M. Suzanne Terry

My word of the year is “fun.” That sounds exciting, doesn’t it? It sounds like the year is going to be full of lots of good times and happy memories. It sounds like a welcome change from the regular, humdrum mode of existence. It sounds…well…fun.

And it might be a fun year. I could look for the fun in every day, just like I looked for the beauty in every day last year, That would make it seem more fun.

What I want, though? ACTUAL fun. Not perceived fun. Not imagined fun. Real fun.

The problem with fun is that looking for it sets up certain expectations. And my expectations are often bigger than my outcomes. I listed some of these expectations at the first of the year: traveling, moving to a house, taking various classes, getting into better shape so that I have more energy. What is missing from this list is the prerequisite for most of these things – extra money. I did rework my budget to make it easier to save faster, but that is still going to be pretty slow-going (insert cliches about blood and turnips here). It’s possible that I need a new list with free things on it, but I cannot think of a single free thing that sounds fun. Not one.

This leads me to the second problem I’m having. I’m not sure I know what’s fun for me anymore. I will see something and think, “Hey, I remember when we did that. I enjoyed that!” Then I will remember how much has changed since then, and it suddenly seems impossible. Or, at the very least, more trouble than it’s worth.

My social situation has fluctuated a lot over the years. Friends have moved or gotten married or had kids or all of the above. These are good things for them that I wouldn’t change. I also learned from these situations that there are a lot of things that I love so much that I don’t mind doing them alone. But “don’t mind” and “enjoy” are two different things.

Also, one thing that is markedly NOT fun for me? Spontaneous plans. Or, rather, having to forego what I was already planning to do and find another time in my schedule to do it in order to make room for spontaneity. That’s not fun. That’s actually stresses me out like crazy. I’m a planner; my schedule is how I keep from getting overwhelmed. But I feel like I miss out on a lot of things that could be fun because by the time they were mentioned to me, I was already doing or planning to do something else.

It’s possible (read: probable/definite) that I am making this harder than it has to be.