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Dance Party Friday – Club Trad

Posted in 31 Days, Work on October 10, 2014| Leave a Comment »

I started working at UNT Housing in Fall 2005.  I have met some colorful, awesome people here. One of the ones who sticks out (and who, having married one of my best friends, is pretty much stuck with me forever) is Adam.  There are many pictures I could have chosen of Adam, but I think this one pretty much encapsulates the presence he was in the hall:

Adam on a horse

(The actual quote that goes along with this photo – “How about now that I’m riding my horse? I once rode this all the way to Arizona, you know.” I wish I could make that less confusing to you…but no. That’s a whole other post, and even then, I can’t promise you would be less confused if you knew the story.)

Adam is the desk clerk who trained me. And don’t let the picture fool you – he is one of the most hard-working, competent people with whom I have ever worked.

He also started Club Trad.

Adam loves music.  You’ll note the huge binder of CDs on the desk behind him.  That is only one of several such binders in his collection. He had a different theme for every day. On Fridays, particularly on those that ended a challenging week, the theme was house music. He had to watch the lyrics of the songs he chose, because what is club appropriate is not always front desk appropriate, but he brought the party.

At SFT, we party where we’re at.

And today, we invite you to join us.

I’m committing to 31 Days of Movement.

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On Not Moving

Posted in 31 Days, Work on October 9, 2014| 6 Comments »

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Yesterday, I chose to take a break from moving.

There were many factors involved in this decision. Wednesdays are my long days.  I work desk from 8:00-4:00, then I have office hours from 5:30-6:30 and teach class from 6:30-9:30, so Wednesday is my 12-hour workday. Add to this that yesterday was the first day of six that my supervisor will be out, and we no longer have a night desk clerk, so I’m the only full-time staff in the building and thus have more responsibilities.  There was no one’s office to walk to, and I had plenty at my own desk to keep me busy (and seated). Yesterday was also the monthly part-timer training that I lead, and elevators are faster than stairs. And on top of all the added work at work, I decided yesterday would be a great time to start my outline for the Feast ebook that I’m drafting in November.

By the end of the day, I was mentally done. When I finally got home, I just wanted to sit in front of the TV and veg.

So that’s what I did.

I’m not going to beat myself up for making that choice. It’s one day.  One missed day is not a big deal.

I am, however, going to remember a few things.

I am going to remember that mentally tired does not necessarily equal physically tired. Being blessed with abundant energy makes it hard to get to sleep when that energy is not used. This is shedding some light on my seasonal insomnia.

I am going to remember that having a hard time falling asleep makes it harder to get up in the morning. Instead of waking up five or ten minutes before my alarm went off, rested and ready to face the day, I woke up this morning disoriented and confused by the terrible sound that was jarring me awake. I am going to remember how unpleasant that was.

I am going to remember that even a little activity and a little stretching before bed goes a long way toward not waking up with my back in knots.

I am going to remember that vegging out is more fun when I don’t have a cloud of what-I-could-be-doing-instead hanging over me. The cloud robs relaxation of some of its joy.

I am at peace with my choice to take a day off, but I’m remembering the natural consequences.

I am committing to 31 Days of Movement (or…you know…at least writing about it).

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What I’m Into – June 2014

Posted in Books, Story Sessions, What I'm Into, Work, Writing on July 3, 2014| Leave a Comment »

Oh, June.  I’m into you.  I didn’t expect to be.  Maybe the surprise of it is what makes it so mesmerizing.

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The snow cones don’t hurt, either.

Words:

Poetry, food, and friends.  Even with two jobs in full swing, June demands vacation reading. I moved my reading lamp to the bedroom, so I have been drenching myself in the poetry collections I keep on my bedside table every night and every morning.  Suddenly, waking up isn’t so hard to do.

Chocolat – Long-time lover of the movie (because Johnny Depp.  And chocolate.  But mostly Johnny Depp), I knew I’d love the book as well. This book will make you hungry…in so many ways.

Ruth Reichl’s debut novel Delicious! was wonderful.  I am biased, because having collected most of her other books and tried most of the recipes within them, I love her and sort of want to be her when I grow up, but Reichl knows how to tell a story.  Also – don’t worry – the gingerbread recipe is at the back of the book.

And my friend Beth Morey’s The Light Between Us was launched this month.  I ordered a paper copy but I couldn’t wait for it to get to me, so I grabbed an e-copy as well. It’s a fast read, because you don’t want to put it down.  This book + beach + mai tai = perfect day.

Friends:

June was full of fun.

Our Supper Club went to Wine Squared for Sumptuous Sundays on Father’s Day. We enjoyed a wonderful three-course meal with wine pairings for each course which included the most glorious pork loin I’ve ever eaten and a port I actually enjoyed. We, of course, hastily signed up for their wine club.  We’re hooked.

Summer seems to be the time for transitions. Several friends have moved/are moving/got new jobs, so I got to celebrate with them. My old boss Dennis got a job at another school, so the Dean of Students office (where he worked at UNT) had a farewell party for him. Lisa from my book club moved back to the east coast, so we had a special book club meeting (read: night of wine and Texas-themed food/presents) to send her off.  And Jayne and Connor are moving to Juneau soon, so I got to see her last week and will see her again at their garage sale on Saturday.  Added bonus – I bought this adorable thing from them, which is the perfect cabinet for my liquor:

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Dear Savvy turned two.  What she’s into?  Daniel Tiger and butterflies.

Savvy

 

(And cake.  And Daddy.)

Because none of us could make the in-person Story Sessions retreat in Austin, the DFW Story Sisters decided to have our own party.  Adela hosted us for an evening of wine, food, and conversation, and it was a balm to my soul.

Products:

Um, who knew about Arbonne and failed to tell me?  Kim lured me to a party one Friday with the promise of wine (pretty much the only reason I’ll ever leave my house on a Friday evening), and I’m so glad she did.  I tried all the things, and I AM NOT ALLERGIC TO ANY OF THEM. This never happens.  I ordered the daily face regime for sensitive skin and the deodorant, but I want to buy everything.  I’m having a party in August, and I’m at least going to sign up to be a preferred customer.

Equal Exchange’s Red Cherry Challenge -in addition to their already stellar business practices that ensure a livable wage and a workable business model for coffee farmers, Equal Exchange is donating ten cents for every pound of coffee purchased this year to the Red Cherry Fund, a grant program for farmers in El Salvador and Guatamala, where climate change has wreaked havoc on their businesses. I pledged to buy five pounds of coffee a month (which is actually a pretty conservative estimate for me).  Will you join the challenge?

TV/Movies:

The first weekend of the month, I did a little dogsitting, which means I also did a lot of Netflixing.  In one weekend, I watched Season 3 of Sherlock (!!!) and both seasons of Orange is the New Black (also !!!). The dogs were incredibly calm, aside from during that pesky storm incident, and I like to think it had something to do with my good taste in programming.

Well, I say they were calm.  This is the look you get from Maddie when you suggest that she “go outside” during OITNB:

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No one gives side eye like Maddie.

I also watched The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.  I liked it, but I don’t know if I would have liked it as much as I did if I hadn’t been chatting about it via Facebook with the Story Sessions while watching it. It was clever.  You should see it.

The Internet:

– Women ignoring men as art

– June 4 was National Hug Your Cat Day, and The Bloggess encouraged all of us to celebrate.

– This was followed two days later by National Donut Day. Mmmm….donut….*salivates*

– Addie Zierman wrote The Non-Blogger’s Guide to Blogging series. This is the first blogging series that hasn’t made me want to throw my hands up in the air (and wave them like I just don’t care) and erase everything I’ve ever done online because why bother if I’m not going to be perfect at it. If you want to improve your blog but can’t stand advice on how to improve your blog, go give it a read.

So you can see why I have such a crush on June this year.  Link up with us over at Leigh Kramer’s blog to let us know what you were into in June!

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Early to Bed, Early to Rise…*sigh* FINE.

Posted in Simplify, Work, Writing on June 26, 2014| 3 Comments »

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(Photo Credit – Jennifer Upton – A Shared Lens)

Every morning, at precisely 5:03 a.m., my internal clock wakes me up.  This has been happening sporadically for about a year, but it has happened EVERY DAY for the last two weeks. It doesn’t seem to matter what time I go to bed.  I could crash at 10:30, or I can stay up reading until 2:00.  Still – 5:03.  On the dot.

I don’t know why my body has decided to betray me in such a way.  I don’t know why it’s angry with me or what I could have possibly done for it to think I deserve this treatment.  Et tu, body?

I have been ignoring it.  I have woken up, looked at my phone, seen the odious numbers 5:03, cursed vehemently, rolled over in a huff, and fallen right back to sleep.

Yet it keeps happening.

So I’m going to give in. You want to wake me up at 5:03 a.m., body?  FINE. We’ll see how you actually like getting up at that time.

My fear, of course, is that my body will like it.  I do not look forward to the few weeks it takes to adjust my falling-asleep time to the new, ungodly getting-up time. The next few weeks might be rough.

But once I do adjust (and please let it happen quickly), I foresee the following benefits:

  1. I can have breakfast and wake up (read: start caffeinating) at home, where I can do so in private, instead of at work, where I must do so around other humans. People I work with – don’t worry – there will still be coffee at the desk in the morning.  In fact, this way, you might get more than one cup before I drain the pot.
  2. I can do morning free writes leisurely, at my desk, instead of tapping away on Margeaux the iPhone, one eye still closed, in between alarm snoozes.
  3. Morning reading time?  Yes, please.
  4. Once I get used to it, I could start going to the gym again.  I am generally not a fan of the gym, but I am a fan of running.  Do you know what a good time of day to run outside in July in Texas is?  NEVER.  There’s not a good time.  It’s so hot.  You could die. So I can get up and go use the track (and maybe the weights, on days when I just flat out lose my mind and forget my personality, which is actually quite likely at 6:00 in the morning) at the gym.  Yes, I realize that the gym is open at other times of the day. But will I ever, ever go when I know that it’s full of 18-year-olds?  No.  No, I will not.  So 6:00 a.m. is my gym time, if I am to have a gym time at all.
  5. I will be able to do all of these things and still get to work on time.

So I’m skeptical, but I’m willing to try, if for no other reason than it means I’ll only have to wake up once.

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Rest and Regroup

Posted in Getting It Together, Work, Writing on June 11, 2014| 1 Comment »

A quick look at my calendar tells me that this is supposed to be Week Five of my Getting It Together project.  I am not doing Week Five this week.  I have not finished the kitchen yet.  Halfway through Week Five, I am still working on Week Four, and of all the weeks, this is the one that I want to finish completely before moving on.

There are reasons for this delay that I could not have foreseen at the onset of the project.  The main reason is that I suddenly took on a summer class that started last week.  That eats up two nights a week and many hours of prep time that I didn’t have scheduled before.   The second reason is that I have been uncharacteristically hyper-social the last few weeks.  I am used to seeing people and having people over, but I had plans every single night last week. I don’t actually remember the last evening I spent at home, which means it’s been at least a couple of weeks. I love time with friends, but I need  a certain measure of solitude like I need air.

These are the reasons that I am exhausted.  This is not an acceptable state for summer. It is not acceptable to me that my system is so shot that I slept through three alarms this morning, despite having gone to bed earlier than usual.  I’ve been sleeping through alarms a lot lately, but I usually wake up at my regular schedule on my own.  That didn’t happen today.  What did happen today was a moderate anxiety attack (meaning that thankfully, it was more just hyperventilating with the subsequent lightheadedness and nausea than the usual oh-god-oh-god-my-heart-is-exploding) and a spontaneous hour and a half vacation from the morning at the desk when I finally woke up and realized it was 9:00 a.m., and I wasn’t there yet.

This is a warning sign, and I’m taking it seriously.

The summer is for resting and regrouping.  Yes, I have this big project planned, but it’s planned over twelve weeks.  So it’s a leisurely project, and I’m glad.  A big part of getting it together is self-care.  I can’t get it together if I can’t recognize when I need to take a little time off for leisure.

So this is me admitting that I need a couple of days of leisure in my life right now.

Yesterday, I got coverage for the some desk time, thinking that I could use the time off to catch up and be on the original schedule of the project and get a lot of writing done.  I planned to use the time off to work extra hard for five days straight and get ahead of schedule.  I had a ridiculous to-do list. I’m not sure it allowed for sleep.

But leisure is priority right now.  Starting tonight, I’m giving myself a five-day weekend.  I’m using three days vacation from the day job.  I’m not canceling class tomorrow night, but that might be the only thing I do tomorrow.

Friday is a total rest day.  I am making no plans (for those of you who have just tuned in, this is a Big Deal).  I will do only what I want to do. I might read; I might write; I might even do some dishes or laundry.  I might go to the library or to a coffee shop.  I might spend the whole day on the Internet (although I’m not convinced that counts as rest). Or I might sleep in, watch TV, eat lunch, take a nap, watch more TV, stare out the window a while, and then go back to bed.  I am erasing all expectations for Friday.

Saturday through Monday are my regrouping days. I am a scheduled person, but for the schedule to work, I also have to remember that I am an introverted person, so let’s see if we can dial down the anxiety by not having something out-of-house scheduled for every single night (self, are you listening?!). I still have a to-do list, but unlike the list I just tossed in the garbage, it’s actually sane.  It includes things like this:

  • Finish Week Four; post recap.
  • Rework project schedule; post plan for next step.
  • Update writing calendar through the end of August.
  • Update budget.
  • Plan meals for next few weeks – especially lunches. Make grocery lists for each week.
  • Go to church Sunday.
  • Go drink wine with Supper Club Sunday night.

It is a list of tasks that will smooth things out and make life after the break easier.  Easier is good.  Easier is necessary.

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What I’m Into – May 2014

Posted in Books, Food, Getting It Together, What I'm Into, Work, Writing on May 31, 2014| Leave a Comment »

I love this May.  May is usually crazy and full of transition.  And this one was, too, to an extent.  But the weather has been unseasonably cool and gorgeous:

sky

And my day job is Summer Housing (i.e., working with college students) instead of Summer Conferences (i.e., working with minors…who…I’m sure it’s different when they’re your own…but working with other people’s children makes me never want to find out).  So I had a fantastic May and a fantastic start to summer.

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How May makes me feel. This cat understands me.

Here’s what I’m into this month:

To write:

I started my Getting it Together series on the blog.  I am enjoying the food.  I am tolerating the cleaning.  My entryway is giving me fits.  I hope the rest of the rooms aren’t this much of a struggle.

My favorite post that I wrote this month was Badger. It was good to talk about it, and I think I was fair enough.  It’s hard to be fair when you’re telling your side of the story.

To read:

Summer (and perhaps my Getting It Together project) have me dreaming up food ideas and being drawn to ideas that others have dreamed up.  So I read cookbooks and foodie memoirs and foodie fiction even more than usual.

There are not many books that I read and then need to go immediately and buy because I can’t stand the thought of being without it.  A Homemade Life by Molly Wizenberg is one such book.  This is my favorite book that I’ve read this year. It’s a treasure.  And arugula salad with dark chocolate bits?  Pretty much the best idea ever.

I also read Keepers by Kathy Brennan and Caroline Campion.  Most of the book is meat-intensive, which I am not, but I will end up buying it for the sauces alone. I’m a sucker for a sauce.

To watch:

I have continued my obsession with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and I will probably end up buying it by the end of the summer.  Such great characters.  Such amazing one-liners.

I have also watched Chocolat four times.  Because chocolate.  And France.  And Johnny Depp. I will probably watch it four more times before I return it to the library.  Because I checked out the book, so I’ll need to watch it again after I finish the book.  NEED.

To hear:

I’ve been writing and scheduling posts for What Not to Say, so I’ve been listening to my WNTS station on Spotify. Maybe not safe for work, depending on your workplace.

To eat:

May has been DELICIOUS.  As part of my Getting It Together series, I’m going through some of Mom’s recipes, so May has tasted like my childhood.  There was cavatini (which is basically pasta, sauce, ground beef, pepperoni, and cheese, all in one glorious dish), chicken salad, and sausage balls. I’ve also made a couple of loaves of beer bread, which makes fantastic toast for breakfast. Food at my house has been so good that I haven’t even wanted to go out, which is unusual for me, but it was a nice change.

 

We’re gathering at Leigh Kramer’s blog to talk about what we’re into – join us!

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Summer Begins

Posted in Seasons, Work on May 10, 2014| Leave a Comment »

My summer began today.

The weather has been telling me it’s summer for about a week now.  But today is move-in day for Summer Housing, so this is the first day my mind can wrap itself around summer.

I am moving to my other building this summer.  This makes me happy for several reasons.

Reason #1:  Every time I walk into Santa Fe, I hear Christian Bale singing in my head:

Reason #2: Summer Housing means I get to continue working with college students instead of working with the often younger patrons of Summer Conferences. I might make a cameo appearance at some of the bigger conferences, but most of my summer will be spent working my regular job. I get to fit this summer instead of feeling like a fish out of water. Happy.

Reason #3: We have a new friend in the Santa Fe lobby.

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We haven’t decided on a name yet.  Josephine, maybe.  Or Smokey (because of the fireplace.  Obviously.).

Reason #4: It’s so cool over here, temperature-wise.  It’s pretty cool in my other building, too.  But summer tundra, here I come!

Reason #5: Debbie and I have the summer to spruce up the Santa Fe desk and to see what it needs so that it can be more functional in the fall than it has been.

I don’t say this very often, but YAY FOR SUMMER!!!

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Awful…for a minute…

Posted in Rants, Work on April 8, 2014| Leave a Comment »

Can I be awful for a minute?  I mean, just tacky and graceless and snotty?

Good.  Because I’m gonna.

I tell my students that, contrary to popular belief, there is such a thing as a stupid question.  I then go on to explain that any question that someone has not only already answered but also answered in writing falls under this category.

Because don’t be lazy.  Also, try to listen.

As the semester winds down, though, I want to add a couple of things to this category.

1.  Any question to which you could easily find the answer yourself is a dumb question.  Especially if you look at me, see that I’m busy doing something, and decide to interrupt and ask me anyway. For example, don’t ask me what time it is.  That is my pet peeve question.  I cannot think of a situation where I can be trusted to answer this question politely.  You can look at your phone just as easily as I can.  Also, there’s probably a clock on the wall.  Just turn your head.

You will get a look from me.  I’m not sure I can help it. It might be involuntary.  It might look something like this:

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(Actually, that’s more my “stop being funny – I’m trying to look angry here!” look)

It will be the look that says, “Look how accessible this information is to you without any assistance from me whatsoever.  Don’t you feel foolish?”  I will give you a look, then I will slowly and deliberately turn my head to look at the clock or to look at the phone IN YOUR HAND while I put down what I’m doing and pick up my own phone.  Then I will sigh.  Then, finally, I will answer.  This process will take at least five times longer than it would have taken you to figure it out yourself.

Overreaction?  Maybe.  Tacky?  Sure.  But not nearly as much as what I’m thinking about you in my head.

Because don’t be lazy.

2. Any question that forces me into small talk.

This is something that not many people know about me.  I like greeting people.  I like making eye contact, saying, “hello,” and wishing them a good day as they go off to class.  I like doing my part to help set the tone for a pleasant day.  I also enjoy welcoming the residents home and asking how their day went.  It’s pretty much my favorite part of my day job.

You know what’s not my favorite?

Small talk.

When I say, “Good morning,” I mean it.  When I ask how someone’s day is, I really want to know.  It’s fine if they only want to mutter “okay” as they shuffle past.  That’s their prerogative. But if they want to have a real conversation, I’m for it.

What I am not for is answering mindless questions about what I think of the weather 4,000 times a day.  If you ever encounter anyone behind a desk, do us all a favor.  Don’t talk about the weather.  Be the one fantastic person in our day who doesn’t make us have that terribly boring “conversation.”

I mean, I will answer it.  It’s not your fault that everyone in the history of the building has asked the same question.  I will be nice about it.  Usually.  Unless it’s hot.  Then I have feelings, and you will get to hear them, because hey – you asked.  But if your goal is to be nice, you’ve failed.

3. Any question that isn’t a real question but is designed to “teach” me something through manipulation and general asshattery (i.e., condescension disguised as pleasantry).

“How are you today?”
“I’m okay.  How are you?”
“Just okay?  Why not GREAT?!”

“Why don’t you smile more often?”

“Good morning!”
“How are you today?”
“I’m good.”
“Are you sure? You don’t look it.”

You clearly don’t know me very well, so let me explain some things.

1.  I have an MA in Communication.  I know how to communicate, and I do it just fine.  I do not need you to teach me how to act, and it’s rude of you to try to do so.
2.  I am 39 years old.  If you have ever encountered a grown ass woman before, you should know how to interact with one (hint – the conversations above?  Not the way to go.).
3.  I’m particular.  I have reasonable expectations, but it takes a lot to impress me.  And to get the reaction you are wanting, you have to impress me, not just meet the general expectation.
4.  I am analytical.  I am precise and honest.  If I’m not “great,” I don’t say that I am.  And as I am at work and NOT on a beach sipping an umbrella drink handed to me by a delightful cabana boy (who can smile or not, just as long as he keeps the drinks coming), I’m probably not going to be “great” when you see me.  I’m okay.  I like my job reasonably well, I’m glad to have it, and I choose to be here.  But it’s still a job, not happy fun time.

People have different personalities.  We aren’t all Polyannas.  And thank God for that.  We wouldn’t be able to breathe from all the syrup flying through the air.

I smile, but it’s usually pretty subdued, particularly compared to the bubbly stereotype you seem to want me to be.  And it’s going to stay subdued until I have something to get bubbly about.

Or unless my boss requires it, but I don’t see that happening.

But if you are a random person trying to tell me how to act at MY desk in MY building?  That will bring out the anti-bubbly. That’s a good way to get me to go from “okay” to “pissed off” in no time.

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Silence

Posted in Story Sessions, Work, Writing on February 2, 2014| Leave a Comment »

This week in Story 101, we practiced silence. This week was a crazy week at work.

This week, I sucked at silence.  Well, sort of.

I tried to stay away from Facebook during work this week.  I gave myself ten minutes in the morning to answer questions on the group that I admin for work, to wish people a happy birthdays, and to answer direct messages.  I was going to spend ten minutes and then log off.

Then an announcement needed to be made on the group page.  New residents requested to be added and then came to the front desk, perplexed that it hadn’t happened immediately (because doesn’t EVERYONE live and die by their Facebook notifications?). Then our supper club meeting on Sunday had to be overhauled. Then etc.  Then I just kept logging back in to do one more thing.

I tried to stay off Facebook during work.  I failed.  I did this log-in-log-out business for two days. Then I just gave up logging out.

But at home, that was a different story.

At home, it was quiet.  Finally quiet.  Blissfully quiet.

I did not log in to tend to work or anything else.  Because I don’t work (for the job that pays rent) at home, and I don’t work (for the job that pays rent) for free.

At home, I do what I love.  And this week of silence gave what I love the space to rest and breathe.

Even at home, my writing time, no matter how faithful I am to stick to it, is usually a rush-in,go go go,

don’t pause to ponder

just write write write

And even then, there’s not time to get everything I planned to do in the time I had to do it.

This week, with silence, I had time to ponder.  And I loved it.

The problem with silence is that when I get it – even a little of it – I start to crave it. All the time.

And the normal stresses of being an introvert in an extrovert job are multiplied by ten billion.

There’s no silence there.

It’s loud loud loud loud loud.

People talking at and over each other.  Not to communicate.  Not really.  Just to hear their own voices. And I know they aren’t hearing anyone but themselves, because their responses are comically non sequitur.

It could be an SNL skit.  I try not to laugh – which I really want to do, because it’s absurd and hilarious, even if they don’t mean for it to be – because sudden bursts of laughter from the previously silent desk clerk will provoke a whole new set of chatter as they try to figure out what’s so funny without ever stopping to listen for the answer.

Oh, wow.  That would be even funnier.

Talking talking talking talking talking.  So much blah blah blah

And I feel blah (blah blah).

And I get it.  I do.  It’s mesmerizing to hear your voice.  To learn its sound.  To hear words that come out that might be your ideas or might be a variation of someone else’s ideas but are out there.  You put them out there.  You gave them your voice.  And it’s especially mesmerizing when it’s new – when you are learning new things and meeting new people.

You know, like people do.  When they’re first-year students.  In a dorm.  Where I work.

I get it.

I just can’t deal with it when I know that the silence is waiting for me on the other side of the time clock.  When I can go home and breathe it in.  Breathe it out. Inhale.  Exhale.  Unwind.  Unclench. Where it will actually matter that Facebook is off or that I’m not on Pinterest.  When I can choose silence and actually have it choose me back.  When I will actually get the silence I’m seeking.  Where choosing silence actually works. Where I can go, as May Sarton phrased it in Journal of a Solitude, “to take up my ‘real’ life again.”

Is it this way for everyone?  The increased intentional silence a reminder of the glory of what everyday life could be (should be…must be)?  Does it make them yearn for quiet solitude to be the thing they do full-time rather than the thing they have to make time to do?  Do they feel even more unsatisfied than they usually feel with where their choices about how they make a living – make a life – have landed them?

In this way, silence has been a mixed bag for me this week.  I love it, but because I love it, I am more acutely aware of how much my life lacks it.  I am thus dissatisfied.  And restless.  And wistful.

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I had a plan, and then…

Posted in Story Sessions, Work on January 15, 2014| 8 Comments »

This was the Story Sessions prompt:

“I need to be startlingly clear.  This thing of finding your authentic voice, expressing your blessed weirdness and revealing your soul isn’t an elegant process.  You don’t do it to be cool.  It’s only real when it is ruthless, relentless, and inevitable.  But it is also a matter of personal and collective survival.  Yes, it’s that important.  You are that critical.” – Jacob Nordby

So, as it is the first week of class, and this quote closely resembles the ideas I try to get across to my students all semester, I thought I knew what I wanted to say about it.  I outlined a grand post about the stages of the bumpy process of helping students go from being terrified of public speaking to finding something to say, and from there, discovering their own unique way of saying it. It wasn’t a bad post.  In fact, there was poetry involved.  It was a little fancy.

But as I was reading over my notes, I couldn’t bring myself to post them.  The words just felt flat.

It’s easy to hide behind what I’m helping others do.  But what about my authentic voice?  Do my students ever get to see into my soul?

Last night, I’m not sure they did.

Sure, it was the first night, so we were mostly just going over the syllabus.  Not a lot of opportunity for soul-baring there.

And sure, when I’m teaching at NCTC, I’m not just representing myself.  I am representing the college, too, and I have a responsibility to do it well, which means that saying what I really think is not always the most important – or even the most desirable – goal.

I had moments of authenticity.  I told them of my own struggles with overcoming speech anxiety, because I want them to know that I understand what they’re going through.  When discussing class rules, I was honest about my quirks.  I told them that I would stay two hours after class if they had legitimate questions about an assignment, but if the questions become a pitiful wheeze of don’t-wannas, they should not expect that conversation to end well.  I felt that it was only fair to warn them that I would have a hard time responding pleasantly to whining.

But for most of the class, I felt like I was reading a script that someone else wrote.  I told a lot of the same jokes that I have used the whole fifteen years that I have been teaching this class.  I did my love-of-cheese bit, even though I’m lactose intolerant now.  I confessed my nerdery regarding superhero movies, even though I haven’t seen any of the ones that have come out in that last few years, because all the people I used to see them with have moved away.

All my jokes are old, and telling them felt fake.

Don’t get me wrong.  The jokes still work.  More importantly, they serve a purpose.  They get laughs, which slice through some of the tension that tends to be pretty thick on the first day of a public speaking class. I could go through the whole semester, using the same lectures and the same assignments, the same examples and the same stories, and it would be just fine. The students would still learn. Some of them would even surprise themselves by liking it.

But I can’t help but wonder what would happen if I broke out of the rut.  What would my class be like if I rose to the same challenge that I gave my students?  What if I wrote new lectures, or asked different questions, or just admitted that I prefer TV to movies (because to care about a story, I need good character development, and two or three hours is usually not enough time to do it well)?

What if I expressed my own blessed weirdness?

This semester might get very interesting.

And Story 101, it’s all your fault.

(thank you)

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