A quick look at my calendar tells me that this is supposed to be Week Five of my Getting It Together project. I am not doing Week Five this week. I have not finished the kitchen yet. Halfway through Week Five, I am still working on Week Four, and of all the weeks, this is the one that I want to finish completely before moving on.
There are reasons for this delay that I could not have foreseen at the onset of the project. The main reason is that I suddenly took on a summer class that started last week. That eats up two nights a week and many hours of prep time that I didn’t have scheduled before. The second reason is that I have been uncharacteristically hyper-social the last few weeks. I am used to seeing people and having people over, but I had plans every single night last week. I don’t actually remember the last evening I spent at home, which means it’s been at least a couple of weeks. I love time with friends, but I need a certain measure of solitude like I need air.
These are the reasons that I am exhausted. This is not an acceptable state for summer. It is not acceptable to me that my system is so shot that I slept through three alarms this morning, despite having gone to bed earlier than usual. I’ve been sleeping through alarms a lot lately, but I usually wake up at my regular schedule on my own. That didn’t happen today. What did happen today was a moderate anxiety attack (meaning that thankfully, it was more just hyperventilating with the subsequent lightheadedness and nausea than the usual oh-god-oh-god-my-heart-is-exploding) and a spontaneous hour and a half vacation from the morning at the desk when I finally woke up and realized it was 9:00 a.m., and I wasn’t there yet.
This is a warning sign, and I’m taking it seriously.
The summer is for resting and regrouping. Yes, I have this big project planned, but it’s planned over twelve weeks. So it’s a leisurely project, and I’m glad. A big part of getting it together is self-care. I can’t get it together if I can’t recognize when I need to take a little time off for leisure.
So this is me admitting that I need a couple of days of leisure in my life right now.
Yesterday, I got coverage for the some desk time, thinking that I could use the time off to catch up and be on the original schedule of the project and get a lot of writing done. I planned to use the time off to work extra hard for five days straight and get ahead of schedule. I had a ridiculous to-do list. I’m not sure it allowed for sleep.
But leisure is priority right now. Starting tonight, I’m giving myself a five-day weekend. I’m using three days vacation from the day job. I’m not canceling class tomorrow night, but that might be the only thing I do tomorrow.
Friday is a total rest day. I am making no plans (for those of you who have just tuned in, this is a Big Deal). I will do only what I want to do. I might read; I might write; I might even do some dishes or laundry. I might go to the library or to a coffee shop. I might spend the whole day on the Internet (although I’m not convinced that counts as rest). Or I might sleep in, watch TV, eat lunch, take a nap, watch more TV, stare out the window a while, and then go back to bed. I am erasing all expectations for Friday.
Saturday through Monday are my regrouping days. I am a scheduled person, but for the schedule to work, I also have to remember that I am an introverted person, so let’s see if we can dial down the anxiety by not having something out-of-house scheduled for every single night (self, are you listening?!). I still have a to-do list, but unlike the list I just tossed in the garbage, it’s actually sane. It includes things like this:
- Finish Week Four; post recap.
- Rework project schedule; post plan for next step.
- Update writing calendar through the end of August.
- Update budget.
- Plan meals for next few weeks – especially lunches. Make grocery lists for each week.
- Go to church Sunday.
- Go drink wine with Supper Club Sunday night.
It is a list of tasks that will smooth things out and make life after the break easier. Easier is good. Easier is necessary.
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