s especially mesmerizing when it’s new – when you are learning new things and meeting new people.

You know, like people do. When they’re first-year students. In a dorm. Where I work.

I get it.

I just can’t deal with it when I know that the silence is waiting for me on the other side of the time clock. When I can go home and breathe it in. Breathe it out. Inhale. Exhale. Unwind. Unclench. Where it will actually matter that Facebook is off or that I’m not on Pinterest. When I can choose silence and actually have it choose me back. When I will actually get the silence I’m seeking. Where choosing silence actually works. Where I can go, as May Sarton phrased it in Journal of a Solitude, “to take up my ‘real’ life again.”

Is it this way for everyone? The increased intentional silence a reminder of the glory of what everyday life could be (should be…must be)? Does it make them yearn for quiet solitude to be the thing they do full-time rather than the thing they have to make time to do? Do they feel even more unsatisfied than they usually feel with where their choices about how they make a living – make a life – have landed them?

In this way, silence has been a mixed bag for me this week. I love it, but because I love it, I am more acutely aware of how much my life lacks it. I am thus dissatisfied. And restless. And wistful.

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I had a plan, and then…

Posted in Story Sessions, Work on January 15, 2014| 8 Comments »

This was the Story Sessions prompt:

“I need to be startlingly clear. This thing of finding your authentic voice, expressing your blessed weirdness and revealing your soul isn’t an elegant process. You don’t do it to be cool. It’s only real when it is ruthless, relentless, and inevitable. But it is also a matter of personal and collective survival. Yes, it’s that important. You are that critical.” – Jacob Nordby

So, as it is the first week of class, and this quote closely resembles the ideas I try to get across to my students all semester, I thought I knew what I wanted to say about it. I outlined a grand post about the stages of the bumpy process of helping students go from being terrified of public speaking to finding something to say, and from there, discovering their own unique way of saying it. It wasn’t a bad post. In fact, there was poetry involved. It was a little fancy.

But as I was reading over my notes, I couldn’t bring myself to post them. The words just felt flat.

It’s easy to hide behind what I’m helping others do. But what about my authentic voice? Do my students ever get to see into my soul?

Last night, I’m not sure they did.

Sure, it was the first night, so we were mostly just going over the syllabus. Not a lot of opportunity for soul-baring there.

And sure, when I’m teaching at NCTC, I’m not just representing myself. I am representing the college, too, and I have a responsibility to do it well, which means that saying what I really think is not always the most important – or even the most desirable – goal.

I had moments of authenticity. I told them of my own struggles with overcoming speech anxiety, because I want them to know that I understand what they’re going through. When discussing class rules, I was honest about my quirks. I told them that I would stay two hours after class if they had legitimate questions about an assignment, but if the questions become a pitiful wheeze of don’t-wannas, they should not expect that conversation to end well. I felt that it was only fair to warn them that I would have a hard time responding pleasantly to whining.

But for most of the class, I felt like I was reading a script that someone else wrote. I told a lot of the same jokes that I have used the whole fifteen years that I have been teaching this class. I did my love-of-cheese bit, even though I’m lactose intolerant now. I confessed my nerdery regarding superhero movies, even though I haven’t seen any of the ones that have come out in that last few years, because all the people I used to see them with have moved away.

All my jokes are old, and telling them felt fake.

Don’t get me wrong. The jokes still work. More importantly, they serve a purpose. They get laughs, which slice through some of the tension that tends to be pretty thick on the first day of a public speaking class. I could go through the whole semester, using the same lectures and the same assignments, the same examples and the same stories, and it would be just fine. The students would still learn. Some of them would even surprise themselves by liking it.

But I can’t help but wonder what would happen if I broke out of the rut. What would my class be like if I rose to the same challenge that I gave my students? What if I wrote new lectures, or asked different questions, or just admitted that I prefer TV to movies (because to care about a story, I need good character development, and two or three hours is usually not enough time to do it well)?

What if I expressed my own blessed weirdness?

This semester might get very interesting.

And Story 101, it’s all your fault.

(thank you)

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Esperar

Posted in Church, Hope, Work on December 4, 2013| Leave a Comment »

“Sometimes, wrestling with wait looks a lot like believing in spite of and sometimes, it looks like pushing back with every ounce of strength you have within your bones.” Elora Ramirez, Story Sessions (do it)

Advent has always been difficult to me. There’s so much rush, and I’m supposed to be waiting? There’s no time! I have parties to attend and throw, gifts to choose or make, and if I manage to finish all of that early, I’d like to send cards (purposely sent – if at all – after the first day of Christmas so they can be holiday cards without anyone getting fussy, because I just don’t want to hear it). Oh, and there’s also those two jobs where it’s dead week and finals week, so the first two weeks of December are the busiest of the term.

This year, I get to add being sick for a week to the mix. Good times.

I also have temper issues with waiting. I’ve never waited on a child of my own to come into the world, but I’ve waited beside friends, and even from the outside, it’s frustrating as hell. It’s frustrating in the last few weeks of the perfect pregnancy, when she’s miserable and exhausted, and if one more asshole asks her, “Wow! You haven’t had the baby yet?!” or remarks on how huge she is, she might have no other choice but to calmly and rationally stab them in the neck. It’s agonizing to swim through the sea of paperwork required for adoption, especially when after doing all that paperwork, there are still delays and Facebook posts that taunt her with ten thousand pictures of everyone else preparing for Christmas with their little people for whom it is still new. It’s heartbreaking to have the long-awaited child within her grasp, only to lose him or her to miscarriage or an inconveniently changed heart.

But these are not my stories. I don’t know the wait for a child from any perspective other than outside.

My waiting is of a different sort.

My waiting is for a set of larger boots to keep mine company by the front door. It’s for lazy Saturday mornings where we pretend that we’re out of town but we really just sleep in and make waffles way too close to noon to call it brunch. It’s for a forever plus one. It’s for a hand held, a back had, and names that sound like poetry when spoken by the other who was meant to speak them the most.

It’s a waiting that might never be realized for a husband who might not actually exist.

It’s a waiting that’s more often a fight than an anticipation.

My waiting is about pushing back when might-not seeps into my thoughts with a louder, stronger Might. It’s about remembering that the importance of desire is not diminished by not yet having it. It’s believing that there are far more things that are or will be than I can see on my clearest day.

It’s no mistake that in Spanish, “to wait” and “to hope” are the same word.

So I wait. And I hope. And maybe this year, they’ll become the same thing in my soul. Maybe this year, espero.

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Thanksgiving is soon…Thanksgiving is soon…

Posted in Thanks, Work on November 25, 2013| Leave a Comment »

This little mantra is my happy place this morning.

When the door opens and the paper turkey flies off the ledge of the desk, hitting me in the face, because that’s how wind works…

When the Lost and Found drawer is so full that we’ve had to transfer it to a box on the desk, hoping that someone will come claim their lost shoes and towels (what the…what?!?)…

When the toilet in the public restroom still runs constantly, despite multiple attempts to fix it…

When my hair still smells like the caramelized onions and celery from last night’s soup, despite being washed again this morning…

When I can finally walk to work without sweating but spend the day listening to people complain about how cold it is outside, because of November…

When all of these no-big-deal things join forces to become omg-it-is-not-even-noon-yet…

I remember that I am thankful.

I am thankful that I have a job.

I am thankful that this is a half-week.

I am thankful that I get to see my family on Wednesday.

I am thankful that I have delicious soup to look forward to at lunch.

I am thankful for my life and the abundance and even its little eccentricities.

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Day Thirty – Sugar High

Posted in 31 Days, Food, Work on October 31, 2013| Leave a Comment »

My students started their how-to speeches tonight. A few of the how-to topics on the list: how to make better-than-sex cake, how to make peanut butter cup brownies, how to make chocolate decorations for cupcakes (with a special one made just for me, the teacher).

I think I consumed more sugar this evening than I have consumed the rest of the month combined. It was glorious/terrifying.

I didn’t even eat all of what was given to me. I had a couple of bites of each thing.

And still – sugar high!

I knew I was sensitive to sugar, but I did not expect such a small amount (relative to what I was served) to affect me so much.

The fun part was that the students got a kick out of watching me get all darty-eyed and fidgety when the sugar kicked in.

The not-fun part was the sugar crash that happened about thirty minutes after class.

Themes, Observations, and Lessons:

– I can’t even think straight right now. Sugar is bad, kids.

– After almost a month of not even trying to limit my sugar intake – of just limiting it because drinking less soda was a byproduct of nixing fast food – the difference in my focus and my ability to maintain my energy level is remarkable. Noted.

I’m going 31 days without fast food.

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Day Twenty-nine – Well-Stocked Pantry

Posted in 31 Days, Food, Work on October 31, 2013| Leave a Comment »

I want to have a well-stocked pantry. I covet other people’s pantries when I visit their homes. I save my favorite pantry tips on my Kitchen Sink board. My current favorite: this article from examiner (sorry for the overkill of ads),

Don’t worry – I’m not going to list tons of pantry items for you to skim over and ignore. Everyone’s pantry list is different. What I use often enough to keep in bulk will probably be different from yours. For instance, I keep extra jars of roasted red peppers, because I throw them into just about everything, and I do not have time to roast peppers every time I want to use them (although that does sound like a nice canning project for next summer). I also know that I need to keep quick fixes on hand, or I will use the time factor as an excuse to go to Chicken Express.

But the next step for me in sticking to monthly meal planning is making sure I keep a stocked pantry. I will start with the list in the article mentioned above and adapt it to my needs.

Themes, Observations, and Lessons:

– My night desk cohort and I are planning a series of lessons called “How to be a Grown Up 101” for the residents next semester. This month has inspired me to put meal planning on the list of topics.

– When I drove past Chicken Express the other day, I said (to myself, but yes, out loud), “I don’t need your greasy chicken! I have egg rolls at home!” It was awesome.

I’m going 31 days without fast food.