M. Suzanne Terry

I was sick yesterday, so I stayed home and mostly slept and watched TV and read (when I could stand it).  I returned this morning to work, still sniffly but at least vertical.  My first hour of work has been what I typically get on Monday morning – a bombardment of neediness.  Work orders that need to be filed.  Paperwork that needs to be proofread or completed.  Everyone who was told over the weekend, “Come back on Monday morning when the full-time clerk is here,” needing me to do what they really needed to be done over the weekend the first time they asked.  And the classroom isn’t any better.  If I have to answer one more question that is clearly outlined on the assignment sheet, “going postal” may have to be renamed “going educational.”  Part of me thinks, “Come on.  They’re just 18…19…20.  Remember how you were at 18…19…20?”  But a louder part of me thinks, “Yes.  I do remember.  That’s why the neediness is annoying – because I didn’t do that.  I read the instructions and followed them and only asked questions after trying numerous times to fix it or figure it out on my own.”  Except for that one time when I called a professor in his office to get a grade instead of walking across campus to get it in class.  Dr. Critelli, I am so, so sorry.  Thank you for being kind enough to answer my question and not fail me.

I’ve never had an answer to “What do you see yourself doing in five or ten years?”  When I was in my early twenties, it freaked me out when I didn’t have an answer, because you’re supposed to know, or at least that’s what everyone tells you.  In my later twenties/early thirties, it stopped freaking me out, because while I still didn’t really know what I wanted to be when I grew up, I enjoyed teaching well enough, so I was happy to stay there.  But not having an answer to this question has its drawbacks, because sooner or later, well enough isn’t good enough.  I’m no longer frustrated by people who ask me to make long-term goals.  I get it now.  They weren’t trying to pressure me; they just wanted more for me than being 37 years old with an advanced degree and lots of experience, but still teaching the same class part-time I’ve been teaching for fifteen years and working another job for which I am ridiculously overqualified.

I finally have an answer to the question, though. What do I see myself doing in five years?  Not this.  I am thankful for this, but it’s not a forever plan.  I’ve never been ambitious, and I can’t really say that I am now (at least not where work is concerned), but having jobs for which I don’t think that I’m well-suited is driving me to find something for which I am well-suited.  And that gives the neediness a whole new look.  Now, they’re motivation.