So I was going to go to the Pantry Dash on Saturday to support efforts to raise awareness and funds for several food agencies in our area. And by “I was going to…” I do mean “I recognized that it was a good thing that I was glad was happening but was 1) on a weekend morning, 2) was not dependent on my attendance in any way to go off without a hitch, and 3) involved running, possibly even before coffee, so chances were always pretty slim that I would actually be there.”
There was a time in my life when, if something were happening and I said I might attend, I would end up attending, if only out of obligation. Sometimes that obligation was external (other people’s actual expectations); most of the time, it was internal (imagined sense of what other people expected of me, loosely based on abundant self-importance).
Clearly, that time has passed.
It was a rainy Saturday, and I was dog-sitting, so I spent Saturday with Netflix, watching Scandal reruns and having a Gilmore marathon while IM-ing Maggie and Michelle. But a day inside does not mean that I shirked activity. In fact, if I am going to watch TV all day, it is imperative that I get up and move around occasionally. So between each episode, I took about five minutes to run in place or do jumping jacks.
The first couple of times I did this, it got the dogs all riled up. After that, though, this was pretty much the reaction I got:
(Maddie’s thinly veiled contempt)
As a result, I probably moved more over the course of the day than I would have if I’d gone to the Pantry Dash.
M. Suzanne Terry 
I love the way you describe this obligation to act a certain way so you maintain others’ (false?) impressions of you. I do this and have to remind myself that actually, all of that exists only in my imagination.
For example, I invented in my imagination that people expect me to act in certain ways. No one has ever told me that. If they did actually tell me to act a certain way, I would be angry that they were giving me orders. So basically, none of my imaginary external expectations make any sense.
But still I forget and feel guilty sometimes. 🙂
“If they did actually tell me to act a certain way, I would be angry that they were giving me orders.” Ha! Yes! And I’m thinking, “They’ll be mad if I don’t,” but really, if they expressed the obligations I put on myself, I would give them quite an earful.