This week has been pretty OK. Today, on his birthday, I’m thankful for my brother-in-law. He is always eager to help out with random tasks, and I think he cares more about my car maintenance than I do. He has a sweet heart and gets nerdy about good deals, which is super endearing. Glad he’s part of our family!
I’ve been thinking a lot about the chaos of the world this week. We humans are just so, so bad at…humanity. The therapy has been really good lately, though, so instead of spiraling, these thoughts have prompted a craving for creating restorative, quiet space and practicing consistent self-care (which are important for maintaining sustainable education, awareness, conversations, activism, etc.). Of course, this has led me down rabbit holes, chasing tools that might help. So that’s what today’s list brings. These aren’t necessarily things I am going to incorporate, but I found them particularly beautiful and thought they might be things others would enjoy as well.
I have toyed with the idea of the Archer & Olive subscription box for a few months. I looove and hoard office and craft supplies. Any time I’m at a yard sale or a craft store or Targe with a little fun money to burn, that’s what I’m drawn to. While the subscription is a bit pricey, you get quite a few nice things with each box. And they’re soooo pretty. I may subscribe just to have gorgeous things on hand when someone’s birthday (or any day, really) comes up and I want to give them a little something special.
I ordered the latest copy of Bella Grace, and it is a visual treat. The articles and lists inside are not particularly groundbreaking, but they’re easy reads. They’re great for a quick reminder that there is more to life than the to-do list. Sometimes, I just thumb through to look at the beautiful pictures (also would be good for collaging/mood boards, if you’re into that sort of thing).
I am obsessed with the Finch app. I have often struggled with tracking simple daily self-care, and this makes it fun. My birb is named Bandit, and she’s adorable.
I find myself using the Insight Timer app more days than not. It’s where I found the sleep music I’ve been using for a while (also, I think I want to make a sleep music album myself. I think that’s my jam.), but lately, I’ve also been using some of the good-morning/good-evening meditations.
Finally, while I think this would be too much stimulation for me personally, I can see how a Northern Lights lamp like this one would be a cozy addition to someone’s home.
Do you have favorite self-care tools? What are they?
Life seems to be plodding along lately. I am not doing a lot of things I’d usually do because I don’t have the energy (and also there are so, so many germs out there that my body just can’t handle being around right now). My treatment has hit a small hiccup (delayed due to concerning lab results – nothing too drastic or out of the ordinary, I’m assured), and that’s frustrating.
But I’m getting through it without too many terrors, so I guess that’s something.
This weekend, I participated in Dewey’s 24-hour Readathon. And by participated, I do mean read sporadically and fell asleep a lot. I finished one of the books I started, though, and I’ll probably finish another tonight. I don’t see me finishing the book for book club by tomorrow. It’s a long one, and while I started it last month, I haven’t been reading consistently so time got away from me a bit.
The whole weekend was so relaxing. I even got some journaling in, and I remembered my word for the year.
Quiet.
In many ways, it has been quieter simply because I’m doing less and staying home more. I’m even doing less when I’m at home. I still clean and work on projects but in much shorter spurts. I haven’t had the attention span to read as much as usual. I’ve decided that while I’m still going to try to complete some of my reading challenges, writing reviews for each book I do read is probably not a reasonable expectation this year. So it’s been quieter here, too.
But when I do leave home, everything is so intense.
I’m not just going to work; I’m rushing through getting things done because I’m out so much with appointments and don’t want to miss anything important. Also, my office is moving (again) into a louder part of the office (again). One day, I’ll actually get to settle into this position and feel like I have my head on straight. I hope.
I’m not just getting regular check-ups but intense treatments that make me feel puny, and that affects every other aspect of my life.
I’m attending very few social events, but I feel way more social than usual because I’m trying to keep people informed and constantly answering questions of “How are you doing?” and “How can I help?” which are very sweet questions to ask. I do miss, however, having conversations about literally anything else. I’m so tired of talking about myself (which I realize may not be believable given that I’m currently doing so on the internet but…you get it).
What I want to explore this week is carving out quiet spaces in the chaos. I want to turn my new office into a calm area where I can be productive without getting overstimulated. I want to give myself buffers around my appointments so that I am not just darting to them and rushing back but having a chance to process (or just breathe) a little before I jump right into the next thing. I want to be bolder about changing the subject when I can’t possibly fathom talking about my body or my needs for one minute longer. Simply ending these conversations when I need to is also a good alternative.
I enjoy solitude and quiet time, so while this is a challenge, it’s a welcome one. In fact, I think it’s just what I need to get myself back to some semblance of what I meant this year to be.
Edited: At the community vigil in Owasso, Nex’s friends confirmed that he used he/him/his pronouns with friends and they/them at home. I have updated this post to reflect how Nex is known among his friends.
It’s been a hard week personally. Long saga, but the gist is the chemo port was successfully placed but they did not put me under during the procedure so I’ve been dealing with the fallout of that trauma (it took a full day and a half of “I’m fine everything’s fine it’s ok” to finally call it trauma, just in time to have a meltdown about it when I had labs done on Wednesday so maybe we journal more consistently and maybe make an actual appointment with the nice therapist soon). But some good news – no spread to the uterus, so that was a huge relief.
And after the excellent care – physical, emotional, and mental – from the awesome team at Texas Oncology and some much-needed social support from friends over the course of the week, yesterday was much better. But I’m still exhausted.
This is, of course, added to the heartbreak of the ongoing updates on the death of Nex Benedict, the trans student who was murdered by bullies in Oklahoma this month (full disclosure – I have no energy left for diplomacy and I don’t see that changing this year while I’m undergoing cancer treatment, so buckle up – we’re going to be blunt and call things what they are around here for the foreseeable future…and maybe longer if I discover I like it as much as I suspect I will).
If you are similarly heartbroken, make sure you are taking care of yourself extra this week. If you are trans or nonbinary, I want to tell you what I can never say often enough – your life and your right to just fucking exist in peace are important to me. If you are not heartbroken, do some soul-searching and examine why (I’ve put a few resources below if information will help). I say this especially to people who share my faith, because the God you follow is heartbroken about the horrific treatment and negligence that led to his death, so either return to said God and repent your hard-heartedness or start being honest about what spirit you are actually following, because it’s not a holy one. Also note that sometimes repentance starts with donations (see below).
Not just a problem here (which absolutely does not negate in any way that it is a problem here, so take any what-abouts you may be tempted to entertain and throw them in the garbage where they belong – that it’s also awful elsewhere obviously means there’s more work to do, not less) – JAMA Network
The VAWnet project from the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence
Btw, these sources were found by a Google search of “statistics on trans nonbinary risks” and, when that pulled up mostly .org sites (i.e., usually solid, accurate studies but also often called out for being slanted, as every organization inherently has an agenda simply because it exists to further a certain cause, which naysayers like to point out, forgetting that their own pet organizations also have agendas because that’s what organizations do /rant), I spent a little extra time vetting before adding them to the list. Then I added a second search of “statistics on trans nonbinary risks site:edu” (i.e., typically the most heavily scrutinized studies) to supplement. All of this took ten minutes, so take heart that it’s pretty quick and easy to find more good info if you are looking for it.
Search “trans and nonbinary blogs” and you will find a treasure trove of people who are putting their own stories and experiences out there to help people better understand (usually free of charge, which is incredibly generous, given how much emotional labor this level of public vulnerability requires. That being said, it would be appropriate to donate if they have a button or widget installed to do so.). The stats can give you general facts, but these personal sources are the ones that have had the greatest impact on my own empathy and understanding by seeing how navigating the world affects specific people.
If you are reading and you have sources you want to add, please do so in the comments (especially if you want to share your own blog and stories). Sources that sympathize with aggressors or pose arguments that trans/nonbinary or LGBTQIA+ in general are not real identities will be deleted. Those are not valid viewpoints on this issue, and I am not making room in my online space to pretend that they are. No exceptions.
I am angry, but I am not angry with you (unless you happen to be a Texas or Oklahoma lawmaker or school board member. In that case, every single one of you is on my list. Do better. Tell your little work friends to do better. Do it now.). Okay, fine. Here’s a little diplomacy. Enjoy.
Next week is gonna be…something. Chemo is starting, and I’m hella nervous (and super angry about billing, but more on that later, probably in the next few days). Even more reason for this weekend to be a lot of staying in and resting and nesting and reading all the preparation materials.
Knowledge is power, even when it’s scary.
Some great things to add to your weekend reads:
My friend Beth published a story, and it’s just 0.99! Click over and buy it and give it a read.
We Are Not Okay by Roxane Gay – As you know if you’ve been here long at all, I love Roxane Gay, and I love this piece. In related news, the Sesame Street responses on social media and the reminder of how much I adore Tracy Chapman’s music (I love watching how much Fast Car means to so many performers – give yourself a five-minute break to enjoy Chapman and Combs’s Grammy performance) were a couple of uplifts that I desperately needed this week. Super grateful for that.
One of the things I love about Susan Cain (other than Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, which is easily one of my top five favorite book titles ever) is how well she tackles finding the balance between taking care of your soul (specifically if you are an introvert, but I think the general premise applies to everyone) and contributing to the world in the unique way that only you can. This post is a great example of addressing the tension between those two values that many of us feel.
I’m starting to wrap my head around replacing my beloved bean-shaped loveseat (like, within the next year. Not now. My proverbial plate and my literal stack of bills is full right now). I think I want a loveseat like this. A sofa that I can rearrange that can serve not only as guest bedding but also as storage? In pretty peacock blue (or ooh- blue or green velvet)? Yes, please. On the other hand, this is also very cute and looks similar to what I have and love now.
And finally, I have been feeling pretty sugar-averse these days. It’s funny how eating less of it for just a short amount of time can make most desserts seem too sweet. It’s almost as if my body is relieved I’m eating less sugar. Ahem. Rude, but ok, body. I guess I can continue to listen. Whatever. Anyway, I would make an exception for this Ding Dong cake. I bet it’s DELICIOUS.
I hope your weekend is fun/restful/exciting. Have a good one – whatever that looks like for you!
It’s been a nutty couple of weeks. I feel more settled at work than I did in early-to-mid-January, probably because the semester is getting underway and everyone is falling back to their routines. Either that, or I have successfully adopted a more relaxed, whatever-gets-done-is-enough attitude (less likely, but still remotely possible). Also, I’m getting more done, so it may just be that that feels good. Regardless of the reason, I’ll take it.
Meanwhile, I am super focused on a few key things. At home, I am nesting like I’m expecting a new baby. I am constructing an elaborate meal plan that I may actually use occasionally when I feel up to it in the next few months. And the information-sponge part (erm, majority?) of my personality is in overdrive. About everything. Mostly health stuff, but it’s hard to turn it off when it’s time to talk about something else. Yesterday at an appointment the nurse said, “This may be too much information.” No such thing, friend. No. Such. Thing.
However, I am enjoying super easy weekends and shall continue to do so while I’m going through treatment so as not to tax my system any more than necessary or cause any delays. In the perfect world, I would take this opportunity to learn how absolutely essential easy weekends are to my life and general well-being and keep them indefinitely. One can hope.
Here are some things I’m enjoying lately:
One of the wonderful things about reading challenges is that I get prompts that remind me of things I love. Nowhere Bookshop’s challenge encourages us to read our “Roman Empire” book – a book about any topic that lives a solid rent-free existence in our heads. One of my proverbial Roman Empires is architecture, specifically house plans. I think about how building homes could not only be useful as a career but also make opportunities to provide shelter and safety for others as well as build communities. I think about it a lot. I have several rough sketches for houses – everything from small bungalows to large spaces with full libraries and indoor pools. Also, I LOVE BLUEPRINTS. This prompt has me deep-diving into this topic that gives me so much joy. Look at these tiny house plans! How cute are they? And I adore the whimsy of this one. I mean, I would need a whole second tiny house just for my books, but I love the creative, economical use of space. Anyway, I put a lot of books on hold at the library about this, so I think I will have this prompt more than covered.
Also…I like this article. Not making any plans (for now or in the near future). I just like it.
I love cottagecore. Not so much the clothing or decorating style (although I do love roses and carnations and tend to decorate with both, even after they’re dead), but the lifestyle elements. Container gardens, reusing scraps, knitting my own blankets, slow food. Focusing on less waste and more creativity. Great quote – “We can choose to create a world for ourselves filled with gentle moments, while also considering how we can make our homes a place of cultivation instead of a place to store ‘things.’” This also slides right in line with my current nesting habits.
I’ve been looking for recipes recently that are high in protein and fiber. I’ve been in a bit of a food rut, but most of these and these look good to me. Perhaps I’ll try one or two of them this weekend (lookin’ at you, sweet potato).
I know they’ve reached their goal already, but these are some of the most talented baristas in Denton, and I want them to have all they need and more while they look for their next gig. So if you have a little love (and by love, I do mean cash) to throw their way, please do. Also, there’s going to be a fundraiser at Rubber Gloves, so swing by if you’re in Denton on February 10.
Take care this weekend (and all the time, really), friends. I hope it’s relaxing and fun and everything you want it to be!
Welcome to February! Finally. January always feels about 524 days long. I hear several people say that every year, but it lollygagged especially hard this year.
Here’s my reading plan for this month. Or, rather, my start reading and then get distracted and read something else (that may or not be on the list at all) or just binge-watch a TV show I’ve already seen 14 times while holding the book open on my lap instead of reading plan.
This week. Whew. Glad it’s almost over and that my weekend is mostly relaxing. I’m really leaning into my quiet theme as much as I can. That’s been helpful.
Here are some things from this week:
In health news – I have been diagnosed with breast cancer. I also have a gastro issue that will eventually require surgery and I’m trying to get my unruly cholesterol under control, but cancer is the prime target right now. Treatment looks like a few months of chemo, then surgery, then probably more chemo and radiation to finish up. Beyond the basic updates, I still don’t know how much I’m going to talk about it here. This is one of my happy places on the internet (although I may have a rant for you at some point about the medical billing process as I have experienced it because…wow), so I think I mostly want to keep it that way. But I wanted to let you know so that if I am not posting here as often, you’ll know why. Or I could post more often because I tend to get chatty when I’m stressed. Who knows how it will actually go. In either case, that is likely the reason.
The Library at the Edge of the World by Felicity Hayes-McCoy – This one was slow to start for me, but overall I really enjoyed it. What’s not to love about a book set in Ireland about a somewhat curmudgeonly librarian who joins forces with her community to save the library and local businesses. And also she is restoring an old house that her aunt left to her on the side. This storyline checks a lot of my favorite cozy boxes. Can I just move my own self into that scenario? Because it sounds lovely.
Night Will Find You by Julia Heaberlin – This was not my favorite of her books. It may just be because I listened to it instead of reading it. The reader wasn’t necessarily bad, but I think I would have preferred the voice in my head. It was hard to maintain focus and I had to rewind a lot. Of course, it’s also possible that I just am not focusing well in general right now, and that isn’t really a reflection of the book. So maybe I’ll give it another chance at some point.
This article on the concept of bookshelf wealth is wild. I still don’t really get what the term means. It seems others also can’t agree about what constitutes true wealth when it comes to book collections and the shelves on which they reside. I feel like I’m firmly in the “who cares about being wealthy – just give me all the books and places to keep them” camp. Occasional dramatic treasures like this, however, are the whole reason I keep my NYT subscription (although I advise waiting to sign up when it’s discounted – then when you call to cancel after the trial year, they’ll often offer you a similar low price for the next year).
I haven’t had much of an appetite, and I’ve been adjusting my diet lately (because all the reasons) to help me feel my best and have the most energy I possibly can. For me, that mostly looks like limiting sugar, dairy, soy, and fatty meats but getting more protein and drinking lots of water. I’ve also noticed that I’ll find a certain food that tastes good and ONLY want that for several days in a row, so apparently my neurospiciness is in full control of the appetite. I’m on a pretty serious persimmon kick these days. But almost everything on this Food 52 vegan list looks DELICIOUS. I’ll be trying a few of these recipes in the next few weeks for sure.
I hope you’re having a good day and that your weekend is exactly what you want it to be!
Happy New Year, everyone! Back to work this week, getting to do a lot of interviews for next year’s staff. We’re losing almost half of our student staff in the office, and there are a lot of great candidates. Definitely go home and just sit in the silence after all this social interaction, though. Ready for a calm, quiet weekend.
Here are some things I enjoyed this week:
I’m intrigued by the concept of house hushing. On the one hand, it makes sense that a neat environment can be more peaceful – more mentally quiet. On the other hand, this feels like another person telling me why I need to clean my house, and I’m not sure I’m open to that sort of advice today. Does hushing still work if I’m overwhelmed and exhausted about it? Maybe I’ll revisit this concept when I’m in a more cleaning-as-catharsis mood.
Here’s something more manageable – turning my office into a cozy workspace. My current favorite things about my office at UNT – a full candy jar, inspirational notes on the bulletin board, coloring books and supplies available for students to use, and twinkle lights (battery-operated, per Housing rules).
I love this piece about dancing – at parties, in clubs, in your living room – how it feels to move in time with music and other people and be a part of something. One of the reasons I don’t mind crowds quite as much when I’m dancing is that it lets me be a slightly different person than I usually am when I’m standing or sitting still. It’s an experience of being both together and alone.
Leave it to Joy the Baker to speak my mind. Gentle January is such a good idea. I mean, I clearly am not going to leave goal-setting and looking toward the new year until the end of the month. But I am starting off soft in other ways. To me, this looks like even more nights at home than usual and longer writing/piano/knitting/crafting sessions. And I am definitely on board with eating down the fridge and pantry to use up all the things before restocking. Work and medical stuff are out of control this month, so embracing as gentle a January as possible sounds like such a relief.
I’m not adding yet another reading challenge to my plate this year. I’m really not. But I do find this one intriguing. If you get book FOMO, this might be a good one for you. A little backtrack on things that might have fallen under your radar in the last decade or so. Enjoy!
Regardless of what this year brings, I suspect a lot of it will be fueled by coffee. Unless a doctor who thinks they’re funny tells me I have to give it up forever. And then – I may just have to die (kidding…probably).
Setting resolutions seems like a lot right now. But I do have things I’m working on and plan to continue working on, so, as is my New Year’s Day custom, I want to acknowledge that.
In addition to exploring quiet as a theme, I have three main goals. None of them are going to be a surprise; in fact, I think I’ve already alluded to all of them in the last few days or weeks.
Reading
I’m keeping the same reading goal I had in 2023 by planning to read 180 books this year. I’ve joined Storygraph and if I like it, I will likely migrate fully over to that tracking system (rather than Goodreads) by the end of the year. Expect each month’s TBR to contain what I’m reading for book clubs, reading challenges, my exploration of quiet, and whatever else I get a wild hair to pick up.
Creative Education
I learned so much in 2023 about setting challenging but attainable creative goals and improving my writing and other art. This year, I had planned to give myself three semesters for my continuing creative education. Each one is 12 weeks long with a few weeks at the end to rest and finish planning the next one, and each one includes specific elements:
Work(s) in progress
Central text
Supplemental resources
Creative community
Weekly goals/practices
The next main text I’m working through is Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way. I have all 12 weeks outlined and I’m starting today.
In looking over my notes from the last time I worked through it, though, it occurs to me that it may take me longer than 12 weeks to really sink my teeth into it, especially if I want to get the most out of it and still have quiet space and make room for healing and pay any attention at all to literally any other goal.
Or, you know, do my jobs. Probably should leave some space for those, too.
In fact, I’m wondering if this may be more of a full 12-month project. I am nervous about this because that is a long-focus commitment, and that’s not typically my best setup for success. It is definitely out of my comfort zone. Will I get bored? Will I put it aside to chase something shinier? Will it feel like torture after the excited hyperfocus wears off?
Maybe. All of those things sound exactly like me.
But also – maybe if I reframe it from a 12-month project to a series of 12 3(ish)-week projects with a little break (as needed) in between them, I can…
Get more out of the deeper dive into each section
Keep from overextending (and thus overwhelming) myself
Learn how to enrich my creative life in a steady, sustainable way
Who knows? I have a stronger writing schedule now than I did the first time I went through this book, so maybe I’ll blaze right through these exercises according to the recommended timeline, and I can go on to the next course I have planned in April or May. Or maybe I’ll be really glad to have extra time to savor what each section of the book has to teach me. Either way, I’m looking forward to working through it.
Health
I had big plans for my health goals for this year, too. I’ve worked hard to maintain a pretty steady routine of cardio and strength training. This was going to be the year that I really focused on my strength, mobility, flexibility, and stamina.
Hahahahahahahahaha.
I planned to spend January-April putting myself through a sort of health boot camp (only…reasonable). I’m about at that time in life when I really see a need to take mobility, stamina, flexibility, and strength seriously [PSA – you’re never too young to take these things seriously]. I mean, I already stretch every morning before getting out of bed so that I don’t hobble with tight muscles and cramped feet on the way to the shower. I maintain my core strength because it supports literally everything else. But back in September, I slept in my recliner for two nights waiting for the mattress I ordered to unfold/expand and be ready to sleep on. I was so sore and exhausted those two days. Sometimes, I get wheezy when I go up the stairs or walk too quickly (i.e., the same speed I’ve always walked) across campus. My cholesterol is out of control. When these things happen, I’ll think it’s allergies or infection or I’ll wonder if I’m getting sick, and then my brain will remind me, “No…you’re just almost 50.” Which is rude. And accurate.
I think we all understand I am not the sort of person who will go gentle into that good night. I am only almost 50. As far as I know, I’ve got a lot of living left to do, and I intend to do it well and with sufficient energy.
So I created a 14-week exercise plan designed to help me do that. I even made a list of motivational reads, such as Intuitive Eating, The Slow AF Run Club, books on dance, etc., to help keep myself inspired and focused.
I also planned to book some sessions with a counselor to ensure I’m doing these things for healthy reasons (I have a history of disordered eating and am easily mesmerized by weight loss, and my control issues don’t get to be in charge here).
And then I started having more appointments with doctors and specialists and surgeons (oh my). So those are my plans right now.
My intended goals are important things to take seriously, and I’m sure I’ll get to them when I’m back on my regular routine assessment schedule instead of talking about diagnoses, surgeries, restrictions, and recovery. I’ve already got my plan with specific milestones laid out and ready to go, and there’s no reason that I have to stop working toward the next goal immediately.
But when it’s time to rest, it’s time to rest. And at that time, most of my well-organized plans will have to be put on hold. And then to some extent, I will have to start over.
There are a few elements that I can still do while resting, such as staying hydrated and eating what I need to eat to feel the way I want to feel (there’s a whole long, boring list that I’ll spare you). For the most part, though, my health goals are going to need to be adaptable to whatever situation I’m facing that week. And I’m still booking the counselor; we just have other things to talk about now.
So that’s it. Those are my goals for the year (which are really just a continuation of things I’m already working toward). Read 180 books, finish The Artist’s Way, and try not to die.
I knew what next year’s theme word would be about four months ago. I was just catching my breath from jumping into the new job (still catching my breath on some days), and I was grateful for the lessons that pondering the concept of home had taught me up to that point.
The more I thought about home and what it means to make space to be at home in my life and all the things that go with that, though, the more I recognized an underlying quality I need in order to feel not just at home but at rest.
I need quiet.
This is not to say that I only need quiet. I still need community and conversation and music. The sound of wind chimes. The happy chaos of change and growth. However, a better, more consistent balance is in order.
At the beginning of each day, I start with the energy and focus I need to see it through. And if everything stays in balance, it will take me through the whole day, including my decadent hour(s) of reading each night. But if I try to do too much or there is too much going on around me, I run out quickly and early. And when it’s done, it’s done. There’s no more until the next day.
This is particularly important to keep in mind as I face surgery (surgeries?) in the next few months. I don’t know all the specifics of what my current health challenges will require of me, but I do know I will need considerable space for them. It would be unreasonable to try to go into this particular season with the same timetable and to-do list as usual as if no adjustments were needed.
Quiet is showing up right on time.
In the past couple of years, I’ve outlined my theme word with definitions and what I think it might mean or where it might take me. But I think I’m just going to acknowledge this one and let it sit here. I look forward to exploring it.
Do you choose a theme/word for your year? I’d love to hear what it is!
M. Suzanne Terry 