M. Suzanne Terry

Where I Live

July 4, 2015 by Suzanne

I have noticed my attitude about my neighborhood changing lately. And I am grateful.

Yes, it’s loud. Yes, that’s annoying.

Yes, it gets the short end of the stick (I’m looking at you, impending DME Substation. By “Other sites…weren’t viable,” they do seem to mean, “Other neighborhoods would have cost too much money to demolish. Let’s screw the low-income people.” Or at least that’s how it looks.)

It’s also multicultural. The loud music that vibrates my windows? I never know what it’s going to be. It could be country or bachata or rap. All of these things (and everything in between) ring through my neighborhood on a daily basis. And I think I’m the minority in my apartment building (numerically speaking, at least. The socio-cultural essence of minority status has little to do with the numbers).

It’s also within walking distance from my main job. That’s pretty convenient, even if I never, ever walk. Because Texas. And construction.

I dream of having a house with a yard so I can garden and have a grill. I would love to have room for a piano (and also a home with a ground floor on which to put it). I covet other people’s pantries and kitchens. But I have everything I need in my little apartment, and lately, I have found it charming.

So I’m going to stop procrastinating when it comes to things like putting up the towel rack in the bathroom and the coat rack by the door. I’m going to sweep off her stoop and buy her a new doormat. I am going to buy frames and hang more pictures. For the foreseeable future, I’m going to make my apartment my home.

Posted in Fun, Getting It Together | Leave a Comment »

Maybe Belonging

July 3, 2015 by Suzanne

I love my church, especially lately.

(My first offering – macaroons for Easter)

I have loved them from the beginning, but there have been difficulties. It has been hard to socialize with them. I shoulder most of the blame for this – I am often a difficult person to get to know. I am a pretty extreme introvert; I’m not a hermit, but I sometimes fantasize about being one. In most situations, I overcome this by adjusting socially with what a friend once called my “politician self” – the part of myself that is vital for working in customer service or teaching public speaking. While this more gregarious version of me is a real part of who I am, I want my church to know my deeper self, too, and that has been a challenge.

It’s also the first liturgical church I’ve attended with any regularity. Even though I’ve been in church my whole life, I feel like I’m brand new at it. I don’t know the creeds by heart, and I don’t recognize most of the hymns. The hymns I do recognize often have different verse than I grew up singing. Most of the time, the changes are sweet to my ears, but I really miss the verse of Oh, For A Thousand Tongues To Sing that ends “…and leap, ye lame, for joy.”

We are also predominantly white (I didn’t know I could belong to a whiter church than I have in the past, yet here I am.). I’m not sure why. But neither are they, and they aren’t afraid to talk about it or question it. I have never been a part of a group that has such civil discussions while at the same time refusing to shy away from hard subjects. I’ve never been in a church before where the prayers are always in touch with what is going on in the world. We pray, we lament, we mourn, and we discuss what our response will be. We don’t hide from uncomfortable truths.

These are not just words whispered in private conversations; they are mentioned from the pulpit. For most of my church life, I have had to practice the art of biting my tongue while clinging desperately to the commonality of Jesus in order not to be asked to leave. As you might imagine, I’m not great at it. When I would get too comfortable and forget to keep a thought to myself, the best I could hope for would be a bless-her-heart, pat-on-the-head tolerance or eyes filled with annoyance. I could expect accusations of stubbornness or assumptions of ignorance or looks of pity, for clearly, they thought, I was being deceived.

This church is the first place where the results of my prayers and my convictions are often the norm or are at least similar to those of other members, even the ones who have been to seminary. This is probably arrogant, but after decades of being told or having it implied that I am wrong or sinful for hearing from God the way that I do, it is IMMENSELY gratifying to say, “This is what I think…” and have someone who has studied the Bible with the intensity of preparing to teach it to others reply, “I agree.”

This is not to say that we always agree. And that’s really how they won me over. As satisfying as agreement on most things has been, it is even sweeter to hear, “I don’t agree, but tell me more. What brought you to that conclusion?” To not be dismissed or merely tolerated is heaven.

I love the observance of the seasons and their involvement with my Denton that I love. But it’s their sweetness and acceptance that have captured my heart.

Posted in Church | Leave a Comment »

What I’m Into – June 2015

July 2, 2015 by Suzanne

Every year, June tries to make me love summer. It doesn’t succeed, but it’s persistent in its effort. This summer it almost had me.

I mean – just look at it –

June, you gorgeous thing.

Of course, now the temperatures are climbing, and I’m in a constant state of being a snack for bugs, so any potential goodwill I had toward summer is now out the window. But June tried. Oh, it tried!

I started the month off at my parents’ farm. I originally planned the trip to help with their planters, but they had already finished the ones they are going to put out this year by the time I got there. So I helped them watch TV and eat a lot of food. I am very helpful in both those regards. It was such a relaxing week.

I saw two movies in the theater this month. Of course, I had to go see Pitch Perfect 2. It was pretty funny. Before I went to see it, my friend Kim said, “I just want to say two words – We Belong. Best part.” It really was. I laughed and laughed. I also went to see Spy. It was hilarious, but that’s not even the thing I liked most about it. When I read that Melissa McCarthy was cast as an agent, I expected the movie to make her out to be this bumbling, lovable character who succeeds despite her incompetence. But no. She kicked ass. They specifically cast someone who doesn’t fit the physical stereotype of the role and then make her awesome at it. Also, Jason Statham is adorable and funny. Favorite thing I’ve seen in a theater in a long time.

It has been a roller coaster of a news month. Between the police incident in McKinney and the shooting in Charleston and all consenting adults actually being able to marry the consenting adult of their choice in all 50 states and black churches burning…whew. I really have to get a computer at home again, because my poor little phone just can’t keep up. I’m going to write more about this tomorrow, but this month, I’m really into my church. The way they have brought these stories to the foreground of our discussions and have not shied away from the parts that make us uneasy and constantly ask what work we have to do – I just love it there.

Another wonderful thing that happened this month is a little cherub named Savvy turned three:

She started out pretty subdued at her party, but before long, she was a little burst of joy:

I just love that giggle.

I read so much this month. Most of the things I read has some sort of justice theme running through them, which seems fitting. My favorite novels were Dreams of Gods and Monsters by Laini Taylor (AMAZING end to this trilogy) and Peaches for Father Francis by Joanne Harris. I also bathed in the poetry of Nayyirah Waheed – Salt was my favorite collection.

My dad and I bond over The Chew, so I took a couple of Carla Hall’s cookbooks with me when I visited. I liked Cooking with Love, but I liked Carla’s Comfort Foods better. I blame her for my newfound obsession with tarragon (particularly in a lemon cream sauce). And if I ever meet her, I’m going to thank her for teaching me what no one else in my life has before – how to get perfect rice by baking it. Did any of you know how to do this and just not tell me? It’s so simple, and it makes so much sense (basically, bring water and rice to a boil and then cover it and put it in a 350-degree oven to steam). How have I lived this long and not known this?!

You can see more of what I’ve read this month (and this year, for that matter) at my Goodreads page.

My favorite thing about this June is that it has been infused with dance.

I read Twyla Tharp’s The Creative Habit, and seventeen pages of notes later, all these stories of dance have kicked my writing life back into gear. I am going to be processing it for a long time.

As always, I am loving So You Think You Can Dance. I haven’t made it through all the auditions yet, because I keep rewatching the ones I like. I get so excited for them when they get that ticket to Vegas!

And I don’t know if you heard me squealing with delight all the way from where you are, but Misty Copeland, one of my favorite dancers of all time, became the first black female principal dancer of the American Ballet Theater.

This June made a beautiful case for summer.

I’m linking up with Leigh Kramer – come join us and tell us what your June was like!

Posted in Books, Church, Dance, Food, Fun, What I'm Into | 4 Comments »

Rhythms

June 30, 2015 by Suzanne

I finished Twyla Tharp’s The Creative Habit this weekend. I took seventeen pages of notes, mostly on ideas and scenes for my current and budding works in progress. It’s one of the best books on creativity I’ve read in a long time.

One of the many nuggets of advice that stick out to me was Tharp’s admonition to “protect your inexperience.” She encourages artists – whether they be dancers, musicians, actors, writers, etc. – to rotate the categories of their art. This protects them from stagnation by challenging them to learn something new or practice a slightly different skill set.

This makes a lot of sense. I am more productive when I switch gears on a regular basis. To that end, I have reviewed my writing journals, and I discovered that my most productive months were those in which my daily schedule or the season changed and I allowed my writing schedule to change with it. I want to become more intentional about doing so.

My writing tasks generally divide themselves into four main categories: transition, beauty, intensity, and rest.

Transition

My transitions months are January, May, and October. During January, after a long break from work and looking forward to a new semester, I am energized and hopeful about the upcoming year. During May, I spend the first half of the month finalizing grades and closing down residence halls and the second half of the month starting summer conferences or taking a break. During October, I participate in 31 Days to help myself transition to the discipline of writing every day that I will need to churn out 50,000 words on a new project in November.

Transition months involve a lot of analysis and organization. These months lend themselves best to planning and outlining. I also tend to churn out a lot of essays and dive into projects during these months.

Beauty

In February, June, and December, I am obsessed with beauty. February usually brings our first snow, which I love. June is the month where summer tries to woo me – tries to convince me that this year, things will be different and that we will get along. December is magic; it’s Advent and anticipation and tradition.

I tend to write more descriptively, and I tend to write more poetry during these months. It’s no accident that these months come right after my transitional project/planning months. Once the planning is done or the project underway, I start looking for beauty in the results.

Intensity

April, July, and November are intense. November is NaNoWriMo, the time every year when I try to churn out 50,000 words on a new project. April and July are also intense writing months when I write every day on one or several current projects.

I average about 3,000 words a day when I’m in intense mode. This rate is not sustainable for me all year, but for a few months out of it, that is most of what I do. I am the most scarce on social media during these months (unless I’m procrastinating, and then you get a lot of cat pictures and quizzes about what kind of tree I must be), and most of the blog posts you see during these months are ones I’ve written ahead of time and scheduled.

Rest

March, August, and September are creative rest. March is the middle of the spring semester when my students (and okay – also their professor) get the -itis – summer is in sight, and their attention span shows it. August and September are the beginning of the school year. I am not only starting a new semester with my classes, but I am also welcoming hundreds of new freshmen to UNT. These are the months when my work life doesn’t leave a lot of time for the work of writing.

Rest is not a shutdown – there is actually a lot going on when we rest. We are restoring and rejuvenating to recoup from the past and prepare for the future. I do a lot of what Twyla Tharp calls “scratching” during this time. I take notes on things that inspire me, I listen to more music, and I read more books on creating (writing, cookbooks, how-to in general). My Pinterest boards blow up during this time. I do these things at other times as well, of course, but they seem to be my focus during the months when I’m resting.

Recognizing rhythms is freeing. As much as I know in my head that the “write every day” advice doesn’t work for me, I still often feel anxious during months when I’m not working on an unfinished manuscript. Recognizing that I get more done when I write according to what works for me relieves a lot of that anxiety.

Posted in Books, Writing | Leave a Comment »

Supermouth

June 23, 2015 by Suzanne

A friend once said that one of my strengths was “unlocking a conversation and cutting right to the heart of a matter.” Years later, these words still stick out in my mind, because I needed to hear that back then. I always worried that, in my concern with details, I talked around everything too much, causing people to lose interest before I ever got to the point. It was nice to hear that at least one person was able to stick it out until the end.

Then I became a public speaking instructor, and it became my job to get to the point. I became good at it, and I became good at teaching other people to do it. The fear subsided.

Now I work with college students all the time. I still teach part-time, but even in the full-time job when I’m not officially an educator, I am surrounded by people whose focus (for the most part) is processing information and figuring out how they fit into the world. As the token adult in the room (although technically, the term “adult” applies to everyone), I am often a sounding board to help them gauge how well they’re doing it (and whether they are crossing lines). There are also whispers and low voices in corners that they think I can’t hear, but they are not good at being sneaky yet, so that often becomes a learning opportunity, too.

They are used to me having something to say when issues of oppression arise. They expect me to be Supermouth. This expectation is both welcome and terrifying. I’m glad to do it, but it’s a big responsibility, and I’m not always great at it. Sometimes, we stumble through together. Mostly, though, they just listen. This is another thing that is both good and problematic.

I have a new fear.

When something happens on campus or in the world that demands notice – a rape, a suicide, irresponsible political statements about immigration, a collapsed mine or sweatshop factory that killed underpaid workers, a black girl thrown to the ground by someone she should have been able to trust to respond better, nine black people gunned down in their place of worship – they are learning to have conversations. But when someone in the room talks about something controversial or says something off-color, they all pause and look at me. I am happy to speak, but I am concerned that they are relying on me to do the speaking. I am afraid they are letting things slide – you know, the way my friends and I at that age would often let things slide – when I’m not around.

Because that’s a big part of the problem. We – both historically and currently – let things slide when there’s not a Supermouth present to confront these events and call them what they are –

Racism.

Sexism.

Heterosexism (and, um, WordPress, I’m gonna need you to recognize that as a word. It’s not new.).

A small part of me wants to remind myself that I did the same thing when I was their age. A larger part of me wants to add “…but that doesn’t make it okay.” A larger part of me is both guilty of allowing important words to go unsaid and sorry that I can’t take it back, and I don’t want that to be their story twenty years from now when they’re the Supermouth in the room. I want them to succeed where we have failed. I want to believe that it’s not too late for us to change.

I will still speak up, but I am also learning to ask the question, “What do you have to say about that?”

Posted in Hope, Revolution, Work | Leave a Comment »

Charleston

June 18, 2015 by Suzanne

Grieving. Charleston, I am not there with you, but I’m praying with you.

If you need a liturgy, I recommend Reverend Wil Gafney and Nayyirah Waheed’s salt. This article lists the names of the deceased.

Pray their names.

Some are praying for peace. My prayers sound more like the Psalmist’s – “Peace can wait, God. Go on and shatter his teeth.” I want this guy dealt with.

I would pray restoration, but…restore to what? As long as black churches have existed in our country, they have been under attack. When it comes to safety for the black community, there aren’t any good old days to go back to. This is not an isolated event. This terrorism is woven into the thread of our country. I’m praying for scissors to cut the thread.

God – bring down heaven, and teach me how to help.

To give financial support, visit the church’s website.

Posted in Lament | Leave a Comment »

Apologies and Kindness

June 13, 2015 by Suzanne

I was encouraged by this report of Matt Chandler’s apology to Karen Hinckley. I don’t agree with Matt Chandler on a lot of things, but that apology? That’s how it’s done.

Logically, it’s so simple. Admit what you did. Listen to how it affected them. Apologize without qualification or an attempt to justify your behavior.

In reality, though, it’s a challenge to apologize in a way that doesn’t make it worse.

It’s hard to just say “I was wrong” without saying “But this is what I meant…so you’re also mistaken.” The latter statement has no place in a real apology. It reveals that the words “I’m sorry” were more of a compliance to others’ expectation of a mea culpa rather than personal recognition that an apology was in order.

It’s sometimes difficult to know when an apology is needed. As a woman (and to compound it – a woman raised Southern), “I’m sorry!” is a default I’m still trying to unlearn. I hate to cause offense. HATE. IT. So sometimes I apologize, but when I think about it later, there wasn’t really anything to apologize for. This happens most often when I’m being assertive (which is approximately 92% of the time – because INTJ) but because I’m female and we’re “supposed” to be nice and accommodating, it’s seen as aggression. Then I get mad, particularly when the person to whom I apologized is a male who is often verbally aggressive (I know – not all men. Not even most of the men I know. Let’s move on. Not everything is about you.) and sees no need to ever apologize for his behavior. I am learning that there are at least two sides to kind communication – the responsibility to speak as kindly as possible but also the responsibility to perceive others as kindly as possible. Both are important, because assuming the worst possible interpretation of someone’s behavior shuts down dialogue just as quickly as saying insensitive or thoughtless things does.

But eventually, it is pretty clear when I’m being tone-policed and when I’m being an ass. I am learning to assess the reality of my behavior regardless of its intention. Because that’s what counts. When I abuse or deny the privileges I have in society, it doesn’t matter if I’m merely doing it out of ignorance; it matters that I’m doing it. When I misjudge an interpersonal situation and react without full knowledge of the other person’s position (again – out of ignorance), it doesn’t matter that I didn’t intend to be wrong (and why would I ever intend that); it matters that I was.

A third side to kindness? Learning when and how to apologize.

Posted in Feminism, Hope, Roots | Leave a Comment »

Shelf Frenzy

June 12, 2015 by Suzanne

I was sitting in my living room on Tuesday night, minding my own business. When I got up to get another cup of tea, I glanced at the bookshelf nearest to my entryway – the one with all the espresso cups and knick-knacks that generally serve no purpose but looking cute and collecting dust – and I felt the familiar pull of change. I don’t typically like change…except when it comes to reorganizing. Especially when it comes to bookshelves.

Two hours later, I had piles of books all around the living room, waiting to find their new place on the shelves.

I started with the knick-knack shelf, making space on it. I moved the espresso cups to the kitchen drawer with the others. I took most of the pictures off the shelf and picked places to hang them on the walls or prop them up in other places:

The main thing that needed to find a new home were the boxes of CDs, but that was easy enough:

That left a lot of space for books.

Next, I started moving cookbooks, foodie fiction, and foodie memoirs – basically anything that might have a recipe in it – to the newly empty-ish shelf. There was a dilemma. Its shelves are not as deep or tall as the larger shelves from whence they came. So some of the books were either too tall or too wide (or both) to fit in the new space.

I found a place for them, but it definitely turned a small job into a huge one. Cue more piles. And a second night of rearranging.

After about three hours of work on Wednesday night, I finally had the shelf like I want it:

(This is as light as I could get it. It was late, y’all.)

If you look on the left in that picture, you can see the large pile of books I’m giving away. That might be the biggest accomplishment of this mini-project. It’s hard to give books away. So long, dear friends.

My arms are so sore, but my shelves are so cute. Worth it.

Posted in 100 Days of Undoing, Getting It Together | 2 Comments »

Broken Record

June 9, 2015 by Suzanne

This post is going to feel like a broken record. Or maybe it’s just me – I feel like a broken record.

Part of me wants to spend my first day back from vacation doing what I do best – navel-gazing and talking about food. I don’t know that I need to say anything about that police officer’s behavior in McKinney, but if my choice of risk is between saying too much and saying too little, I do know what side I want to land on. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, let me sum up – the world is broken and awful. I don’t even know if there’s anything left to say about the McKinney situation that hasn’t already been said by people who understand what it’s like to watch that video and still hear people wonder what the whole story is.

When it comes to analyzing the situation as a whole – why the police were called, who did things right, who did things wrong – sure. Get the whole story. I suspect that it will still reveal that when it comes to race, community, and police relations, there is still work to be done. Saying that doesn’t mean that I hate McKinney and think everyone who lives there are unwashed racist miscreants. It just means that I have some hope that doing better is possible.

I also find hope in the courage shown by some of those kids. My ideal world is a place where everyone has friends like that.

But when you talk about the girl…don’t tell me to look at the other side of that story. Nope. Not gonna happen.

PSA to grown men everywhere – HANDS OFF THE TEENAGE GIRLS. You may think you have a good reason, but let me make it simple for you. No. You do not. Unless you are personally saving her from a burning building or pushing her out of the path of a moving vehicle, do not touch her without her permission (and if she’s below the age of consent, even with her permission most types of touches are not okay). He verbally attacked her, and when she responded in kind, he physically attacked her, flinging her to the ground and kneeling on top of her. What possible other-side scenario makes that an acceptable course of action? A grown ass man laying his hands on a girl in a violent way (or in any way, for that matter) is completely inappropriate – and in most cases, criminal – behavior. There is no other side to the story that changes that. Just….DON’T.

Good police officers everywhere – this man assaulted her, and he did it in uniform, providing the whole world with yet another place to point when they tell their kids that sometimes they can’t trust the police. When you defend him or dismiss it with an attitude of “well, yeah, that can happen sometimes,” you give them another place to point. Even if he had been a great cop in every other situation in his career, that is irrelevant in this story. In this case he was not. This time, he failed to live up to the exemplary standard that you risk your life to live up to. He dishonored you. Good cop friends, I am livid, and I don’t understand why you aren’t. My expectation is that when things get out of hand like that, my good cop friends would be the first to stand and say, “That’s not what a police officer is supposed to do, and that’s not okay.” You want me to trust you? Stop siding with the bullies instead of the bullied. I hope that you can turn this narrative around, but I can’t do it for you. It has to come from you.

I have hope, but it’s buried under a lot of frustration.

Edited to add: The police chief’s response. I have a little more hope today.

Posted in Rants | 2 Comments »

What I’m Into – May 2015

May 31, 2015 by Suzanne

Well, hello! I am coming to you halfway through my decadent two weeks off from work. I’m actually sitting in the office now, but I am not above crawling under the desk if I see someone peer in.

(Just kidding, Housing. I’ll go see what they want and direct them accordingly.)

Unpopular opinion of the month: I’m totally into this rain. Yes, it has mosquito-ed up the joint, and it has been dangerous in places. It was actually flooding so much that my mom called the Thursday before Mother’s Day and said, “Don’t come home this weekend. We’re flooded in.” I do hate when my plans are thwarted, but I love the rain. I’m going to be sad to see it go, for it will be replaced by a heat that rivals the pit of Hell.

May is always a weird month.

The first part of the month is crazy – last two weeks of school, closing down the building, etc. Our hall won Hall of the Year. I’m so excited for them. They worked so hard; I’m glad it was recognized. I also won an award at the final staff meeting – Best Sarcasm. Heh. They know me well. We also decorated mason jars. Mine became a vase:

The last half of the month? Awesome and easy. We got everything filed away last week, trained for summer, and made the summer schedule. Then I got to hang out with some Story Sisters and drink wine with Michelle.

This week? Staycation. Happy. I have made four (four!) trips to the recycling bins. I feel very productive. Also, I have not gotten out of bed earlier than 9:00 any day this week.

I have read more than usual this month. My favorites were Wicked by Gregory Maguire (I know – it’s about time) and Citizen by Claudia Rankine (READ IT). Goodreads keeps reminding me that I’m 19 books behind schedule, but what Goodreads doesn’t know is that it’s summer now, and summer is my big reading season. Prepare to be amazed, Goodreads.

Well, I’m off for another week. I might peck out a post on my cell phone, but I make no promises.

I’m linking up with Leigh Kramer. Come tell us what you’re into!