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One Year Ago

December 22 last year was a Friday. I was talking about books (of course). I had just wrapped up work and parties and performances for the month and was looking forward to traveling to see my family. This day last year was one of my favorite moments of the holiday season – that little transition between work and rest where I get to take a breath.

It was also a little over a week before I got my diagnosis.

So on December 22 last year, the appointment for the follow-up scan that eventually revealed the cancer had been made, and I was anxious. The first reference I see to news about health issues in the blog is on December 30 in my year-end review. This quote is…something. 

“I was ahead of schedule for most of the year, until work and health issues exploded. I don’t know how much those things will actually settle down, but I’ll keep the same goal for next year and see how it goes.”

Yeah, it did not settle down. At all, in any way. If November/December 2023 was an explosion, 2024 was a supernova.

What I enjoy about re-reading this post, though, is how well my 2023 goals had prepared me for what was to come. As challenging as this year has been, it would have been so much harder if I hadn’t already learned some practical ways to take care of myself – not just physically but also mentally and financially. I’m not sure I would have made it without those skills. Good job, past me!

Out of necessity, I’ve sharpened those skills this year. I know I’ve made some progress, because otherwise, today would not have gone the way that it did, and I would be in worse shape for it.

Yesterday was a good day, but it was also a loud day. A very social day. I woke up this morning still feeling the sensory overload. I got up and started getting ready to leave home. I noticed it was not easy.

I paused to check in with what I was feeling:

  • Irritation, almost to the point of panic
  • Itchy skin, particularly anywhere it touched fabric or whenever the breeze from the fan blew over it
  • Dull, throbbing headache
  • Strong aversion to the smell of my lotion (which is “unscented”)
  • Nausea due to all of the above

Yep. That’s still overload. Probably not a great time to go sit in a room with an organ. Or people.

A year ago today, I might have forged ahead and gone to church. After all, the choir was singing and I love being part of that. I’ve missed out on it so much this year.

But nowadays I am more likely to choose getting well over doing almost any other thing. I choose slowing down. I don’t like it. I still want to do all the fun things and dislike that I can’t. But I know that taking a break when I need it is the better choice.

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The season of Advent, that is. It’s (probably) my favorite season of the church year and one of the reasons I tend to say “Happy Holidays” rather than “Merry Christmas” during most of December (you know, other than the usual reason of wanting my well wishes to others to be as unconditional, as free of strings and assumptions, as possible). I am especially glad today that the weather seems to understand it’s December and is behaving accordingly.

Here are five things I’ve read in the last few weeks that I thought you might enjoy, too.

  • How To Have Cancer by Cory Doctorow – I resonate with so much here. The hoops you have to jump through. The inevitable “I wish I’d done it this way to make it a little less stressful/more effective.” I’m glad Doctorow is OK. I’m glad we’re both (generally) OK.
  • A Brief What, Why, & How of Advent by Tsh Oxenreider – I was recently asked what Advent was about and I rambled a lot. Enthusiastically, but still so much rambling. Here is a much more succinct version. I don’t do everything on this list (and my tradition uses blue candles – for hope/peace/healing – rather than purple – for royalty/penance – during Advent), but this is a lovely explanation.
  • But How Do You Read So Much? by Pandora Sykes – “I will find ways, as I always do, to not do the other stuff, so that I can find time to read.” Yes, that’s it. That’s the big secret. I read so much because I really, really want to read so much. I thoroughly enjoy it. When I’m not reading, I’m usually thinking about what I have read recently and counting the minutes until I can get back to it. But if you only want to read as much as I want to do Pilates every day (i.e., only a little – usually more of an “I should” than an “I want” situation, unless I’m feeling particularly tight or sore in an area I know it will help), then maybe give yourself a break about how infrequently you read and focus on all the wonderful and life-giving things you do instead.
  • Why Walking Helps Us Think by Ferris Jabr – This piece was a fantastic motivation to take more walks. If you only get one free New Yorker article a month, this would be a good one to use it for!
  • “Comfort in, dump out.” This is a clear, easy lesson in How Not To Say the Wrong Thing by Susan Silk and Barry Goldman.

And a bonus bullet point this week – I joined Bluesky  – Roxane Gay said it best – “Some people don’t get exposed to other points of view in their day-to-day lives so they need social media for that. Some of us have friends and colleagues and family. And it shows.”

I hope you have a good weekend, friends!

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Ah, December. Wonderful and wild. Full of parties and Advent festivities. My favorite time for reflection and anticipation.

I’m equal parts excited and tired already.

Because the first part of the month is always so busy, my reading needs to be generally lighthearted and easy. I need books that soothe my mind and soul after a busy day. I’ve already finished the books we’re discussing at book clubs this month, and I’ve lost interest in actually finishing the remaining reading challenges this year. So I can really just read whatever I like. I mean, I can do that all the time, but I’m not putting any self-imposed parameters on my choices this month.

Except for one. I need to get some of my library books back to the library. I have an excessive amount checked out. It’s absurd. So I need to read the ones I’m actually still interested in and just return the ones I’m not. I would love to blank-slate my library check-outs this month, but I’ll settle for cutting them in half.

Also, I’m still planning on finishing my main goal of 180 books for the year. It will be a tight race, but I think I can do it.

Here are my plans as of now.

Books for Advent (i.e., read as part of my daily Advent practice, so finish before Christmas Day)

Library Books Other People Are Waiting On (i.e., finish this week or next)

Ebooks (i.e., lunchtime/standing-in-line/waiting-in-waiting-rooms reads)

Audiobooks (i.e., commuting/doing-housework/staring-at-the-Christmas-tree reads)

Library Books I’ve Renewed a Lot (i.e., read or abandon, but make a choice)

Other Books – Library or Otherwise – That I Am the Most Excited To Read Soon

This is quite a long list, but I remain perpetually optimistic.

What are you most excited to read this month?

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[I forgot that I scheduled this post for this day. But there’s never a bad time for reading broadly and hearing from people who experience life differently than I do. In fact, this may be a very good time to do so.]

I may have listened to more books this year than any other year of my life. Audiobooks are great when I’m in the car, but they’re also good for reading when my hands are too numb/weak to hold a print book. Or when I want to lie in my bed and have someone read me a story (without all the pesky work of another person actually being physically present).

So I’m not surprised that I’ve finished the 24 prompts on Libro.fm’s 2024 Audiobook Listening Challenge already. Here are the prompts, what I read, and what I liked (or didn’t).

  1. Listen to a bookseller-recommended audiobook – Tom Lake by Ann Patchett. I love Ann Patchett, so I would have eventually read this one even if every single bookstore I follow on social media wasn’t parading it around. It was, of course, wonderful. Well written with great characters and a good story. Oh, and Meryl Streep narrates it. That, too, was delightful.
  2. Read an audiobook discussed on the Libro.fm podcast – Gay the Pray Away by Natalie Naudus. I enjoyed this book, and many people would benefit from reading it. I especially think it would be helpful not only to those who have escaped religious persecution but also those who have been their persecutors.
  3. Listen to an audiobook by a Latine author – Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz. Sweet story that explores coming of age, friendship, first love, identity, and family dynamics.
  4. Listen to a celebrity memoir – Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing by Matthew Perry. It was nice to hear his story told in his voice. I recognize that the added emotion of listening to it so soon after his death probably inflated my impression of the book, but I enjoyed it nonetheless.
  5. Read a newly-released audiobook the day it comes out – The Wedding People by Alison Espach. I didn’t quite finish it the day it came out but I definitely finished it within 24 hours of starting it. It’s witty, handling a heavy topic with levity and engaging characters.
  6. Listen to an audiobook by a transgender author – Cemetery Boys by Aiden Thomas. I loved this book. It is about finding where you fit and making a space if there doesn’t seem to be one. I loved the magical elements and how they played into the gendered expectations in Yadriel’s culture and family.
  7. Listen to a banned book – The Poet X by Elizabeth Acevedo. Unfortunately, it’s not hard to find a book that’s been banned in some school in America these days. Most of the books in this post have probably been cut somewhere. This lyrical novel has gorgeous prose, and Acevedo weaves the story around themes of religion, identity, love, independence, and family. It was powerful to hear the words in the author’s voice, too.
  8. Read at least ten minutes of an audiobook every day for a month – 10% Happier by Dan Harris. This was the second hardest book on this list to get through (see #20 for the hardest). Not because it was a drudgery but because I was trying to stretch it out and maintain interest over the course of a month (per the prompt). That is definitely not my audiobook reading style. It was read by the author, and some parts were mildly insufferable, but the content overall was good and made me feel a lot better about my struggles with meditation.
  9. Listen to an audiobook by an Arab American or MENA author – The Stardust Thief by Chelsea Abdullah. The pacing of this story was perfect. Abdullah created complex characters and had me on the edge of my seat for a lot of the action of the book.
  10. Listen to an audiobook adapted for TV or film – Murder in the Dark by Kerry Greenwood. I love the Phryne Fisher mysteries. I don’t remember watching this episode, so I may have cheated a little here, but the TV series is just as good as the books.
  11. Listen to an audiobook in translation – What You Are Looking for Is in the Library by Michiko Aoyama. I adored this book. The stories of the interrelated characters and how the librarian impacts their lives were charming and satisfying.
  12. Listen to an audiobook by an author with a disability – Sitting Pretty by Rebeka Taussig. I learned a lot from these essays. Each one addresses her experiences – both good and bad – with kindness.
  13. Listen to an audiobook by a Black author – The Secret Lives of Church Ladies by Deesha Philyaw. Fantastic read. It’s spicy and touching and sad and hopeful, and I loved it.
  14. Read an entire series on audio – Cinder (or, The Lunar Chronicles) by Marissa Meyer. I re-read this whole series this year on audio this year. It’s a series of sci-fi retellings of fairy tales, and the narrator, Rebecca Soler, is excellent.
  15. Choose an audiobook solely based on your favorite narrator – Funny Story by Emily Henry, narrated by Julia Whelan. This story was a wild ride. The main characters worked at a library and a winery, and that’s really all it takes to get me interested in a book. Henry’s words in Whelan’s voice, as always, are a winning combination.
  16. Listen to an audiobook by an Indigenous author – A Council of Dolls by Mona Susan Power. The story follows three generations of women and is told through the stories of their dolls. Beautifully written.
  17. Listen to an audiobook outside of your genre comfort zone – The Hundred Years’ War on Palestine by Rashid Khalidi. I can probably count on one hand the number of history books I’ve read in the last five years, but this one was well worth the trouble. It was not an easy read, but if you’re looking to expand your knowledge beyond the information on Israeli-Palestinian conflict that you get from most American sources, this would be a good place to start.
  18. Recommend an audiobook on social media (and tag us @librofm) – The Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern. Secret underground world full of books? How is it the year 2024 and I’m just now reading this? As easily predicted, I loooooved it. Such exquisite world-building, character development, and storytelling!
  19. Listen to an audiobook by an LGBTQIA+ author – The House in the Cerulean Sea by TJ Klune. I am a sucker for found family stories, and this one did not disappoint. I am excited to read the second one this month.
  20. Listen to an audiobook that has been on your TBR for more than two years – American Gods by Neil Gaiman. I was terribly disappointed when I heard the allegations of sexual assault against Gaiman. Such news tends to color my enjoyment of an artist’s work (also, assault is bad). He could be the best person in the world, however, and I still would have despised this book. Just…dreadful. Did not like it at all.
  21. Read an audiobook by an API author – Vera Wong’s Unsolicited Advice for Murderers by Jesse Q. Sutanto. Soooo cute. I loved and rooted for every character except the dead guy (good riddance). I am excited to read the next in the series when it comes out.
  22. Listen to an audiobook over 20 hours long – Fairy Tale by Stephen King. Fantastic read. Did not feel like 24 hours. Mostly because I read it at 1.5x (as I do most audiobooks), but technically the recording was still over 20 hours long. It totally counts.
  23. Pre-order an anticipated audiobook – Lies and Weddings by Kevin Kwan. I think this would be a cute movie, but I did not enjoy the book. It’s hard for me to care about the problems of super rich characters for more than a few hours. I spent way too much of the novel yelling, “You can afford good therapy! You have no excuse to keep being this way!”
  24. Read an audiobook set in your favorite city – Scorched Grace by Margot Douaihy. I love New Orleans, and I enjoy a good murder mystery. I would read others in this series.

So that’s it! Whew. If you like audiobooks or if you’re looking for a good one to try, there are quite a few great reads on this list.

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(This is a little aggressive for a Monday morning, Dove. Calm it down.)

“There’s a thunderstorm brewing inside me and I think it will break soon.”
Stephen King, Fairy Tale

On Saturday, I walked the survivors’ lap at the Celebrate Life 5K. It turns out, the survivors’ lap was a short jaunt around the grass near the starting point for the race, for which I was grateful. I was already up early; I’m not sure I could have done much more.

And we didn’t. We walked our circle to many, many cheers and then just kept walking out to our cars to go get breakfast.

Recently, I haven’t felt like doing a lot of things. This is not to say that I haven’t wanted to, though. I very much wanted to run the full race on Saturday but I am just not up to it yet. I wanted to clean my apartment on Sunday but barely managed to finish the laundry before I was worn out and needed to rest.

I noticed this morning that I am now in the practice of going through my calendar at the beginning of every week to see what I can remove from it, just in case. I have question marks beside things I printed in bold, assured letters just a month ago. It’s a little disappointing. I had hoped to be feeling a lot better by now, but more extended rest is needed.

This may be the calm before the storm, though. I feel it brewing.

To be fair, I always feel a surge of expectation in October. The end of the year is in sight, and the beginning of the new church year is a little over a month away. I hold off on posting hopes and plans for the upcoming calendar year until the end of December, but I’ve already started musing to myself about what those will be.

(It’s gonna be good. I’m pretty excited about it.)

(Assuming all my test results in the next couple of months are what I want them to be.)

For one thing, I turn 50 next March, and I plan to be extra…everything…about it. Several friends have reached/are reaching this milestone before then, and I’m excited to celebrate with them, too.

The main thing, though, is that I want to live in ways that make me feel better – feel alive and vibrant – no matter what happens. Storms come whether you are prepared for them or not. I want to be more prepared.

And as for the thunderstorm building inside me…let it come. It’s time.

I’m reflecting on the books I’ve read this year. Click to see the list!

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“He doesn’t say what he is thinking, which is that his church is held-breath story listening and late-night-concert ear-ringing rapture and perfect-boss fight-button pressing. That his religion is buried in the silence of freshly fallen snow, in a carefully crafted cocktail, in between the pages of a book somewhere after the beginning but before the ending.”
Erin Morgenstern, The Starless Sea

The Starless Sea is one of my favorite books I’ve read this year. I love everything about it. The storyline is intricate and the characters are well-developed. It is full of mystery and surprise, and it doesn’t shy away from darker emotions.

Most of all, though, it resonates with me through little moments like this one. There is almost a holiness to the language, conjuring images and sensations that stir my soul.

I’m having a hard time putting this reflection into words. It’s something like church, though. I am a rarity among my friends in that I do actually attend church, and I find the sacred there. The care and love of a community. The big picture.

One of my favorite aspects of my faith, however, is that the divine isn’t confined to a building or a specific group of people. It’s in a million little things, like wind chimes and cloud formations. Kindness. A really good cup of coffee. A dish of water set out for the birds.

This quote reminds me of moments that make up a whole life.

I’m reflecting on my reading this month.

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“I have finally concluded, maybe that’s what life is about: there’s a lot of despair, but also the odd moment of beauty, where time is no longer the same. It’s as if those strains of music created a sort of interlude in time, something suspended, an elsewhere that had come to us, an always within never. Yes, that’s it, an always within never.”
Muriel Barbery, The Elegance of the Hedgehog

Today’s post may be a little short. I’ve not been feeling well this week. I tried to push through, expecting my default version of taking it easy by going to work a little later and canceling a meeting or evening plans a couple of times would do the trick it usually does/used to do.

But no.

Last night I didn’t sleep a lot because I was up and sick with a fever and various other unpleasant symptoms. I finally admitted to myself around 4:00 that I wouldn’t be able to go in today at all.

I hate it. I’m so tired of being sick. It may be quite a while until I’m back to what I’m used to seeing as normal for me. The despair is so heavy at times that it’s almost a tangible presence.

I’m not much of a bright-sider, but I know that little touches of light and beauty are good tools to guide me out of the dark. Things like kind words from friends, the perfect cup of coffee, my favorite sweatshirt. My faith. My art. Constants that I can always depend on even when it seems like the bad things will never go away.

My always within never.

I’m sharing reading reflections this month. Click for the long list.

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One of the prompts for Nowhere Bookshop’s 2024 Reading Bingo is “Your Roman Empire book.” That is, a book about a subject that you think of all the time – “a niche or specific obsession, interest or event that has a considerable impact or influence on someone.”

There are many topics that could fit into this category for me. My ideal home. Hygge. Neurospicy brains and the wonders of how they function. Mutual aid. Fair labor. Countries I could retire to that practice mutual aid and fair labor.

As I was pondering which of these topics I would choose a book to read about, an image sprang to mind.

A herd of musk oxen.

Any time someone does something sweet or says something kind, or any time I think of teamwork or community (which is quite often, especially given that a big part of my job is leading a team), I think of the humble musk ox.

The preacher of the church I belonged to for most of my 20s and early 30s was a great storyteller. One of my favorite stories he told was about these large, wooly creatures. Musk oxen aren’t particularly fast or agile. Their main predators – wolves and grizzly bears – could easily take out a musk ox on its own.

The problem for wolves and bears is that they can’t fight just one musk ox. At the first sign of danger, the herd circles up, facing outward. They put the young, the ill, and the injured – the most vulnerable – in the center of the circle to protect them. When the attack comes, the predator has to face all the strongest members of the herd.

It’s a pretty effective defense strategy and a good example of what a healthy community looks like.

There are many ideas I picked up at this church that I’ve had to confront and unlearn. There are several things I accepted as given when I was there that my current boundaries wouldn’t let me be a part of now.

But it is also true that these are the people who taught me how to live in community. They taught me how to be vulnerable enough to depend on others and how to be someone others can depend on, too.

They taught me how to be a musk ox.

And for that, I am forever grateful.

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This week has been a mix of ups and downs, but it has felt like the most normal week I’ve had so far this year. I got to see some friends and had enough energy to put in almost a full week of work. I’m about to hunker down with a book and a cup of tea for the evening, but I thought I’d share a few things with you first.

  • One of the main things on my mind this week is the wildfires in the Texas Panhandle. My parents live a few hours south of where most of the blazes happened. So much loss, and here is how you can help.
  • The title “Warm House on a Quiet Day” stuck out as a cozy invitation in my inbox, but when I clicked to read it, it was so much more. Laura Grace Weldon’s words read like my constant internal monologue. 
  • I’ve been trying to find a small, portable snack and ran across this little gem – savory oatmeal cookies. I made the rosemary/parmesan ones. This weekend, I may experiment with subbing thyme, adding dried cherries, and leaving out all the dairy for the next batch. I feel like the possibilities are endless, and I am committed to exploring them with reckless abandon.
  • This piece by Lisa Bartelt is beautiful. My church is coming through for me in lovely, astounding ways these days, and it’s been a good reminder of why I picked them and why I choose to keep coming back. But even during more normal seasons, the rituals and the community I have there work wonders in my soul. 
  • And finally, I got to go to a vigil for Nex Benedict last night, and it was lovely. Following up a bit from last week, here is a list of resources from OUTreach Denton that can help you learn about how to get more involved in advocating for LGBTQ+ folk, particularly youth. Most of these are based in the DFW area, but I encourage you to look for resources around where you live if you’re not local to me.

I hope you’ve had a good week, and I hope you have an even better weekend!

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Edited: At the community vigil in Owasso, Nex’s friends confirmed that he used he/him/his pronouns with friends and they/them at home. I have updated this post to reflect how Nex is known among his friends.

It’s been a hard week personally. Long saga, but the gist is the chemo port was successfully placed but they did not put me under during the procedure so I’ve been dealing with the fallout of that trauma (it took a full day and a half of “I’m fine everything’s fine it’s ok” to finally call it trauma, just in time to have a meltdown about it when I had labs done on Wednesday so maybe we journal more consistently and maybe make an actual appointment with the nice therapist soon). But some good news – no spread to the uterus, so that was a huge relief. 

And after the excellent care – physical, emotional, and mental – from the awesome team at Texas Oncology and some much-needed social support from friends over the course of the week, yesterday was much better. But I’m still exhausted.

This is, of course, added to the heartbreak of the ongoing updates on the death of Nex Benedict, the trans student who was murdered by bullies in Oklahoma this month (full disclosure – I have no energy left for diplomacy and I don’t see that changing this year while I’m undergoing cancer treatment, so buckle up – we’re going to be blunt and call things what they are around here for the foreseeable future…and maybe longer if I discover I like it as much as I suspect I will). 

If you are similarly heartbroken, make sure you are taking care of yourself extra this week. If you are trans or nonbinary, I want to tell you what I can never say often enough – your life and your right to just fucking exist in peace are important to me. If you are not heartbroken, do some soul-searching and examine why (I’ve put a few resources below if information will help). I say this especially to people who share my faith, because the God you follow is heartbroken about the horrific treatment and negligence that led to his death, so either return to said God and repent your hard-heartedness or start being honest about what spirit you are actually following, because it’s not a holy one. Also note that sometimes repentance starts with donations (see below). 

  • Information about the incident and also Freedom Oklahoma
  • Background info to familiarize yourself with the hazards and harm nonbinary and trans students often endure:
    • National Library of Medicine (via National Institutes of Health)
    • Another study on heightened risks experienced by this population compared to other adolescents
    • Williams Institute via ULCA School of Law
    • Duke University Press (gosh, I like this method section)
    • Breaking news – basic, adequate medical care is helpful – University of Washington, Department of Epidemiology
    • Not just a problem here (which absolutely does not negate in any way that it is a problem here, so take any what-abouts you may be tempted to entertain and throw them in the garbage where they belong – that it’s also awful elsewhere obviously means there’s more work to do, not less) – JAMA Network
    • The VAWnet project from the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence
    • Btw, these sources were found by a Google search of “statistics on trans nonbinary risks” and, when that pulled up mostly .org sites (i.e., usually solid, accurate studies but also often called out for being slanted, as every organization inherently has an agenda simply because it exists to further a certain cause, which naysayers like to point out, forgetting that their own pet organizations also have agendas because that’s what organizations do /rant), I spent a little extra time vetting before adding them to the list. Then I added a second search of “statistics on trans nonbinary risks site:edu” (i.e., typically the most heavily scrutinized studies) to supplement. All of this took ten minutes, so take heart that it’s pretty quick and easy to find more good info if you are looking for it.
    • Search “trans and nonbinary blogs” and you will find a treasure trove of people who are putting their own stories and experiences out there to help people better understand (usually free of charge, which is incredibly generous, given how much emotional labor this level of public vulnerability requires. That being said, it would be appropriate to donate if they have a button or widget installed to do so.). The stats can give you general facts, but these personal sources are the ones that have had the greatest impact on my own empathy and understanding by seeing how navigating the world affects specific people. 
    • If you are reading and you have sources you want to add, please do so in the comments (especially if you want to share your own blog and stories). Sources that sympathize with aggressors or pose arguments that trans/nonbinary or LGBTQIA+ in general are not real identities will be deleted. Those are not valid viewpoints on this issue, and I am not making room in my online space to pretend that they are. No exceptions.
  • I am angry, but I am not angry with you (unless you happen to be a Texas or Oklahoma lawmaker or school board member. In that case, every single one of you is on my list. Do better. Tell your little work friends to do better. Do it now.). Okay, fine. Here’s a little diplomacy. Enjoy.
  • Go Fund Me for the family
  • Advocate for the actual protection of all children and youth, not just the comfort of straight/cisgender ones. Some info on getting started –

It’s been one of those weeks, friends. Take care of yourselves, and I hope you have a good weekend.

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