M. Suzanne Terry

This post has been edited from its original form to exclude extraneous, navel-gazey drivel and include commentary from Witty Guy, who actually became a fun online friend.

Let’s say that you have a lot of time on your hands, and the world wide web at your disposal.

Let’s say that, in your urge to entertain yourself, you weave through the labyrinth that is livejournal, through your interests and friends…and through people who share those interests and friends.

Let’s say that, in said weavings, you run across a witty friend of a friend of a coworker’s dog (or something like that).

Let’s say that this new-found witty guy (oh…didn’t I mention he was male? No? Huh. Must’ve slipped my mind) also happens to be fairly attractive. Scruffy, even. Right up your alley.

[WG: Aw, shucks. I’m blushing. I’m a little upset that I’ve never been told that you like my face, since that’s apparently your go-to move. But whatevs.]

Let’s say that he also posted his address. In a public post. And he’s local…ish.

[WG: Ah, back when I was young and stupid. Why…]

Let’s say that you comment on this wealth of information that is, quite literally, at your fingertips in your livejournal, say something like “rawr,” and then promptly forget about it (you do, after all, have a short attention span).

[WG: HA! I forgot about that. I don’t remember you flirting, though. You were like, “Dude. Your address is showing.” I thought you were bossy. I remember being offended. 
Me: That’s an accurate assessment. I do enjoy being bossy. You took it down, though, so apparently you like being bossed. I regret nothing. And I probably saved your life. So YOU’RE WELCOME.]

Fast forward one week or so.

Let’s say that you are engaged in a conversation with the coworker (whose friend is Witty Guy’s friend) about online communities, and you mention that you have a livejournal and tell him/her your screenname.

Let’s say that this same coworker, whilst actually reading your livejournal (which people seldom do even if they say they will, so this was surprising.) runs across the post wherein you mentioned the scruffy hotness that is Witty Guy.

[WG: Really? I always read people’s blogs when I say I’m going to.
Me: Me, too. I think we’re outliers, though.
WG: We would be.]

Let’s say that this very same coworker suddenly develops a need to meet with you for coffee.

Let’s say that you have a coffee fetish and, thus, readily agree.

Let’s say that you show up at the agreed-upon coffee shop and scan the room for Coworker.

Let’s say that you see him/her.

Let’s say that s/he is not alone.

[WG: Oo! Is it me?!]

Let’s say that there is someone scruffy and, judging by the way Coworker is laughing, witty sitting at the table with him/her.

[WG: It is! It’s me!]

Let’s say that you consider fleeing, but don’t. Because hey – you could really use a cup of coffee right about now.

Let’s say that you wave to your sneaky traitor of a coworker and nonverbally indicate that you’re going to order coffee and seek to regain feeling in your legs.

Let’s say that Coworker cheerfully waves back, and his/her companion turns around.

Let’s say that this moment is glorious but did nothing for your legs.

[WG: You like my face. 
Me: I did.
WG: It’s ok. You can say it.
Me: …
WG: You don’t have to, though. We both know it’s true.
Me: ...literally just said…never mind.]

Let’s say that you stumble dart walk normally to the counter and order a bottomless cup of coffee.

Let’s say that, while waiting for your cup, you are simultaneously planning something witty to say to Witty Guy and plotting the demise of Coworker.

Let’s say that you get your coffee and walk to the table.

Let’s say that you manage to sit down without spilling anything on yourself or others.

Let’s say that Coworker claimed to have forgotten that s/he had plans with both of you, so s/he decided to just combine said plans.

Let’s say that Coworker is a horrible liar, and it’s clear that both you and Witty Guy understand this. *cue raised eyebrows and knowing glances*

[WG: Least sneaky person ever.]

Let’s say that Witty Guy’s online picture does not do him justice at all.

[WG: You like my…
Me: Stop being needy.]

Let’s say that you, on the other hand, didn’t even bother to comb your hair before arrival.

[WG: I don’t remember this. Your hair looked fine. Probably.]

Let’s say that Witty Guy, it turns out, is also Kind Guy, and doesn’t seem to mind.

[WG: Oblivious guy. Who possibly wasn’t looking at your hair.]

Let’s say that, lucky for Coworker, you all have a very, very good time drinking many, many cups of coffee.

[WG: So much coffee.]

Let’s say that, although there was talk of “doing this again sometime,” there was no actual exchange of contact information.

Let’s say that, after Witty Guy leaves, Coworker huffs at you, “Why didn’t you ask for his phone number?”

Let’s say that sometimes you use sarcasm to avoid confrontation and that this is one of those times, so you quip, “Why do I need his phone number? I already have his address.”

[WG: OMG LOL]

Let’s say that Coworker thinks you’re serious and actually says, “You know, that’s a good point. You could just show up at his house. That would be cool!” Coworker might have then launched into a game plan for doing this mad, mad thing.

[WG: Um…]

Let’s say that you assure Crazy Coworker With Apparent Stalker Tendencies that you were joking and, just for the record, mention that such behavior would be wrong and bad. You might also have accidentally called Coworker “creepy and weird.”

[WG: You already knew that about this person, though, right?]

Let’s say that Coworker is now determined *cough*stubborn*cough* that showing up at Witty/Kind Guy’s house is the one and only way that you will ever see him again.

[WG: Thanks for not doing that. That would have been weird. Probably. I mean, maybe. You’re pretty nice. And I did put my address on the internet. Maybe I would have been okay with it.
Me: It would have been weird.
WG: Yeah. Probably.]

What would you say should be done next?

[WG: Was one of the answers “lecture me about internet safety?” If so…then check.
Me: No, my livejournal flist mostly just lol-ed and recommended that I wait for you to contact me. Also not my strong suit. Ergo the blog follow and slow, normal getting to know you on the internet. As a person does.
WG: I remember reading this post, having no idea it was about me.
Me: …you really are oblivious, aren’t you?
WG: Lol yeah. Well, thanks for not stalking me in person. Although that would have been a good story, too.
Me: I prefer good stories where I don’t wind up with a restraining order, thanks.]

I love internet friends.