M. Suzanne Terry

So this isn’t specifically about avoiding fast food, but it’s definitely related.

I do not like to have my picture taken.  I especially do not like having my picture taken and then posting it for all the world (or, rather, the hundreds/hopefully thousands who will like the Jesus Feminist page on Facebook) to see.

I do like my Jesus and the feminism he teaches me, though, so I had my picture taken, and I posted it.

But I have anxiety about it.

I do not like that I am overweight.  Mainly, I dislike my weight for the right reasons – it’s unhealthy, it zaps my energy, etc.  I also dislike my weight, however, for the wrong reasons.  I feel bad about myself when I see the “proof” in pictures of how overweight I am.  I feel like a lazy person, because I know that I didn’t exercise this weekend, and the nagging voice in my head chastises me for bad choices and tells me that, clearly, that’s why today’s picture looks terrible.  I think about that shirt that I’m wearing that I don’t really like and find a bit boring but wore anyway because it’s a solid color, which is more slimming than a pattern. I feel like people will see this picture of chunky me in the dull clothes and know that this is why I’m alone.

None of that is true.  I know this.  I’m not lazy – I work two jobs, write in my spare time, and still have time for a life.  Lazy couldn’t do that.  I don’t have to wear clothes that I find dull.  I have many clothes in my closet right now that I love and look cute on me.  And while I don’t really know why I’m single (and frankly, I’m exhausted by the notion of trying to figure it out), I’m pretty sure it has very little – if anything – to do with my weight.  People of all shapes and sizes are loving and lovable, and that includes me.

But oh, the anxiety.

I hope to lose weight for the right reasons.  Losing weight is part of the reason I’m giving up fast food for the month.  What I don’t want is for this pursuit to consume me.  I don’t want to wait to be comfortable in my body until I reach a certain goal.

Themes, observations, and lessons:

– I have body image issues, but I am still a Jesus Feminist, so I refuse to let them define me.

– I feel the urge to do a closet purging.  It’s been a while.  Out with the drab!

– In the not-so-long-ago past, I would have taped this picture to my bathroom mirror in order to inspire myself to eat less and work out.  I’m tired of being motivated by shame, though, so I’m not going to do that.  I need to find a better motivator.

I’m going 31 days without eating fast food.