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Silence

This week in Story 101, we practiced silence. This week was a crazy week at work.

This week, I sucked at silence.  Well, sort of.

I tried to stay away from Facebook during work this week.  I gave myself ten minutes in the morning to answer questions on the group that I admin for work, to wish people a happy birthdays, and to answer direct messages.  I was going to spend ten minutes and then log off.

Then an announcement needed to be made on the group page.  New residents requested to be added and then came to the front desk, perplexed that it hadn’t happened immediately (because doesn’t EVERYONE live and die by their Facebook notifications?). Then our supper club meeting on Sunday had to be overhauled. Then etc.  Then I just kept logging back in to do one more thing.

I tried to stay off Facebook during work.  I failed.  I did this log-in-log-out business for two days. Then I just gave up logging out.

But at home, that was a different story.

At home, it was quiet.  Finally quiet.  Blissfully quiet.

I did not log in to tend to work or anything else.  Because I don’t work (for the job that pays rent) at home, and I don’t work (for the job that pays rent) for free.

At home, I do what I love.  And this week of silence gave what I love the space to rest and breathe.

Even at home, my writing time, no matter how faithful I am to stick to it, is usually a rush-in,go go go,

don’t pause to ponder

just write write write

And even then, there’s not time to get everything I planned to do in the time I had to do it.

This week, with silence, I had time to ponder.  And I loved it.

The problem with silence is that when I get it – even a little of it – I start to crave it. All the time.

And the normal stresses of being an introvert in an extrovert job are multiplied by ten billion.

There’s no silence there.

It’s loud loud loud loud loud.

People talking at and over each other.  Not to communicate.  Not really.  Just to hear their own voices. And I know they aren’t hearing anyone but themselves, because their responses are comically non sequitur.

It could be an SNL skit.  I try not to laugh – which I really want to do, because it’s absurd and hilarious, even if they don’t mean for it to be – because sudden bursts of laughter from the previously silent desk clerk will provoke a whole new set of chatter as they try to figure out what’s so funny without ever stopping to listen for the answer.

Oh, wow.  That would be even funnier.

Talking talking talking talking talking.  So much blah blah blah

And I feel blah (blah blah).

And I get it.  I do.  It’s mesmerizing to hear your voice.  To learn its sound.  To hear words that come out that might be your ideas or might be a variation of someone else’s ideas but are out there.  You put them out there.  You gave them your voice.  And it’s especially mesmerizing when it’s new – when you are learning new things and meeting new people.

You know, like people do.  When they’re first-year students.  In a dorm.  Where I work.

I get it.

I just can’t deal with it when I know that the silence is waiting for me on the other side of the time clock.  When I can go home and breathe it in.  Breathe it out. Inhale.  Exhale.  Unwind.  Unclench. Where it will actually matter that Facebook is off or that I’m not on Pinterest.  When I can choose silence and actually have it choose me back.  When I will actually get the silence I’m seeking.  Where choosing silence actually works. Where I can go, as May Sarton phrased it in Journal of a Solitude, “to take up my ‘real’ life again.”

Is it this way for everyone?  The increased intentional silence a reminder of the glory of what everyday life could be (should be…must be)?  Does it make them yearn for quiet solitude to be the thing they do full-time rather than the thing they have to make time to do?  Do they feel even more unsatisfied than they usually feel with where their choices about how they make a living – make a life – have landed them?

In this way, silence has been a mixed bag for me this week.  I love it, but because I love it, I am more acutely aware of how much my life lacks it.  I am thus dissatisfied.  And restless.  And wistful.

Beauty – January Update

Beauty is my OneWord365 for this year.  Beauty and I are off to a slow start.

Part of the problem is that I don’t really know how to track beauty.  I have my trusty Pinterest board to help, but beauty is not necessarily a tangible thing.  Tangible things can be beautiful, but the beauty of a thing (or person) usually lies within its (or his/her) story.  And stories take time to unfold and be told.

What mainly trips me up, though, is my tendency to see things as not quite beautiful when they’re not quite done.  I want a nice, finished project.  And I see patterns and gaps pretty easily.  This is helpful, because the first step is admitting the problem, but it also gets me bogged down in details and what-could-bes, and I miss the beautiful moments.

I see:

1.  A day planned for writing wasted because I sliced my finger, and how ridiculously long it’s going to be to write this post without using that finger.  On the upside, I am a little impressed with myself at how fast I’m learning to type four-fingered with my left hand.

2.  A plan for Pilates ruined by an iffy stomach.  On the upside, I successfully recognized the trigger in time to avoid pushing it, thereby avoiding another nasty, week(s)-long episode of digestive woes. Plus, I got a nap and soup.

3.  A plan for a clean kitchen put on hold because of that ridiculous finger.  I’m not seeing an upside to this yet.  My kitchen is hideous and desperately in need of a scrub-down, y’all.

And that was just yesterday.

So apparently I’m going to learn to see beauty in the process this year.  Neat.

I also think there’s something to beauty as found through story, so I’m going to explore that.  I’m going to spend some time reading about beauty (Is reading a love language?  Because it totally should be).  The first four on the list are The Bluest Eye  by Toni Morrison, On Beauty by Zadie Smith, Child of my Heart by Alice McDermott, and She Walks in Beauty: a Woman’s Journey through Poems by Caroline Kennedy.

I’m also linking up with Amy Young’s Trusting Tuesdays.  Click over to read how others’ OneWord365 journeys are going!

Introducing…Brave!

The stage is ready.

The wobbly chair has been replaced.
The burned-out bulb has been changed.
Everything is set.

The audience is humming with social niceties and anticipation.
The announcer quiets them –
“And now – what you’ve all been waiting for – introducing….Brave!”

The curtains roll back, and the stage is empty.

The audience laughs.
“That’s clever,” they say.
“Brave wants us to think she has stage fright.”

They think it is all part of the act.

The laughter turns nervous as minutes pass and nothing changes.

Where is she?
The one who was up for anything
Who would try on any hat

Who was the first to step up to the mic
To step into the spotlight
To step out on the dance floor

Whose costume was see-through
In the right light
Who found that thrilling instead of terrifying

Who would have left the stage bare
So that she could choose her own entrance
And not leave it up to the curtain.

The joke of the faux-shy star would have been merely an afterthought.

Where is she?

She’s in her dressing room, throwing up.

She’s not sure if she’s sick from worrying whether she toned it down enough,
Or sick from what it says about the person she’s become that she toned it down at all.

This was my response to the prompt “Show me your brave” during tonight’s Story Sessions write-in. Show us your brave.  Join us.

I’m linking up with Lisa-Jo Baker today for Five-Minute Friday.  The word is encouragement.

What a great word.  It brings to mind a pouring in, a filling up of good things.  Things that will give you courage.  Things that will reward the nerve of you.  Things that cheer you on and tell you, “I like you, kid.  You’ve got moxie.”  And it’s a noun.  It’s not just the pouring in, filling up, building up.  It’s the state of doing it.  It’s the place where these actions are the norm, not the exception.

It freaks my little solitary heart right on out.

Because what if it ends?  Or rather, when it ends (because experience has taught me that it usually does)?  What then?

Encouragement is great…while it lasts. But when it goes, it leaves a hole.  A big, yawning, scary hole.  A hole that you warn children and pets to steer clear of, because they’ll tumble right in and break a clavicle or something.

And when it ends, you have to start all over again.  And you do.  Every time it ends.  Because once you’ve been to the magical land of encouragement, you aren’t satisfied living anywhere else.

I think I’ve figured out the key to staying there, though.  Have a whole lot of other people living there with you.  It’s a mistake to just have one person as your encouragement.  That’s too much pressure to put on one person, and sooner or later, this person will notice that s/he is trying to do the work of eleventy dozen people and run away.

You need an army.

If you are an introvert, I highly recommend that the bulk of this army be online.  If they’re all in person, you will be exhausted, and then you’ll be the one who wants to run away.

And there will be the hole.

With the darkness.

Maybe dragons.

But have an army.  Have people who are willing to fight for you, even when what they’re fighting against is the voice in your head telling you that you can’t go on or can’t do that thing your soul needs to do.

And be that person for them, too.  Encouragement works best when it’s shared.

Go see what some others have to say about encouragement.

Today, I had the honor of guest posting at Preston Yancey’s blog as part of his series on what women want from the Church.

I see that God works through the Church, but sometimes, I have anxiety about it. The Church deems much of what I see God doing as inappropriate. Hop over to Preston’s to read the rest.

Our Fudge Obsession

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The day after Thanksgiving is one of my favorite days of the year. After the feasting from the previous day, my family is still at my parents’ farm. We don’t go shopping. We don’t go to town to the Treasure Hunt. We play Christmas records, get out Christmas decorations, and make homemade candy.

Some of the candies change from year to year. Mom’s favorite is the Texas Millionaire. Aunt Gale’s favorite is Divinity (blech).

And we always have at least one type of fudge.

When we were little, my sister and I didn’t really like fudge. We weren’t fond of dark chocolate, and we were generally content with store-bought candy. This was unacceptable to my mother, so one year, she made Fantasy Fudge. It’s a light, milk chocolate fudge. I think she got the recipe off the back of the Marshmallow Creme jar. For a long time, it was my favorite.

As our tastes matured, we started to like Mom’s chocolate peanut butter fudge, which is very similar to this recipe. Her use of a variation of this fudge as the frosting to her chocolate cake probably helped us make that transition.

Yes. You read that right. My mom uses fudge to frost her chocolate cake. Go and do likewise, but make sure that you have a nice place to lie down afterward, because you’re going to need it.

Mom is particular about a lot of things, but the process of candy-making takes her pickiness to a whole new level. There is a right size and shape for every candy. There is a right way to pack them. And every year, she reminds me that the fudge has to get to exactly 235 degrees, or it won’t set up, and then we’ll be forced to eat it straight out of the pan with a spoon or slathered on macaroons or vanilla wafers. And wouldn’t that be terrible?

If by “terrible,” one means “glorious,” then yes. Yes, it certainly would.

And that is the beauty of fudge. It’s not difficult to learn to do well, but even if you mess up (assuming you don’t scorch it – that really is terrible), you’ve still got a pan of butter, chocolate, sugar, and cream, so the end result is going to be wonderful, no matter what it looks like.

If I’m making fudge for other people, I’ll make one of the recipes above. They’re both crowd-pleasers.

But if I’m making a special fudge treat just for me, I make it vegan, and I make it pour-able.

This recipe has many uses. It’s good on waffles. It’s good on fruit. And it’s amazing when poured over a chocolate espresso cake.

Vegan Hot Fudge

In a double boiler, whisk together and heat, stirring often:

  • 1 cup full-fat coconut milk
  • 1/2 cup baking cocoa

When it starts to steam like it’s about to boil, whisk in:

  • 4-6 Tbs (to taste) agave nectar (I also have used maple syrup or a simple syrup that I had left over from cocktail night)

At this point, if one were so inclined, one could stop and enjoy it as a nice drinking chocolate. One might also find this to be a pleasant addition to coffee.

But if you’re committed to hot fudge, stir in:

  • 1 Tbs coconut oil
  • 1 Tbs each of vanilla extract and bourbon (unless you’ve had the foresight to make your own bourbon vanilla. Then just add two tablespoons of that).

If you want a thicker sauce, add a little (1-2 tsp) cornstarch with the cocoa at the beginning.

Remove from heat and pour into a glass jar to cool. I imagine that it will keep in the fridge for about a month, but mine never lasts that long, so don’t hold me to that.

My hot fudge might be a fairly distant cousin of the fudge I grew up with, but it still brings back memories of home, family, and tradition.

I had a plan, and then…

This was the Story Sessions prompt:

“I need to be startlingly clear.  This thing of finding your authentic voice, expressing your blessed weirdness and revealing your soul isn’t an elegant process.  You don’t do it to be cool.  It’s only real when it is ruthless, relentless, and inevitable.  But it is also a matter of personal and collective survival.  Yes, it’s that important.  You are that critical.” – Jacob Nordby

So, as it is the first week of class, and this quote closely resembles the ideas I try to get across to my students all semester, I thought I knew what I wanted to say about it.  I outlined a grand post about the stages of the bumpy process of helping students go from being terrified of public speaking to finding something to say, and from there, discovering their own unique way of saying it. It wasn’t a bad post.  In fact, there was poetry involved.  It was a little fancy.

But as I was reading over my notes, I couldn’t bring myself to post them.  The words just felt flat.

It’s easy to hide behind what I’m helping others do.  But what about my authentic voice?  Do my students ever get to see into my soul?

Last night, I’m not sure they did.

Sure, it was the first night, so we were mostly just going over the syllabus.  Not a lot of opportunity for soul-baring there.

And sure, when I’m teaching at NCTC, I’m not just representing myself.  I am representing the college, too, and I have a responsibility to do it well, which means that saying what I really think is not always the most important – or even the most desirable – goal.

I had moments of authenticity.  I told them of my own struggles with overcoming speech anxiety, because I want them to know that I understand what they’re going through.  When discussing class rules, I was honest about my quirks.  I told them that I would stay two hours after class if they had legitimate questions about an assignment, but if the questions become a pitiful wheeze of don’t-wannas, they should not expect that conversation to end well.  I felt that it was only fair to warn them that I would have a hard time responding pleasantly to whining.

But for most of the class, I felt like I was reading a script that someone else wrote.  I told a lot of the same jokes that I have used the whole fifteen years that I have been teaching this class.  I did my love-of-cheese bit, even though I’m lactose intolerant now.  I confessed my nerdery regarding superhero movies, even though I haven’t seen any of the ones that have come out in that last few years, because all the people I used to see them with have moved away.

All my jokes are old, and telling them felt fake.

Don’t get me wrong.  The jokes still work.  More importantly, they serve a purpose.  They get laughs, which slice through some of the tension that tends to be pretty thick on the first day of a public speaking class. I could go through the whole semester, using the same lectures and the same assignments, the same examples and the same stories, and it would be just fine. The students would still learn. Some of them would even surprise themselves by liking it.

But I can’t help but wonder what would happen if I broke out of the rut.  What would my class be like if I rose to the same challenge that I gave my students?  What if I wrote new lectures, or asked different questions, or just admitted that I prefer TV to movies (because to care about a story, I need good character development, and two or three hours is usually not enough time to do it well)?

What if I expressed my own blessed weirdness?

This semester might get very interesting.

And Story 101, it’s all your fault.

(thank you)

Vanilla Coconut Waffles

My sister and brother-in-law got me a waffle-maker to replace Old Faithful that finally died a sad, smoky death early in the fall, so naturally, I was itching to use it.  What better way to do so than to introduce my first vegan treat of the year?

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Food photographer, I am not.  Ignore the towel.  Concentrate on the golden brown fluffiness.  Also, my vintage Fiestaware is super cute.

Moving on…

These waffles are the result of various trials and recipes.  I consulted this recipe from allrecipes.com and Mark Bittman’s How to Cook Everything to help guesstimate the ratio of the ingredients.  Then I deleted and substituted those ingredients to make them vegan.  Then I squinted and fussed and bent the ingredients to my will until the batter looked like it should and produced what I wanted.  I like a crisp waffle, but some people like them puffier, so if you’re one of said people, just beat the batter for an extra minute or two, and that will help it out.

I also flat-out ignored the piddly 1/2-teaspoon – 1 teaspoon nonsense with the vanilla.  I didn’t measure what I used exactly, but I did pour it like I was about to do a shot.

Vanilla Coconut Waffles

Yields 6-7 waffles

1.  Preheat waffle iron and brush with coconut oil.

2.  Sift together:

  • 2 cups AP flour (I’ve also done these with whole wheat, but ease up on it if you do – 1 3/4 cup at most)
  • 3 teaspoons baking powder
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt

3.  In a separate bowl, mix together:

  • 1/2 cup Earth Balance (I use soy free) or coconut oil (my personal preference), melted and cooled
  • 1 tablespoon of sugar
  • 1 3/4 – 2 cups (start with 1 3/4 and add more if the batter looks too thick at final mix) full-fat coconut milk
  • 1 healthy dose (around 1 1/2 tablespoons…or to taste.  Whatever.) vanilla extract

4.  Mix the contents of both bowls together, adding more coconut milk if the batter looks too thick (i.e., moves more like molasses than waffle batter).

5.  Stir in about a cup of shaved coconut (I use unsweetened, but sweetened is fine, too).  Mix thoroughly.

6.  Pour onto waffle iron.  When it stops steaming, it’s done!

I love breakfast, and I especially love these waffles.  They are a quick fix, and they freeze beautifully.  Enjoy!

Today is the first day that I’m back at work.  I am glad no one was here to see me coo at these little fellows who greeted me once I got my computer hooked back up.  That would have been awkward.  It was an exuberant cooing.

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(This is a snapshot of my computer screen. Sadly, I was not present to take the original photo, and I would give proper credit to the person who had the good fortune to be near enough to these little guys to take the picture, but the photo/website has since been taken down, so the world will never know the identity of this lucky, lucky person.)

Seriously.  Look at the face!  And the puffy, stubby tail!  I love everything about red pandas.

Anyway…back to the topic at hand…

Last year, I finally admitted to myself what I want to do with my life.  I want to write.  I want to be published.  I want to spend my days staring at a computer screen and writing terrible first drafts and editing like mad and watching those terrible first drafts become something I would actually let another human being read.  So three of my five 100s are related to this goal:

1.  One hundred books read

Just as I would not trust a pastry chef who never ate cake, I also don’t trust writers who don’t read.  It teaches me.  Reading Elmore Leonard is how I learned to write dialogue that didn’t just sound like my characters puppeting my own voice.  Reading poetry is a reminder to be picky about word choice, particularly when editing.  Reading is vital to writing well.

2.  One hundred thousand words written

I will finish Fishbowl this year.  I will finish Fishbowl this year.  I will finish Fishbowl this year.

I am committing to writing at least 100,000 words toward fiction or poetry – projects that, ultimately, I would like to submit for publication.  This might seem like a lot, but really, it’s only double the goal for NaNoWriMo, and I’ve been known to do that in just one month.  It’s less than 10,000 a month.  It’s 275 words a day.  This post is going to be longer than 275 words, and it will only take me about half an hour to finish it.  An average of half an hour a day spent on fiction or poetry is not a lot.  So surely, I can reach it.

3.  One hundred blog posts

Now that I’ve actually managed to start keeping up with a blog again (and by “keeping up,” I do mean “I have posted at least once a month for a year.”  Don’t get your expectations all raised.), I remember how helpful it is to have a place where I speak in just my voice, not through the voice of a character.  It helps me differentiate between the two.  It helps me edit.

It also keeps me connected to people, which is important because I sometimes forget to do this on my own.  I don’t have a lot of followers, but I do have a faithful few.  And I appreciate you all!

So those are my word-related goals. If you want to follow my reading list, you can follow/friend me on Goodreads.  I will try to post an update here once a month in order to keep track of the other two goals.

Next, there’s my health situation.  Last year was a healthier year than the one before, as I successfully avoided the emergency room, but there is still room for improvement.  I still don’t know what’s going on with my digestive system (my doctor has suggested a full scan, so that’s a fun thing I get to do this month), but we’ve narrowed it down enough to identify some things that trigger my episodes, and the main offender seems to be lactose.  Sad times.  I love me some lactose – specifically, cheese.  Fortunately, most of the time, if I don’t overdo it, I can offset the problem with a couple of enzymes in pill form.  There are, therefore, very few items I have to give up entirely.  Cheesecake is one of them.  Never again.  Cheesecake is delicious, but there’s not a cheesecake in the world that is worth what I went through last month, and there’s not a pill in the world that can compensate for the ridiculous amount of dairy in a slice of cheesecake.

But even though taking a pill is an option, I don’t wanna.  I don’t want to have to take a pill every time I eat something.  That’s not what a proper solution looks like to me.  So my fourth resolution is:

4.  One hundred vegan recipes, tried and successfully eaten without taking a pill or getting sick

This will ensure at least 300 meals, snacks, or treats for which I will not have to medicate.  I estimate an average of three servings out of most recipes, as most of them are written for at least four people, so an average of three will offset the count for the relatively few recipes that are single-serving.  To keep track of this goal, I have created a Pinterest board where I will post pictures and recipes that I have tried and successfully managed sans pill assistance.

And last but not least, my One Word for 2014 – beauty.  I am looking for it.  I’m not sure what I’ll find.  I’m not even sure what to call it when I do.  Pictures of beauty?  Examples of beauty?  Ideas about beauty?  I imagine that I will be writing about beauty, but I don’t want to stifle discovery by limiting expectations.  I want to remain open to whatever I need to learn from it.  So here’s the last goal:

5.  One hundred moments of beauty

I have also created a Pinterest board to track this goal, so we’ll see how that works out.  My first wordy post about beauty is on the board, along with a picture of one of the beautiful things in my apartment that doesn’t get much use as it was originally intended but is still beautiful nonetheless.

So that’s my year.  What do you hope for your year to be?

Beauty

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Beauty is my one word for 2014. As soon as I knew that beauty was what I was dealing with, it started popping up everywhere. I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s no mystery why poets and writers and lovers and prophets and dreamers are obsessed with beauty – she is fragile and elusive and strong and everywhere. There’s such a wealth of words to say about this one word, beauty. So I chose a few beloved others to help me start my year of saying it.

“She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies,
And all that’s best of dark and bright
Meets in her aspect and her eyes;
Thus mellow’d to that tender light
Which Heaven to gaudy day denies.”
– Lord Byron –

Beauty hidden
The most beautiful aspect of a scene or person is rarely what’s out in front – what sees the light of day. It’s usually something that takes a little time and a measure of gentleness to find. I hope this year teaches me to slow down enough to see beauty.

“Beauty – be not caused – It Is –
Chase it, and it ceases –
Chase it not, and it abides -”
– Emily Dickinson –

Beauty found
Beauty is hard (impossible?) to manufacture. Oh, but we try. Our culture spends billions of dollars a year, chasing beauty, trying to force her hand. Trying to make her show herself to us. Trying to make her happen. And when something we make is beautiful, we think we’ve succeeded, but the truth is that we just uncovered the beauty that was there all along. I hope this year teaches me to find beauty.

“To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.”
– Isaiah 61:3 (KJV) –

Beauty redeemed
I sort of cheated last year. I didn’t figure out my one word until May. And it was not really one word. It was more a set of various words within a theme. Bravery. Courage. Risk. And looking back, that’s what the year was. It was a good year. It was a year when I took back my life (still not clear from whom or from what, but I am sure that now it is MINE). It was a year of making hard and scary choices. And I learned that scary choices are exhilarating and exhausting. Scary choices taught me that they are worth it – they will always teach you something – but that sometimes, the best choice isn’t the scary one. Sometimes what feels like fear is your brain saying, “Hey – that’s actually a bad idea.” Burning bridges and burning out will teach you where that line is. It will also leave you with a lot of ashes. Somewhere in those ashes, there is beauty. And I’m past ready to see her emerge from them.

“…it was a forbidden object…a useless and therefore a self-indulgent one. I asked her what purpose it served, and she told me, It doesn’t do anything obvious. But it might be able to do something in here. Then she touched her hand to her heart. Beautiful things sometimes do.
– Veronica Roth, Allegient –

Beauty transforms
This is the hardest part to articulate. How will beauty change me? And please, oh please, let it do so. But how? What will it look like? Will I even recognize it? I hope so.

“Let the beauty we love be what we do.”
– Rumi –

Beauty does
There is a push inside of me to be more than an observer. To be the catalyst. To stop waiting for what I do to be noticed. To do the things (good things – no nefarious plots afoot, just to be clear) that cannot be ignored.

“Let the beauty we love be what we do.” YES.

This is the year of beauty.

Some of the most beautiful people I know, I met here – Story Sessions.