It’s arrived. The push back.
Every year when I make resolutions or choose a new word for the year, I start out optimistic. I am looking forward to the year. I am excited about what it might bring or what exploration of this new word might teach me.
Then comes the push back.
It came early this year, which was to be expected, I guess. Choose a word like “true,” and one should expect all sorts of “yes, but…” and “…not yet” to show up.
I see in possibilities. Possibility is where I’m happiest. It’s hopeful and shiny. It’s like my empty coffee cup, waiting for the French press to be ready, telling me that the glorious nectar of the bean will surely soon be mine. There’s a lot of true – about who I am and who I’m becoming – in possibility.
There’s also reality, and sometimes it pushes back so hard that it packs down the bricks in the wall it’s building.
When friends couple off or get married, I’m about 90% happy for them and 10% lonelier (hey – progress – those percentages used to be switched). Lonely likes its protective walls.
When people I respect and love say “liberals” like it’s a dirty word, revealing the limits of their respect and love for me (the dirty liberal), I add more bricks around the parts of myself that their vitriol has taught me they can’t accept.
When I give more to my job than my pay grade warrants but can’t quite find a tangible reason why I bother, I want to build the wall higher.
[Aside – to a GenXer, “tangible reason” = “promotion and a raise,” not just a pat on the back. I can pat my own back, thanks. Match those words to some cash. Or at least a bathroom break. Maybe a taco.]
When I write and write (and revise and revise), and it’s still not enough to be the thing I’m doing with my life, I want to make a little brick cubbyhole, fill it with pillows, and take a nap.
I like my walls. They’re comforting and familiar. They say nice things to me and smell like rain. They tell me I’m right. They tell me I’m pretty.
Then true comes along and whispers, “Tear them down.”
So that’s how beginning is going. *sigh*
I’m linking up with Marvia Davidson’s Real Talk Tuesday (heh – how about Thursday?).
M. Suzanne Terry 
Oh, no. Not the walllllls! Right there with you. Seriously considering just choosing the nap, tho. (Like my inner perfectionist will let me.) 😉
I knew exactly what you meant by tangible reason. I didn’t know vocab was tied so directly to generation, so now I’ll be second-guessing my language all week. Curiouser and curiouser. Ha!
Hugs. You can do this. I’m here cheering.
Thanks for the encouragement, Jamie! A nap does sound amazing, doesn’t it? I need a job with a siesta break built in. Countries that do that are smart.
I know this feeeeeeeeel. Hang in there and see if you don’t Jericho some walls this year. 🙂
I was thinking of taking up the trumpet… 🙂
You should definitely have all the bathroom breaks you need.
I agree! My staff is usually pretty good about it, but at least once a week I need to escape and there’s no one around to watch the desk for me. Problematic.